I agree that mindset is important. But I think it's misunderstood and prioritized way too high. It's a problem, but it's not the problem.
You've likely heard you must fix your mindset to make the changes you want. (And likely from some internet coach.) You've heard you need to stop your "negative thinking" and "shoulding all over yourself." So, you're here to learn how to do so.
But I don't think how you think is causing the problems you seek help for.
You may have already started trying to change your mindset and ended up feeling frustrated and lost. You might be ready to give up. Great news—you're in the right place! Let's make sense of mindset, where it comes from, and what you can do to change it finally!
in this blog:
Mindset: What is it?
So, the first thing to address is mindset. We'll start generally. Merriam Webster defines mindset as "a mental attitude or inclination." Cambridge Dictionary defines it as "a person's way of thinking and opinions."
Okay, great, but that doesn't tell us much.
Growth vs Fixed Mindset
You've likely stumbled upon Carol Dweck's work if you've researched "mindset". While I'm unsure if she initiated the widespread interest in mindset, her name is closely associated with it. My main focus lies in the contributions Carol Dweck has made to the field of psychology, the subsequent developments, and the reasons why it remains somewhat lacking.
Focusing on thoughts as the root of one's problems is not a groundbreaking concept. Dweck and proponents argue that mindset can catalyze transformation. Like many others, she believes that if you can change your thinking, your emotions and behaviors will follow.
Dweck's focus on cognitions comes in the form of a "growth mindset" and a "fixed mindset."
Fixed mindset: "If you have a fixed mindset, you believe your abilities are fