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This article originally appeared in issue 1 of my e-book, SnB Quarterly. If you want to receive this quarterly ebook, just sign up for my email list at the bottom of the screen after you read. “Mindfulness.” One of those highly overused words, I know. What it means at this point seems to fluctuate depending on who is talking about it. So I will start off by being explicit about what I mean by “mindfulness.” Mindfulness is the conscious awareness that you bring to the present moment; the ability to guide your conscious awareness. Mindfulness is not the present moment itself. It’s something you bring to the present moment and experience the present moment through. Mindfulness is the conscious viewing of what is happening in the present moment. But not just the stuff in the world. Mindfulness is also viewing what is happening within your: senses feelings thoughts somatic sensations From what I have experienced and learned from others in their practice, when you’re really in the present moment, you can attune to all of these pieces of the present moment. And you will do so without judgment. It’s a curious watching. It is a strong but gentle hold on the ventral vagal pathways of your autonomic nervous system. In these pathways, you can be curious. And I have found curiosity to be central to mindfulness. If not, what may be unearthed will be met with reflexive defensiveness stemming from a sympathetic or dorsal state. By the way, these 5 tips are all a part of my Building Safety Anchors course. In the course, I teach and guide into utilizing these tips every day for 30 days. And by doing so, you will discover what unique safety anchors you have. Things that bring you to the present moment. 1. Make it a Practice Mindfulness needs to be a practice. Maybe it’s something you schedule for the same time, day after day. That’s fine. Maybe it’s an alarm you set on your smart device to remind you. But it could also be something that you set the intention to practice more sporadically. Either way, the intention that you set and then follow through with is important. Practicing being in the present moment takes... Well, practice. If you were playing on a sports team, you would practice in order to improve your skill level, right? Same with an instrument or drawing. Really, when it comes to anything, practice is important. Same with being in the present moment. You have to practice it. If the best you can dedicate yourself to is a sporadic once a day, do it. If you are ready for a more dedicated routine, do it. Practice is going to be important when it comes to tolerating the stuff that may come up as you gain more ability to access your feelings. 2. Start With the outside The internal stuff might be too much. If you do not currently have the capacity for the internal, like feelings and sensations and memories that come up, then start with the outside. If you have the opportunity to practice mindfulness, then you’re probably in a safe environment. So use that to your advantage and begin with the external world. Remind yourself that you’re safe and begin to use your senses to be more in the present moment. Direct your attention to the experience of your sense(s). Smelling a lemon isn’t just smelling a lemon. Your body will give you a sense of a general like or dislike. If you drill down further, you might notice where you feel that sensation. Or how intense it is. You might notice feelings of ease or disease. An increased likelihood to smile or pull away. 3. One Thing at a Time Maybe not all at once. There are kind of a lot of pieces to the outside world. Taking them all in at once is probably overwhelming. So utilizing one of your senses at a time might be ideal. Maybe using your scent is a good place to start. Or maybe using your eyes, like in my Present Moment Present #1 where I guide the listener to use their eyes in becoming more present. Focus on that one sense and the details of that one sense. If you’re using your ears, first start with listening for sounds that are far away (or close), then focus on another depth of sound. 4. Find a Safe Spot Be mindful in a place that boosts your potential to access your ventral vagal pathways. Yes, you could practice mindfulness anywhere. But some locations, like a public bus, might not be ideal. Notice environments that are a clear no for your nervous system. Places that don’t feel safe enough to slow down and be curious. Notice environments that are a yes for you as well. Notice what about these environments give you a sense of safety. Is one spot in the environment more of a yes than another? And what can you do about your environment to increase the feelings of safety? 5. Allow movement We associate a still meditation with practicing mindfulness. But why? Why can’t we be mindful while moving? Of course, we can. You can bring that same curiosity of the inner world while moving. And I think that can be very helpful, especially when in a sympathetic flight/fight energy. You could tap into that energy in stillness and discharge it. But you could also experiment with movement based on what state you are in. Experiment with what types of pushing feels right or wrong for you. Or leg movements - sprinting, swimming or just flexing and releasing your calf muscles while sitting? Movement is a way to really individualize your personal mindfulness experiences. Your body needs to move the way that it needs to. Which is going to be different than mine or anyone else’s. In Sum Mindfulness is not a cookie cutter thing. Make it work for your unique body. Take what others recommend, try it, then rule it in or out. Don’t worry about doing it right or wrong, just focus on the experience and what you’re learning about yourself in the process. Really, that’s what it’s about. The process and not the result. In the process is where you actually become more in the present moment. Through curious self-reflection and intentional practice. The result will continually shift and never really be final. You will always - and wonderfully - have opportunities for curious mindfulness. If this piqued your interest and you're ready for more in-depth work, I highly recommend my course. It's for the person that wants to be more in the present moment and is ready to commit to putting in the work every day for 30 days in small doses. Learn more about Building your own Safety Anchors.

Someone asked me via Instagram DM - Is it possible to co-regulate with a pet? ...I am incapable of trusting/liking/enduring people enough to get to a safe co-regulation situation, so I'm trying to find holes in the system 😅 to be able to heal myself and get unstuck, otherwise I'm screwed 🙄. My dog seems to be my only safe space in the world. YES! It is absolutely possible to co-regulate with a pet. Especially if you have a mammal. Let's break this down. What is Co-regulation? Co-regulation is one of the three pillars of the polyvagal theory along with the evolutionary hierarchy of the autonomic nervous system and neuroception. Co-regulation is something that happens between two mammals. It's a social interaction that helps to regulate their physiology and thus optimize bodily resources. For example, the parent that gently looks into the eyes of their toddler who is throwing a tantrum. The parent is in their safe and social state, giving cues of safety spontaneously and easily. The child is in a more sympathetic state, highly energized but dysregulated. The parent's safety cues might help that toddler to regulate back into their own safe and social state and to calm down. The child is receiving passive co-regulation versus active self-regulation. Why is Being a Mammal Important? It's a mammalian thing though. Because mammals are the only organisms that stay in families and require social engagement to optimize bodily resources. Porges does a better job at explaining though in this short clip - Mammals have a ventral vagal social engagement system. These are biological pathways unique to mammals that allowed for social bonding and an increased chance of survival. These pathways also allowed for the first tiny mammals to be able to hear each other as distinct from the larger reptiles that dominated the world at the time. And allowed for vocalizations that were distinct from those same reptiles. So mammals have our own unique physiology. Those unique pathways give us the ability to signal when we are safe or not. It allows us to be close to each other and provide. It allows us to make families and tribes on top of that. And that includes our mammalian pets, like dogs. They become a part of our families and our larger human tribe(s). Birds and reptiles don't have those same biological pathways. They don't need to co-regulate with each other. There is no social engagement system or facial affect. They are basically constantly in a state of mobilization or immobilization. Our mammalian third autonomic pathways take those older pathways of mobilization and immobilization and repurpose them for connection (and health, growth and restoration). Our biology for pure flight/fight becomes used for play when combined with the safety system. The immobilization pathways becomes a meditative stillness when combined with the safety system. Mammals are unique. Can a dog co-regulate? Hell yeah. And they're really good at it. If you have a dog, you know exactly how they feel. They show it all over their bodies. When they're in a state of safety, they instantaneously get closer to you and cuddle. They look you in the eye. They become more playful. Their tails, ears and eyes all express their safety. Our individual nervous systems pick up on their safety cues, causing a neuroception of safety within us. This safety neuroception helps our own autonomic nervous system to climb up the polyv agal ladder. The co-regulation from a dog or other mammalian pet is just like from another human. It's spontaneous. When we're in our state of safety, we instantaneously give cues of safety to those around us. It's not a conscious, planned thing. It's just something that mammals do passively for each other. I didn't include co-regulation in my Building Safety Anchors course, but this could be a potential anchor for you. If you can purposefully surround yourself with safe mammals, you're going to increase the amount of safety cues coming your way. Safe friends, safe family, safe coworkers and even safe pets. Co-regulation is passive, but you can increase those passive cues and chances for neuroceptions of safety. Do Animals Get Traumatized? As long as you treat your animal well, they are fantastic self-regulators. Animals know what they need. They know how to utilize their flight energy. They know when to be aggressive and use the energy. For the most part, animals don't really get traumatized, especially wild animals. If they were traumatized in the wild, they would make for easy prey. Domestic animals are different. Domestic animals don't have as much space as a wild animal. Domestic animals are confined within the walls of the home or the fence of the yard. There are less opportunities to do their natural instincts, like hunting and digging. And these are the methods they would use to utilize their defensive energy. Instead, they tear up couches and rip up toys. Domestic animals are also living with humans. Humans who are potentially not very good co-regulators. Humans who are not accessing their state of safety. Animals in these homes are potentially being saturated in danger cues from their human family. Combine this with being confined and you have the ingredients for a traumatized animal. Not to mention those that might be downright mistreated. If you're ready to do your own ladder climbing and can commit to 30 days of learning and doing, I've got a great option for you. My Building Safety Anchors course is exactly that. Every day I guide you through a small step that is designed to help you ground yourself more in the present moment, build the strength of your vagal brake and help you get unstuck.

Why are you numb if you've been through something traumatic? Can you truly ever regain your ability to feel emotions? And can therapy be helpful? This blog will answer these questions and provide some next steps to start regaining your emotions from numbness. Numbness after trauma is more than your emotions. I'll first expand the scope of what we're discussing in the question - Why are my emotions numb after trauma? Likely, you're numb to more than just your emotions. There are, many dimensions to who we are as humans. We have emotions, thoughts, impulses, sensations and our underlying Polyvagal state. If we look at things in this more expansive way, do you notice numbness anywhere else? More specifically, in your bodily sensations. Let me explain. Emotions live in your body. When we have emotions, they don't simply exist in our brains. We feel our emotions in our bodies. Emotions are felt from the bottom up, from the body to the brain. And then we have thoughts about our emotions, often judgments or rejections. But underneath those emotions are our sensations. Our emotions have an experience, something we can notice and feel. For example, when you're angry, you have sensations that underlie the emotion of anger. Sensations of anger might include: heat racing heart tense muscles pressure If you're numb to your emotions, you may also be numb to your sensations. The Polyvagal state of your body determines your emotional range. I'll take this one step further. Emotions and sensations are both directly connected to the state of our bodies. If our bodies are in a state of defense, the sensations and emotions experienced will be limited. Likewise, if our bodies are in a state of safety and prepared for connection, then the range of emotions and sensations will shift. The Polyvagal Theory explains how our bodies can be prepared for safety or defense. These bodily states directly contribute to our emotions, sensations, impulses, and cognitions. Everything changes based on what state we are in. And this applies to numbness as well. The Polyvagal Theory explains being numb after trauma. The Polyvagal Theory has a possible explanation for why one might experience being numb after trauma. The PVT uses an evolutionary hierarchy to describe mammals' biological responses to danger. If we can’t be safe, we drop the “Polyvagal Ladder” into flight energy, then fight. If we can’t run or fight, we drop to the bottom of the ladder into a shutdown collapse. Emotions come from your body's autonomic state on the Polyvagal ladder. As we drop down the ladder into evolutionary older biological pathways, we lose access to the skills, functions, and experiences higher up the ladder. And this includes the emotional experiences of each state. Here's a simple breakdown of emotions associated with each state: Safe & Social - happy, joyful, connected, safe, peaceful Flight/Fight - anxious, angry, irritable, nervous, worry Shutdown - numb, disconnected, sad, alone Emotions of joy and calm stem from the ventral vagal safety pathways at the top of the ladder. When we’re in the flight/fight sympathetic pathways, we lose access to those feelings of joy or calm. We also lose access to our ability to connect safely, critically think, or play because those skills and abilities are available only when the ventral vagal safety pathways are active. If we can't escape a dangerous situation using sympathetic flight activation, we drop further down the Polyvagal ladder into sympathetic fight energy. In this sympathetic fight state, we unlock feelings of anger, aggression, and irritability. Aggression allows us to fight back against a predator to create space so we can then run away to safety. Feelings of worry or anxiousness from flight activation disappear, as they are no longer useful for surviving through aggression. Numbness after trauma comes from shutdown. Suppose we drop down to the bottom of the Polyvagal ladder and into our shutdown system. In that case, we basically lose access to a much wider range of feelings, leaving us with numbness, disconnection, and emptiness. A dorsal vagal shutdown is a very disconnected and isolated way to exist. Everything gets slowed down to mimic the collapse of death. In this state of biological conservation, the organism has no use for emotions of joy, anxiety, or anger. Entering into a shutdown state could come from traumatic incidents through a couple of different paths: acute life threat reaction - the individual went through something that brought them to shutdown and immobilization. If this path of trauma involved a freeze response, shutdown was also involved since shutdown is an aspect of freeze. Read about the important difference in this blog article. chronic disruption of connection - the individual was repeatedly cut off from safe connection and attachment with others. Typically, this occurs in childhood during the essential early attachment period. This can also occur throughout life if disconnected from safety, like with domestic violence. Trauma means that one is unable to access or maintain access to their Polyvagal state of safety. One could be stuck in any of the defensive states, but the shutdown state is the state that brings numbness. Being stuck in this state has a unique experience to it. The experience of shutdown is one of emptiness, numbness, and loneliness. One stuck in shutdown is numb to their emotions, sensations, and impulses. Life is pointless and they lack energy to make change. From numb after trauma to fulfillment and connection. It's possible to emerge from shutdown and live with more fulfillment and connection with yourself or others. To come out of shutdown, you need to allow shutdown to be felt and experienced mindfully. If you can experience shutdown mindfully, then the natural process of self-regulation can begin. No, this is not easy. It requires patience with yourself and with the process. And no, you shouldn't allow your shutdown state to be fully present unless you can experience it mindfully. From curiosity and with self-compassion. To experience any of your defensive states requires that your safety state be developed enough to handle the defensive activation. And to allow defensive activation, it's best to know what to do with it. And that's why I created Building Safety Anchors and Unstucking Defensive States. These courses and my private community are available for one subscription price in the Total Access Membership. Click below to learn more. Can therapy stop numbness after trauma? So can therapy help reduce your numbness after trauma? Yeah, if someone has the right therapist, therapeutic environment, and therapeutic modality for them. Therapy can work wonders and help the client to access their Polyvagal safety state. But it's not a guarantee and largely relies on the relationship between the therapist and client. The client's life context also plays a major role in the potential to come out of a chronic shutdown. I'm a therapist and often see people slowly emerge from shutdown. Coming out of shutdown is noticeable. When someone comes out of their dorsal vagal shutdown and into their sympathetic fight energy, it's very noticeable. Their posture changes. Their thoughts change. Their face changes. And so do their self-reported feelings. When they look inward and notice, they can feel the emotions and the bodily sensations underneath those emotions. Therapy provides a co-regulative relationship that gently encourages the client to emerge from shutdown. Neurocepting safety in the therapeutic alliance is central to this process. The therapist can also teach them and practice how to welcome their emotions back into their system. I recommend safety emotions being the first that are addressed. As that becomes easier, then the defensive emotions can be welcomed. Get all of my courses and community in Total Access. If you're ready to take the next step in your trauma recovery journey, consider joining my Total Access Membership. This membership gives you access to my entire Polyvagal Trauma Relief System and a supportive community, providing you with the resources you need to navigate your path to healing. Q&A Q: Why are you numb if you've been through something traumatic? A: Numbness can occur as a result of trauma because the body enters into a shutdown state, which disconnects and isolates the individual. In this state, emotions, sensations, and impulses are suppressed. Q: Can you truly ever regain your ability to feel emotions? A: Yes, it is possible to regain the ability to feel emotions after experiencing numbness due to trauma. By mindfully experiencing the shutdown state and allowing self-regulation to occur, individuals can gradually emerge from shutdown and reconnect with their emotions. Q: Can therapy be helpful to feel emotions after trauma? A: Therapy can be helpful in reducing numbness after trauma. The right therapist, therapeutic environment, and modality can support the client in accessing their Polyvagal safety state and coming out of chronic shutdown. However, therapy's effectiveness depends on the therapist-client relationship and the client's life context. Quotes from this blog: Emotions live in your body. When we have emotions, they don't simply exist in our brains. We feel our emotions in our bodies. Emotions are felt from the bottom up, from the body to the brain. If our bodies are in a state of defense, the sensations and emotions experienced will be limited. Likewise, if our bodies are in a state of safety and prepared for connection, then the range of emotions and sensations will shift. Entering into a shutdown state could come from traumatic incidents through a couple of different paths: acute life threat reaction or chronic disruption of connection. Trauma means that one is unable to access or maintain access to their Polyvagal state of safety. Author Bio: Justin Sunseri is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Coach specializing in trauma relief. He is the host of the Stuck Not Broken podcast, and author of the book Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm. He specializes in treating trauma and helps individuals get "unstuck" from their defensive states.

Avoidance and Comfort Anger seems to be an emotion that we avoid altogether. Like, if we feel it we're somehow "bad" or out of control or something. It's a powerful emotion, one that we might not be used to. If coming out of a dorsal shutdown and up one rung on the polyvagal ladder, anger is way way different than the norm. If dropping down into fight energy anger from a ventral safety state, then it could be experienced as a failure of not having enough self control. Likewise, anger could be something that we find comfort in. When angry, the world is tamable. We can get the world to submit. To bend. We can feel a sense of power through anger. It could be a relief from feeling like a constant victim. It might feel so good that we think the anger is justified and righteous (and at times, it is). On the recipient end of anger, it's a scary thing. When someone gets angry and raises their voice or intrudes upon your space or worse, it can be a terrifying thing. We want to get away from it, which completely makes sense. It's hard to be with someone in a very angry place, even if they are not a direct threat. Our bodies tell us to either get away from that angry person or to aggress back. Or maybe to collapse or paralyze in fear. Anger & What it is Anger is an emotion that stems from the fight energy of the autonomic nervous system. If we can't be safe at the top of the ladder, we drop down into flight energy. If we can't run away or escape the situation, we drop down further into fight energy of the sympathetic ANS. When these autonomic states are activated, they can be felt as emotion. For examples: ventral vagal safety = happiness sympathetic flight = anxiety sympathetic fight = anger dorsal vagal shutdown = sadness But before existing as an emotion, anger exists simply as an activation of the sympathetic fight pathways and can be experienced as such. The fight energy serves a purpose - to encroach upon space. In the wild, this is useful for hunting. It's also useful for getting a would-be threat to back off. The lurched forward body posture, tense muscles and furrowed brow are indicators that the organism is not safe and is ready to attack. The upper body would be used to push, punch or throw to create space. And then the legs would be used to get to safety once there is an opportunity. Anger isn’t just some thing that we feel in the air. Or in our brain. It exists in our bodies. In our muscles. In our heartbeat and in our faces. But since anger is something we tend to avoid or even relish in perhaps, we don't really feel the anger in this way. So underneath the experience of anger on a conscious level is the autonomic felt somatic experience of the sympathetic fight energy. That fight energy is there for a reason and needs to be utilized mindfully. Too Much When we become too sympathetically charged, it can look like anxiety or aggression, which is the flight or fight energy on the polyvagal ladder. If we drop down the ladder, then that means we are moving away from our safety biological pathways and into defensive energy. If we lose access to our safety biological pathways, we lose access to being in the present moment and especially to feeling connected to our physical bodies. But this is exactly what we need in order to relieve our bodies of the taxing strain of the sympathetic system. That system is intended to be utilized in large bursts of movement. For running or fighting. Not ongoing, unused accumulation of flight/fight energy. This presents a significant misuse of bodily resources that are otherwise intended for "health, growth and restoration," as Dr Porges says. I'm not recommending you go and push someone. Or hit them. Or throw them. Please don't. Though something needs to be done. We need to be able to get that "too much" sympathetic fight energy down to a tolerable level. The Present Moment The present moment is the answer. And we get to the present moment by accessing the ventral vagal safety pathways. The biological circuitry responsible for social engagement, play, calm and joy. We have to have enough access to these pathways in order to return to the present moment and actually feel the sympathetic fight energy. If we can actually feel the experience of anger on a bodily felt sense, then we can build a tolerance to the sympathetic fight energy. We can retain a hold on the ventral pathways for longer and longer. If we can be with that anger, then we can notice the intensity of it lessen. We can feel the stuck sympathetic energy discharge with mindful watching. During this discharge of stuck sympathetic energy, it's not uncommon to feel tingles, waves, temperature changes or muscle contraction and relaxation. Breathing shifts on its own, from the chest to the belly. From short breaths to fuller and slower ones. But these feelings have to be watched with curiosity, not evaluation. We need to be able to sit with these feelings with compassion and not fear. No, it's not easy and probably won't happen immediately, depending on what you capacity is for doing so. We have to be gauging our capacity for doing this. And be brutally honest with ourselves about what we can handle. There is no shame or embarrassment in this work. It is what it is. If you can't handle it right now, it is what it is. If you can handle some, it is what it is. If you need someone to be with you, whatever. If you need to buy a program, then whatever. Stop the judging and be honest with what you can handle. We have to approach this intense stuck fight energy a little at a time. It can be overwhelming. It's probably not going to happen all at once. A little at a time is ideal if your vagal brake is a bit on the weaker side. That's how we strengthen anything. A little at a time, but with practice and intent. This is no different. I actually have a course that I designed with these factors in mind. Building Safety Anchors is 30 days of specific learning and doing. It's not for everyone. It's for the person that knows they would be best served through a digital course and can commit to 30 days of guided, practical and bite-sized actions. You can actually learn what the heck a "safety anchor" is by reading the first learning module for free. The Starting Place But that's where I would recommend anyone start. What brings you to the present moment? What brings your specific consciousness to the present moment? What helps you to feel safe? Connected? Calm? Playful? What brings you to smile? If you don't know, that's okay. Now is the perfect time to start figuring it out! Yesterday is done. Tomorrow is coming. Wouldn't it be great to have a step in the right direction today in preparation for tomorrow? That last line sounded bad but you get the idea. Anger isn't the issue. The stuck fight energy is the issue.

This article first appeared in my quarterly book, SnB Quarterly. You have to be in my email list to get it, so sign up at the bottom of the page after you're done reading the article. The Impact vs the Event The key here is the impact of the event on the autonomic nervous system. Not the event itself, but the immediate and potentially long-lasting impact. When anyone survives something, they may have to shift down their “polyvagal ladder” into a defensive state: flight, fight, shutdown or freeze. Typically, when people say "trauma" they are referring to the event itself - the war or the car crash or the abuse. But this is not entirely accurate. Some events are probably more likely to result in a stuck autonomic nervous system. But every individual will walk away from these events with different levels of stuck defensive autonomic states, including not at all. Again - some events are probably more likely to result in a stuck defensive state. If the strength of their social engagement system (ventral vagal pathways) are not strong enough, the potential to be left in a traumatized state increases. Meaning, their chances of being stuck in one of those defensive states. Luckily, the strength of the ventral system can be exercised and strengthened, which will eventually result in the capacity to allow, tolerate and channel the stuck defensive energy. This is called the "vagal brake." The vagal brake is the influence of the safety system on the heart. A stronger vagal brake results in a calmer heartbeat. Building the safety system and thus the vagal brake is a core concept of my course - Building Safety Anchors. How the World is Filtered If someone is stuck in a defensive state, their perception of the world significantly shifts. The world - to them - becomes a lot more dangerous. They filter the world through danger-colored glasses. Because their very biology is primed to do so. When stuck in a flight sympathetic energy, the world is scarier. It's something to be avoided. To run from. In a fight sympathetic energy, the world is now something to attack, retaliate against or blame. In a shutdown state, the world is something to hide from or collapse in fear from. The inner world is experienced as a threat as well, not just the outside world. As just a factual matter, there is no value to the polyvagal states. They are not good or bad. They just are. And they are a response to neuroceptions of safety or danger. But the energy of the defensive state can be experienced as "bad" or "painful" or "too much." When there is a strong enough hold in the ventral safety system, the experience of the sympathetic energy will be welcomed and thanked. It's a much different experience. In a world experienced in the more fearful and defensive way, the capacity to be with a wider range of feelings is obviously very compromised. Because it's now a danger. Without the safety system active enough, it's experienced as a danger and something to be avoided, pushed away or numbed. So emotional development swirls around avoiding “danger,” aggressing “danger” and shutting down or freezing in the face of “danger.” Co-regulation On top of this, making safe, trusting connections becomes a lot more difficult. The ability to notice safety in others is compromised. Neurocepting safety becomes a lot more difficult. When stuck in a defensive state, there is a higher chance of detecting danger, even if it's not there. So when in the company of someone who is actually safe, it could be experienced as danger. Because the feelings of safety are uncomfortable, vulnerable and therefore dangerous. It's not the other person. It's the neuroception of safety and the foreign feelings of safety when the ventral system is accessed. The ability to function at a healthy level in a relationship then is compromised. If you can’t be in a co-regulative relationship with a safe other, climbing your own polyvagal ladder and back into your own safety system becomes a lot more difficult. So if we are not handling the feelings of safety and aren't accepting co-regulation, then the ability to stay in the ventral system is compromised. Again, it needs to be exercised. Someone who is not accessing these things is not going to have a full range of emotional experience. They are not accessing their safety state in order to experience the broader range of human emotional experience. Behavioral Adaptations And finally, the person stuck in a defensive state will engage in “behavioral adaptations.” These are things that they do to cope with the intensity of their defensive state. Addiction, abuse, skin picking, obsessions and more. These coping behaviors might help with the immediate pain/discomfort, but prevent them from feeling and releasing their defensive state energy. These behavioral adaptations don't actually help in the long term. They are only immediate answers to high distress. They flatline the range of emotional experience possible. They ensure that the individual stays stuck. They are a result of not having enough tolerance to the somatic experiences. They are a result of not having built the strength of the ventral pathways. Access Safety and the Present Moment As you can see, these and other factors make life a lot more difficult and will stunt that person’s capacity to feel and to be with their wider range of feelings. They need to have access to their ventral pathways - their own safety and social engagement biological system. But these three factors get in the way of developing that. So they perpetually are stuck in their defensive state, brought on by the event(s). The answer is to continually practice accessing the ventral vagal pathways and building the strength of that system. It might take a long time. But the individual may notice changes happening within them. What was previously an emotionally highly upsetting situation with a co-worker is now more tolerable. They can notice their anxious flight energy and be with it instead of escaping the situation and engaging in some sort of self-soothing behavioral adaptation. Being more in the present moment through the ventral pathways results in a greater range of human emotion, experience and connection. From the ventral pathways, the individual can now tap into and actually mindfully experience their full range of emotion. Again, this is something that can be exercised and strengthened. I created a 30 day course/challenge for people to help with exactly that. The Building Safety Anchors course has learning and practicing steps. It's spread out over 30 days so it's not overwhelming. But it's a 30 day commitment to learning and practicing change. It's really for those that want to get a firmer hold on the present moment and maybe even experience a fuller range of their emotional potential.

Psychology traditionally approaches trauma through its affects on the mind. This is at best only half the story and a wholly inadequate one. -Peter Levine Trauma needs to be discussed in a biological perspective and psychological. But we need: a clearer understanding of what trauma is to understand that our thinking mind is an extension of our physical bodies to understand the relevance of psychology in getting unstuck 1. WHAT TRAUMA IS Trauma isn’t a thing that is survived and then becomes a psychology issue. Trauma is the biological result of surviving something(s). Trauma is the autonomic nervous system being stuck in a defensive state: sympathetic flight/fight, dorsal shutdown or the mixed freeze state. Trauma is the impact of what our bodies survive and is different from one nervous system to the next. We drop down our polyvagal ladders and into defensive states in order to increase our chances of survival. As we drop down the ladder and lose access to our safety state, we unlock the ability to run, fight or collapse. This shift up and down the polyvagal ladder is called "neuroception" and directly involves the unconscious detection of safety or danger. We are biologically hardwired to react to danger cues. Cues that have been imprinted within us through evolution. Cues that cause a neuroceptive shift into a defensive state before we've even become consciously aware of the cue itself or of the shift. Again, this is different from one nervous system to the next. If you and I survived a car crash, we would walk away from that with potentially very different results. I may be in a very traumatized state, stuck in a freeze response; while you could potentially self-regulate and be more or less fine. Your ANS didn't get stuck in a defensive state like mine did. Even though we both survived a car crash, it wouldn't make sense to say we were both traumatized or to say that we went through a trauma. What we went through is a car crash. Whether or not we are traumatized from the car crash event is dependent on each of our nervous systems and the strength of our vagal brakes. Yes, some things are probably more likely to result in a traumatized state. Sexual assault, war, child abuse in all its forms are probably more likely to result in a stuck autonomic nervous system. There are actually two paths to trauma - an acute life threat reaction, likely resulting in a freeze state chronic disruption of connectedness, likely resulting in a flight, fight or shutdown state As you can see, trauma isn't just some psychological issue that is the result of a traumatic event. It's a fundamental hijacking of the autonomic nervous system, which then gets stuck in that state even when the body is otherwise safe and no longer needs defensive behaviors. 2. MIND & BODY They go together. In particular, I am discussing your thinking mind and your autonomic nervous system. We know from the Polyvagal Theory that our biological autonomic state is the driver of our thoughts. That "story follows state" as Deb Dana says. Depending on our ANS state, our thoughts and their intensity alter, even about the same thing, like our own children: ventral vagal safety - "My child needs some extra love and support." sympathetic flight - "My kid is going to grow up and be a criminal! sympathetic fight - "You're going to listen to me whether you like it or not!" dorsal vagal shutdown - "I give up." As our polyvagal state changes, our thoughts change and so does the intensity of those thoughts: ventral vagal safety - calm, peaceful or playful thoughts sympathetic flight - intense , evasive thoughts sympathetic fight - intense, aggressive thoughts dorsal vagal shutdown - small, hopeless thoughts And as our polyvgal state changes, how much access we have to our higher brain functions changes as well. Our ability to think clearly and critically, to plan, to weigh pros and cons is entirely dependent on the access that we have to our ventral vagal pathways. When we neurocept safety, we activate the ventral pathways and unlock access to our prefrontal cortex responsible for critical thinking. When in defensive states, survival is prioritized, not critical thinking. In defensive states, priority is placed on identifying, evading or combating danger. We become much better at scanning for danger, though not necessarily better at identifying actual danger. As you can see, this directly impacts our day to day functioning and our very own fundamental experience of the overall sense of "self". So it's not as if you have your thinking self which is somehow independent of your bodily self. They go together and directly impact each other. We can alter our thoughts from top down cognitive shifts, but also from bottom up somatic shifts. If we can utilize and discharge that stuck defensive energy, we can climb our polyvagal ladders. If we do that, our thoughts change along with the autonomic shifts. Likewise, altering our thoughts can help to self-regulate our biology. Thinking more positively or seeing another angle can help our defensive energy to calm itself. Yes, much easier said than done. And this is where the field of psychology becomes significant. 3. THE RELEVANCE OF PSYCHOLOGY A big big part of being stuck is the detaching of the conscious mind from the physical body. In a defensive state, we might not be aware of anything below the neck - feelings, emotions, bodily sensations and movements. We get stuck in our thoughts. We ruminate, obsess, dwell, anticipate and more. This detaching ensures that our bodies remain stuck in a defensive state. We need to reattach the conscious mind to the physical body in order to get unstuck. Not that body and mind were ever separate. I'm talking more metaphorically. Even if they feel separate, they're still very much together and influencing each other. We're just not cognitively aware of it. Conscious awareness accessed through the felt sense provides us with a gentle energetic discharge just as effective as that which the animal accesses through action. -Peter Levine, Waking the Tiger Psychology becomes important because we can mindfully attune to our biology and begin the process of getting unstuck. Only then, when attempting to use our conscious mind to get unstuck, does psychology become relevant and a driving force for change. But it's combining the psychological with the somatic. The psychology field looks at the cognitive/emotional/behavioral obstacles to getting unstuck in the nervous system. Psychology can assess and treat the cognitions in our mind. We know that thoughts stem from the autonomic state. The field of psychology has come up with many cognitive grounding skills and therapeutic modalities like CBT and DBT. If the thoughts can be addressed, it's possible to begin a top-down method of getting unstuck. Addressing the thoughts first, then reattaching to the body. Psychology can assess and treat the emotional experiences that we have. In a stuck defensive state, emotions become much more difficult, chaotic and long-lasting. Depression, anxiety, rage, panic, overwhelm, shame and guilt are examples. Noticing and discussing the emotions we have can open an opportunity to feel more deeply into the bodily feelings. We can see that the emotions are just extensions of the stuck and frustrated autonomic state. And then attune to the state. Psychology can assess and treat the behaviors that we do to cope with the autonomic state, what Dr Porges calls "behavioral adaptations." The coping behaviors ultimately end up reinforcing the autonomic state, not helping. Things like addictions, self-harm and compulsive picking. All of these (and many more) are ways to attempt to handle the defensive energy that is in the body, but detached from the mind. Eliminating the behavioral adaptations opens an avenue for feeling and then appropriately utilizing the defensive energy. Doing these pieces can often times look like therapy. In therapy, the client can discuss the cognitive, emotional and somatic impacts of their traumatized state in the here and now. Not only discuss these things, but feel them. Be with them. Develop a fuller and more present felt sense through reattaching the conscious, thinking mind with the body. Doing so in a safe environment with a safe person can help to re-regulate the autonomic nervous system back to where it functions the best - the ventral vagal social engagement system. But self-regulating the nervous system doesn’t have to come only from therapy. Other methods can be helpful, but they all require mindfulness of our biology while in the present moment. Things like yoga and meditation can be helpful. There are also other things to help self-regulate: dance, art, music, breathing techniques, socializing and more. All of these things help to re-regulate the autonomic nervous system. BASIC IDEA In short, trauma is a stuck autonomic nervous system defensive response to something(s). To get unstuck, the individual needs to bring their conscious, mindful awareness to their bodily sensations. The field of psychology and the practice of therapy can be valuable in that process. Psychology helps to identify thoughts, emotions and behaviors that are keeping the individual in their stuck defensive state, then treat those identified problems. Doing so opens up the opportunity to bring the conscious to the somatic.

YOU'VE LEARNED I'm willing to bet you've learned. I'm willing to bet that you've put your time into learning in various forms: devouring Instagram posts reading blogs exchanging information in Facebook groups reading books on mental health buying video courses And surely more I'm not thinking of right now (comment and let me know what I missed). I'm willing to bet you're put the time in. YOU'VE LEARNED TOO MUCH And I may even be willing to bet that you've put in more than enough time. Of course I don't know the right amount of time, especially for you and your wonderful nervous system. No idea. But you might be able to tell when you've learned enough to act on and when you've gone too far. It's easy to miss. Especially because you're probably learning a lot through social media and their algorithms have a tendency to keep you scrolling mindlessly. And I think that's the key, as always, is the mindfulness part of it. When you're learning, are you mindful and conscious of what you're taking in and when it's time to practice it? Are you asking yourself if something will be helpful for you or not? You might be taking in information and then judging yourself. Seeing how some technique or whatever is so beneficial to someone and then doubting it will be on yourself. That you can't obtain what that other person is doing. That somehow you can't be successful. You may not be noticing what's happening within you while you're learning. Like what was the last piece of information that you learned about that you felt legitimately excited about? That you felt some hope in? If you pay attention, you might feel a pull toward some piece of wellness information that your body feels hopeful about. ACT ON YOUR HOPE When you feel that positivity and excitement and interest, did you take an action to use what you learned? I call those things that our nervous system lights up about and sees an avenue for change in "hope." It's like our gut and our chest say "yes" to some things and dismisses others. We want to listen to the things that light us up and move on from the other things. Of course the other things may be helpful at some point, but maybe not right here and right now. Listening to my podcast might feel like a "yes" and fill in some knowledge gaps that you have, so you keep listening. But my course might feel like a "no" for you right now for whatever reason. But it might become relevant for you later on and you might feel some curiosity about it. I think of it as taking one step forward or maybe peeling back one layer of an onion. We all have multiple layers of change to us. The first layer we peel away might be brought on by something very different than the 18th layer. Deep breathing could be your first step and dance might be your 18th. I don't know. But your body does and you need to mindfully listen. It will feel like hope. Or curiosity. Or excitement. JUST F**KING DO We have to take that step forward though. Learning and learning and learning may not be helpful. Although it might feel helpful to learn something new or make a new connection or gain a new insight. But the clarity gained from learning may not translate to the blossoming that is felt from actually climbing your polyvagal ladder (too many metaphors?). I just don't know how else to say this. Change doesn't happen from continuous learning. If it did, I don't think you'd be stuck where you're stuck. You've learned enough by now, right? And if not and you're just starting to learn, welcome to my blog. Thanks for starting here. :) LEARN FROM DOING Doing or attempting to do is an opportunity to learn. When you do something, when you act on what you're learning, you're allowing yourself the opportunity to gain new information. You will learn what you do or do notA like. You will learn what is a clear yes and a clear no and maybe even a maybe later. After you attempt something new, like meditating or a new deep breathing technique or some sort of artistic expression - evaluate the effectiveness of what you experienced. First, you have to actually experience what you're doing. If you're meditating for the first time, really look inward and see if you feel some hope there or not. Something you're willing to come back to. You can rate your comfort level with what you're doing. You can rate your level of hope in what you're doing. You can keep a short running list of things that "work" for you. I'd recommend asking yourself what you think will bring you to the present moment (what I call a Safety Anchor) and what actually does bring you to the present moment. PRACTICE After you've learned and discovered some techniques that you would like to return to, practice them daily. I don't think this needs to be anything intensive, but it should be a deliberate effort to build a new routine involving grounding yourself in the present moment. Use that breathing technique that felt right to you. Pick a time that works for your schedule. Allow yourself to feel some of that ventral vagal safety every day. The more you do, the easier it will be to access. Do what you can tolerate and then build. I believe some things will be good for micro doses of safety and other things will be better for a heavier access to your safety system. Micro doses are great and can be built upon, but keep an eye out for other things as you build your capacity to tolerate them. LEARN ABOUT SOMETHING NEW Okay, you've discovered something you felt hope in. You tried it out and you want to do more. Then you did some daily practice. The next step is to ask yourself if it's time for something different or to alter what you're already doing. It might be time to get to that second layer of change. I've only described the first layer! As your vagal brake increases its strength to tolerate what you're already doing, you'll need to exercise it further. And that means more learning and repeating this process! Start from scratch, assume you know nothing and begin the search for what might help your nervous system to continue to blossom. Notice what or who you feel some hope and curiosity in. This is actually how I designed my Building Safety Anchors course. It's 30 days of structured learning and practicing! Small doses each day to not overwhelm participants.

Why do some clients have a faster turnaround than others? Why do some clients not see change at all? Or flat-line in their progress? Is there a therapeutic modality or specific therapist that works better than others? Here are some things to consider when thinking about what will or will not work for you as a client. Psychologists now understand that the creation of an expectation to benefit from therapy is one of the common factors associated with a positive therapeutic outcome. -iresearchnet.com The therapy that works... is the one you believe in. I'm not interested in all therapeutic modalities, even the most popular ones. There are some that I don't think I could take seriously and benefit from. Or there may be pieces of a larger modality that I don't believe in and would probably not benefit from just for that reason. It would make sense for me to seek out modalities that I expect some benefit from. The fact that I am not interested and don't believe is a block to its potential success on me. This has nothing to do with the evidence of whether a modality is most likely to work or not. It's more about the client's belief in the modality or for it working on them in particular. A belief in it and an interest in being a part of it. Even if a modality has solid evidence backing it up, that doesn't necessarily equal belief or taking it seriously by a potential client. Belief in the modality is important. In fact, belief in the potential of therapy in and of itself is important and "...may be even more vital to the psychotherapy process than is often acknowledged" (Greenberg 2006). Not everyone buys into therapy as a legitimate field. I used to hypnotize my friends when I was in high school. It didn't work on everyone, only those who believed they could be hypnotized or that hypnosis was even a thing at all. Belief was essential to the process of being hypnotized. Same for therapy. You have to buy into it. You have to have some level of belief and positive expectation. At least a little to show up and start the process. Clients may do some research and find a modality that they determine will be the most beneficial. But when it comes down to it, the therapist themselves are probably more indicative of success than the specific modality. Do you believe in the person providing the service? Besides the belief in the modality, the client has to have some belief in the provider as well. And I think this is more important than the modality - "...the quality of the alliance [is] more predictive of positive outcome than the type of intervention... " (NCBI). If you think the provider is a [fill in the blank], then no mater what they do, it probably won't go very far. The therapeutic alliance is the most important part of change in therapy (factors outside of therapy play a much bigger role though). So the client needs to have some belief in their ability to help in general, but also in their specific abilities. Things like: listening validating understanding holding the client in positive regard knowledge base ability to adapt to the needs of the client If the client does not believe in the therapist, the possibility of therapy being as effective as it could be is probably reduced. This lack of belief in the therapist could be due to: the therapist's actual shortcomings in their role as a therapist the client's capacity to trust and be vulnerable ruptures in the therapeutic alliance I expect that my clients are going to have some difficulties with trust and vulnerability. That's probably going to be something that we work on. It's pretty normal for therapy. It's up to me to make sure I am doing as good as a I possibly can when it comes to basic therapeutic skills. I need to be in my most safe and social state, as much as possible, when I am providing therapy. From there, I can use those fundamental skills with more efficacy. If I lose access to my state of ventral vagal safety, then I also lose access to necessary pieces of co-regulation. It's also up to me to notice and repair ruptures. An easy way of doing this is by simply asking the client for feedback at the end of a session. "Was this session helpful for you?" "Is there anything I did today that you hated or would like to see different?" But I also regularly provide opportunities for feedback during a session - "I want to make sure I'm doing a good job listening to you" and then opening a question or discussion. I listen to those ruptures within my nervous system; the flight/fight, shutdown or freeze energies that may pop up. I discern if these are empathetic feelings, my own feelings or indications of a rupture, then open the dialogue with my clients. The point is the belief in the therapist is essential. And there is a lot the therapist can do to build and support that belief. The belief in the specific therapist comes from the rapport with the therapist. And a stronger rapport leads to a higher chance of a positive outcome. Is it the right time? Another thing to consider in what "works" or not is the timing of it. Although I am not interested in Therapy X currently, it might be of interest to me later. So my lack of personal belief in it is a hindrance to success right now, but maybe not in the future. I may be looking for something with a more novel feature. Or maybe there's a therapist influencer out there that peaks my interest who uses Therapy X. At that point, I may become more interested. If we look at the five stages of change model, a client in the precontemplation stage of change is probably not going to respond well to interventions that are more for the action stage. The intervention is too early, they aren't quite there yet. The client that arrives to the therapy office due to a court mandate to address their addiction is potentially in the precontemplation stage. They aren't seeing their addiction as a problem. Working on how to stop their addiction doesn't match their stage of change. It may not be the right time for a specific modality or a specific technique. The client might not be ready to talk about the trauma narrative. So meeting with a therapist that uses a modality focusing on the narrative might not be the best idea. We can help the client to prepare or become more interested in a technique. Simply explaining it to them, the reasoning of it, what to expect and how we apply it can help. But for the client that doesn't want to go into their trauma narrative, they might want someone that focuses more on somatic stuff. Or maybe focus their time on psychoeducation around trauma and the body. As they learn more, they may become ready to go into their feelings or even into the story. (BTW I talk about whether or not I think telling the trauma story is necessary in the first Therapeer Content Event.) Attempting a modality before they are ready probably reduces the chances of success. When I work with my clients, I have to be assessing and collaborating with them about their readiness to make change and be a part of techniques that I may use. Discussing the plan with them and making an agreement on these things is a good way to build their belief in both the process and the provider. If they believe in the process and believe in the provider, their willingness to try something different might increase. Or to be more open to thinking differently about their presenting problems. Opportunities and readiness for change opens up once the other pieces are more solidified. We put a lot of emphasis on the techniques and modalities, but these things are not necessarily going to be the biggest predictors of change for clients. The therapy that works is the one that the client expects to work. With the clinician they expect to be helpful. At the stage they are ready for change in.

You're stuck. You're not broken. I know it can feel that way, but really, you gotta believe me on this - you're just not broken. You're stuck. This is the central idea of the podcast and also the separate Patreon podcast. And the great news is that being stuck means you can get unstuck. It means that your momentum is still moving forward, but there's something blocking that from happening. The momentum, the potential to get unstuck is there within you. The momentum might be to release the freeze energy that you've got stuck inside of you. Or the momentum could be allowing the sympathetic energy to return, getting unstuck from your shutdown state. The body is ready to make this happen. Your body knows exactly what to do. It's just stuck. And what's keeping it stuck? You are. Okay, it's not that simple, because maybe you're in an environmentally unsafe place. But for the most part, you're stopping this unstuckness from happening. From the bottom up, from the body to the brain, the change is ready to take place. That energy is ready to discharge or to come back. But from the top down, from the brain to the body, that's where things get "a little wonky," as Mercedes says on the podcast. Specifically, we're talking about brainstem area stuff here. Very primitive, but very wise. That's where our bodies and our brains need to connect to help us get unstuck. There's probably something(s) you're doing to keep yourself stuck without even realizing it. Here's a short list: judging yourself escaping your internal feelings somehow distracting yourself from the inner stuff somehow blaming yourself blaming others dismissing or minimizing your pain and more When we do these things, it just serves to keep the energy inside or from returning. It's like putting a cap on a bottle before tipping it over. Or if the internal momentum is like rolling a bowling ball, then these thoughts/behaviors are like placing a wall in the middle of the alley. So what happens is the internal stuff that you're ignoring/avoiding/minimizing/squishing festers and worsens. It doesn't just sit there patiently. You know that already though. It tends to grow and get worse. It infects other facets of your life, like your relationships or work. The pain that you're going through - the anxiety, panic, fear, depression... it's telling you something. And it's your job to listen. Not to ignore the pain. Not to dismiss it. Not to squish it down or fight it off. To listen. Calmly and curiously. Not judging or evaluating it. But to listen in moments where you're actually safe. And look inward at what your body is telling you. Just a little bit at a time. It's hard work, I know. You might be cut off from your body in a major way. I do a lot of therapy work with teens (and a few adults) who have survived abuse and are left in a numbness or fog. When they look inward, they find nothing (at first). Or they've been left with a ton of anger or anxiety. And when they look inward, they don't like what they find and escape in one form or another (at first). So looking inward and expecting to deal with all of your stuff all at once isn't always practical or doable. You come face to face with the energy that wants to get unstuck; that's ready to come back to life and do it's thing. And it's too intense. And with that intensity, memories pop into your mind that aren't very comfortable. Which makes things worse. At first. The good news is - you don't have to do any of that. You don't have to. You may want to. That's your call. But to get unstuck, you can basically do the opposite. Focus on the positives, focus on what energizes you safely. Things like art, dancing, music, singing, cooking, playing sports - whatever it is. It doesn't matter. As long as it brings you some energy, some joy, some connection or being a bit more in the present moment. You do these things, but do them mindfully. Listen to your body while you draw. Let it speak to you through your artwork. Or listen while you're running, listen to your muscles as they carry you. Do something safe, which will allow you to listen safely. Little by little, you may notice that the pain isn't as intense. And you might be ready to go inward and listen more directly. But at first, it helps to have a positive energy resource. Or even a safe person. Not necessarily someone to talk to about your pain. But someone you feel safe with. Not protected. Safe. Someone you can smile around. And be a bit vulnerable. This could be a club, a yoga class, being with family or a friend. When we're with safe people, we can become unstuck. But again, bring some mindfulness to the experience of being with a safe person and hold it while it's there. Build the capacity to be able to handle the stuckness. And obviously find a safe place. Might be home or a certain place in your home. Might be a church, might be at the gym or even grocery shopping. Somewhere you feel safe, comfortable and more at ease. A place that helps your energy to return without being overwhelming. You could also do the more direct route of looking inward and allowing the stuck energy to discharge or to return. Peter Levine talks way way in depth about this in his books. This can be done through meditation, in therapy with someone who is incorporating somatic skills, through yoga and of course through Somatic Experiencing. I hope reading this has been helpful for you. There is so much hope it's ridiculous. That momentum is inside of you, ready to take off. Once it gets safety and permission to do so.

(In English - https://www.justinlmft.com/post/the-polyvagal-ladder) (para más en español - https://www.christianpsicologo.com) La escalera es un concepto original de Deb Dana. Es una metáfora excelente de cómo está organizado el sistema nervioso autónomo que se encuentra dentro de cada uno de nosotros. He tomado prestada esta escalera y le he añadido los tres estados básicos y los estados mixtos según ​​en el Dr. Porges. ESTADOS PRIMARIOS Estos son los tres estados primarios del sistema nervioso autónomo. En la parte superior de la escalera está el sistema seguro/social, responsable del compromiso social, la conexión, el pensamiento crítico, la resolución de problemas y el uso de la zona de la cabeza y el cuello. En el medio está el sistema simpático de lucha huida, que se encarga de mover las extremidades para evadirse o atacar. Y en la parte inferior está el sistema de colapso, responsable del fingimiento de muerte, la disociación y el entumecimiento. ESTADOS MIXTOS Es posible que estos estados primarios también se combinen entre sí. Jugar = Seguro/Social + Lucha huida Congelación = Lucha huida + Colapso Quietud = Seguro/Social + Colapso Podéis descargar la imagen y compartirla si queréis. Podéis encontrar más información sobre ≪la escalera polivagal≫, ≪la narración sigue al estado≫, ≪destellos≫, entre otros, en el fenomenal libro de Deb Dana (los enlaces dirigen a Amazon, de donde recibo parte del beneficio económico de las ventas, sin ningún coste extra para vosotros). Y también, ¡aseguraos de escuchar mi entrevista con ella!

Yes, there needs to be a goal (or goals) in therapy. OMG, yes. I discuss things like Bad Therapy on the podcast as well as in my Patreon podcast. But here I'll go through some main points in considering this question: Therapy is not a paid friendship. It's a professional service. A service just like any other. The client pays the agreed upon amount; the provider gives the agreed upon professional service. These two things (and more) would be included in an informed consent. And there is an agreed upon goal of the service. Maybe an end date. Maybe a number of sessions. Either way, it ends when one of these conditions is met, but my focus is on a measurable change goal. And a measurable goal should be there no matter what the end condition is. If I hire a plumber, it's for a set price for a set service and ends when my plumbing need is alleviated. The plumber doesn't just keep finding things to fix. Or wander around the house aimlessly. No. We agree ahead of time on what the plumber will do. They will work until the leak under the sink is fixed. For therapists, we provide a service around something less obvious, but still measurable. Like until the feelings of anxiety have alleviated from a severity of 9/10 to 3/10. Or the nightmares have reduced to once a week versus nightly. Or the moments of noticeable "glimmers" with family members increases to 3x/day. Something like that, typically with a baseline and an identified stretch of time to see the change maintain as well (like for one month). Friendships don't have goals. Or cut off points. Or a limited number of meetings. Friendship does not involve being paid. It's not a professional service. It's friendship. Friends can get together and just talk. They can kill time with no specific end goal in mind. It's about the company of the friend, not what you want out of the friend. Therapy is different. There's something a client wants out of the therapist. Something that the client is not able to do alone at that point in their life. So they hire someone they perceive can help them get to the next step. If you're coming in week after week and doing basic chit chat or venting, that's not therapy. Chit chat can have its place in building rapport with a client and oftentimes a session begins with chit chat. And there might be a week where the client tells me, "I just need to vent and for you to listen." But the heart of therapy is much more than this. Again, it's a service and not a friendship. We are supposed to provide something different that a friend or other support cannot. And part of that is having a clear goal to collaborate on. I personally do not feel comfortable whatsoever with accepting money from someone to simply talk. Or chit chat. Or vent. That's something they can get elsewhere. If a therapist is taking payment from you week after week without a goal, then I don't know what they're doing. It seems they are charging you for talking with no end in sight. How do you know if this is helpful or not? How do you know if you're making progress? How is that being measured? Is the therapist a part of that discussion on progress? If they aren't discussing or measuring progress, what are they doing? And I know, the client is still receiving co-regulation and simply connecting with another human being is important and helpful. But helpful towards what? What does my co-regulation have to do with the client unless they have a goal that they are working towards? If you want co-regulation, that's what friends are for. You can get co-regulation in the form of friendly support. Or a mentor. Or a family member. Or a spiritual leader. But what if I don't have these things and just need someone to talk to? Then a goal of therapy is to increase your support network. Not for the therapist to be your support network. Therapy is temporary! Not ongoing with no end in sight. Yes, some clients might be in therapy for years and years. This isn't a discussion on how long therapy should take. Only on whether there is a goal or not. Even for those clients in therapy for years, there should still be regular measuring of progress toward a specific goal. Goals can change over time, by the way. The goal of the first few months of therapy might not be the same as the last few months. As one thing improves in therapy, then it might be time to change the goal to something else. But this needs to be a verbally discussed and then written agreement between client and therapist. Not meandering in and out of session, discussing whatever is the problem currently. Not only should the goals be clearly discussed and agreed upon, but they should also be revisited regularly. I typically check in with my clients about their progress on goals every session. "How did the homework go?" "How's your progress on the overall goal?" "Do you feel like you're still making progress on the goal or do we need to re-discuss it?" Stuff like that. I also regularly check in with them about myself as a service provider. Every session. "How did this session go for you?" "Did I do an okay job for you today?" "How was I as a listener for you?" "Is there anything I can do better for you next time?" Stuff like that. A goal is something that is agreed upon and collaborated on. So getting feedback about myself as the provider involves the client in the collaborative aspect. They design the goal with me. They discuss what's working and not working with me. We change what needs to be changed as therapy progresses. The collaboration is central to building autonomy for the client. Otherwise, without the transparent collaboration, we're left with an expert/client dichotomy. It's a strong power differential. When you collaborate, it begins to neutralize the impact of the power differential and eliminates the dichotomy. Therapists are the experts on psychology in the room. The client is the expert on their life in the room. The two meet in the middle and collaborate. The client is viewed as a fundamental part of therapy and not the recipient of therapy. Therapy is done with the client and not to the client. Without a goal, the collaboration is lost. Not having a goal in therapy and simply meandering week after week builds dependence from the client to the therapist (although I also wonder about the therapist to the client as well). A relationship of weekly venting can emerge. One of a weekly reset. This weekly reset is helpful for the week maybe, but what about long term? What about that client's larger ability to gain more emotional independence? If there is no larger goal being addressed, the client might be relying on the therapist for their weekly grounding. If the client has no one else in their life for support, this creates a significant problem. A therapist can't be offering only weekly venting. This is a guaranteed regular bill for a service that has no end in sight and may have also built dependency on the therapist. This is the exact opposite of what therapy is supposed to provide. Goals build autonomy and success. Meeting goals is important in life; they are foundational in building confidence, healthy boundaries, bravery and autonomy. In feeling value in yourself and your capacity to meet challenges. But you cannot meet a goal if you have not set a goal. Same applies for therapy. To help clients build their autonomy and confidence, they need to experience feelings of success and pride in what they have achieved. To be able to see where they were and where they are. When you begin treatment with a licensed therapist, creating a treatment plan is expected. It's taught to us in "therapy school" (as Mercedes would say) and is part of the basic structure of therapy. Therapeers - if you don't set goals with your clients, what are you working on? Are you providing anything distinct from what others can give to your clients? How do you know? If you have some means of knowing that you're working on a goal... is your client aware of it also? Do they know that you have a goal for them? Has it been discussed with them? Have they signed off on it in writing? Does your informed consent say that goals aren't going to be developed if they're not? I think at it's best, not having a treatment goal is an attempt to provide co-regulation, opportunities for venting and be a support for the client. At it's worst, it's a way to take advantage of someone's desperation and give them a weekly bill with no end in sight. And both of these can look the same way. How would you know the difference? We have to do better. We have to provide a unique collaborative experience and professional relationship for our clients that they cannot get elsewhere. And part of that is a goal for our time with our clients.

In English - https://www.justinlmft.com/post/parental_self-control Spanish translation by Sara Sandoval Trota (para más en español - https://www.christianpsicologo.com) Hola Justin. Mis hijos se suelen pasar el día chillando, chillan incluso por la noche, lo cual me activa el estado de huida. Cada vez que pasa me entra mucha ansiedad, y cuando pasa varias veces seguidas me enfado. ¿Qué puedo hacer respecto a este estado? Hola. Antes que nada —y es triste que tenga que decirlo, pero lo quiero hacer— gracias por no ser un padre que pega a sus hijos. Dicho esto, como padres, hay que hacer algo para tratar con nuestro estado a la hora de interactuar con nuestros hijos. Si te encuentras en un estado no seguro/social crónicamente, recomiendo hacer alguna actividad física en familia en momentos en los que no haya ninguna crisis. A decir verdad, hay muchas cosas diferentes que podemos hacer, así que no hay una sola respuesta. He aquí lo que hago yo. Ser consciente de mi propio estado Detenerme Recordar mis valores como padre Entender el estado de mis hijos Darles señales de que están a salvo Solucionar el problema con ellos 1. SER CONSCIENTE DE NUESTRO ESTADO Todos los días llevo la consciencia a mi estado y a mi respiración, lo cual se ha convertido en un hábito para mí. Suelo escanear en varios momentos del día diferentes partes de mi cuerpo (¿¡por qué casi siempre tengo la parte de detrás de las orejas tan tensa!?). Conozco las señales de mi cuerpo lo suficientemente bien como para pillarlas antes de que me lleven a comportarme de alguna manera de la que acabaría arrepintiéndome. Osea, cuando me siento muy frustrado, me doy cuenta de ello y enseguida hago algo distinto para no acabar chillando. Por ejemplo, si vuestro hijo se despierta a medianoche chillando, ¿cómo os sentís? ¿Os entran ganas de correr? ¿Os invaden pensamientos de peligro? Si vuestro hijo adolescente se pone rebelde, ¿qué hace vuestro cuerpo? ¿Tenéis una subida de acidez en el estómago? ¿Os encontráis apretando los dientes? Hacer los escaneos diarios, ya sea en cualquier momento o no, nos lleva la consciencia a nuestro cuerpo, y con consciencia —siendo capaces de describir las sensaciones de nuestro cuerpo y nuestros pensamientos— aumenta nuestro control a la hora de elegir cómo reaccionamos a las situaciones más difíciles. 2. DETENERSE En serio, simplemente deteneos. Si esto es una idea totalmente nueva para vosotros y soléis llenaros de furia o queréis salir corriendo, esta recomendación os resultará absurda y totalmente inasequible. Y lo entiendo. Todavía es un reto para mí si no me encuentro en el estado seguro/social. Dejar pasar la frustración es más fácil y hace sentir mucho mejor que intentar hablarle con calma a un niño chillando, pero hace más daño a corto y a largo plazo. Yo simplemente he aceptado que pararme me da la oportunidad de avanzar al siguiente paso. Es como un momento de transición para mí, no una solución al problema. Pero antes de eso, mi objetivo singular en este paso es no empeorar la situación. Si mi hijo está enfadado y yo también me enfado, probablemente la situación va a empeorar, y a más largo plazo, también estoy empeorando la relación con mi familia, y eso no va conmigo. Si vuestros hijos están chillando en medio de la noche, no empeoréis la situación. Estamos hablando de un niño aterrorizado que ha caído en su propia excitación simpática. Dar señales de seguridad será más efectivo y tendrá un impacto positivo más duradero en el niño y en su capacidad de tolerar su propio estado la próxima vez. No lo empeoréis esta vez actuando por impulsos y siendo más agresivos. Tenéis una oportunidad para mejorar ahora de cara a la siguiente ocasión. 3. RESPIRACIÓN PROFUNDA Lo sé, está recomendación suena estúpida y nada práctica, pero es muy efectiva para volver en vosotros mismos. Respiro tantas veces como me haga falta, sin moverme y yendo un poco hacia dentro. Mis hijos se darán cuenta de lo que estoy haciendo, lo cual les dará un tiempo de pausa. Normalmente una buena inspiración profunda seguida de una exhalación larga me basta para poder concentrarme en el siguiente paso, pero si necesitáis hacerlo más de una vez, adelante. Este es un bueno momento para recordar alguna experiencia del pasado que os hiciera sentir a salvo. Yo recomiendo pensar en alguna vez en que tomasteis en brazos a ese niño cuando todavía era un bebé, o en la primera vez que os agarraron el pulgar, o la primera vez que jugaron a algo. Cualquier cosa que os haga recordar cuánto los queréis, porque es verdad que los queréis, aunque no sea lo que sintáis en ese momento de agitación. Sin duda, deberíais practicar la respiración profunda a lo largo del día. Yo no hago meditación ni yoga; no es lo que me va. Sin embargo, controlar la respiración de manera consciente de vez en cuando me entrena para ser capaz de actuar de manera más acertada más rápido. 4. RECORDAR NUESTROS VALORES COMO PADRES En momentos de mucho enfado o frustración, me es de ayuda recordar cuáles son mis valores como padre. Por nada del mundo pegaría jamás a mis hijos, lo cual me resulta bastante fácil, y siendo honesto, no tengo ningún deseo de pegarles. Si este tema es algo que necesitáis priorizar, por favor hacedlo inmediatamente. Por favor. He aquí algunos otros posibles valores: Educo a mis hijos partiendo del amor, por encima de todo Tengo que ser una persona que dé seguridad y señales de que no hay peligro Seré una persona con quien puedan sentirse a salvo, sabiendo que soy un modelo para el futuro Estos valores normalmente me bastan para ir al siguiente paso. No, no es super fácil al principio. Sí, con práctica, cada vez se hace más fácil. Han habido veces en que he tenido un poco de debate interno sobre cómo llevar una situación, porque aunque sabía que el camino seguro/social es el correcto, también sabía que dejarme llevar por la energía de lucha huida me daría un resultado más rápido. Normalmente, este diálogo interno acaba con el sistema seguro/social diciéndole al sistema lucha huida ≪vete a otra parte≫. Si lo que quiero es que mis hijos se encuentren en el estado seguro/social, yo tengo que estar en él también. 5. ENTENDER EL ESTADO DE NUESTRO HIJO El otro beneficio de ser conscientes de nuestro propio estado es usarlo como señal para dar información de nuestra toma de decisiones. Si nos sentimos en pánico cuando nuestro hijo está chillando, he ahí una pista de dónde se encuentra nuestro hijo. Seguramente está sintiendo algo parecido, y ahora nosotros también lo estamos sintiendo. Imaginad que estáis en un centro comercial y sentís a un bebé chillando. ¿Qué sucede? ¿Vuestras alarmas internas se apagan, verdad? Esas alarmas están ahí por algo. Respetadlas, escuchadlas, y entonces actuad. Surgen de vuestro amor por vuestros hijos. Cuando estamos más calmados, podemos ser más conscientes y elegir cómo actuar. 6. DAR SEÑALES A NUESTRO HIJO DE QUE ESTÁ A SALVO Esto significa darles señales de seguridad de manera directa, por ejemplo, estando con ellos, tomándolos en brazos, cantando, sonriendo, usando la prosodia o levantándonos y moviéndonos con ellos. Para los adolescentes, vamos a centrarnos más en lo facial, como el contacto visual, o mostrando curiosidad por ellos y que nos importan. Para el niño que se ha despertado en medio de la noche y está chillando, puede que tengamos que usar una voz má prosódica mientras los tomamos en brazos y lo mecemos. No tengo una guía exacta para cada caso, y cada niño es diferente, eso está claro. Para mi hijo (de 4 años), cuando abro los brazos como para darle un abrazo, normalmente viene a mi sin poder resistirse, incluso cuando está muy abajo en la escalera polivagal. Para mi hija (de 9 años), suele funcionar mejor escucharla y darle tiempo, y entonces volver a preguntarle cómo está, y cuando se haya regulado, le doy un poco de amor y positividad. 7. SOLUCIONAR EL PROBLEMA Una vez hayamos ganado el control sobre nosotros mismos, entendamos mejor en qué estado se encuentra nuestro hijo y estemos concentrados en dar señales de seguridad, ahora ya podemos intentar solucionar el problema. ¿Por qué estos niños están chillando en medio de la noche? Obviamente, no se sienten a salvo, lo cual puede ser por diferentes motivos, pero una vez se sientan suficientemente seguros, es la hora de procesar lo que está pasando. Podríamos decir algo como: ≪Oye, he visto que te salían lágrimas de los ojos y te he oído chillar, pero veo que ahora estás respirando mejor. Has pasado mucho miedo, ¿no? ¿Qué te ocurre?≫ Una vez nos hayan dado una respuesta, podemos intentar buscar una solución con ellos. Solucionad el problema juntos, como cerrando la puerta del armario con el niño que tiene miedo. Para un adolescente, podría ser organizar un horario para hacer los deberes. Trabajar con ellos los ayudará a entrenarse para quedarse o volver al estado seguro/social la próxima vez. A largo plazo, esto mejora la regulación de uno mismo. El mayor problema que nos encontramos es que no podemos esperar hasta el momento de la crisis para preocuparnos de nuestra propia regulación. Tenemos que hacerlo más a menudo. Si esperamos hasta el momento en que oímos chillidos, y entonces decimos ¿¿¡¡Qué hago ahora!!??, será más difícil implementar estas soluciones. Así que hay que practicar estas cosas con antelación para que no sea tan abrumador cuando nos encontremos en la situación real. Creedme, he estado en vuestro lugar y ya lo he pasado (casi del todo). Sí queréis saber más sobre este tema, os recomiendo leer (enlaces de Amazon de donde recibo parte del beneficio de las ventas sin que os cueste nada extra a vosotros) Tus hijos a prueba de traumas de Peter Levine, el curador de traumas de ≪Somatic Experiencing≫.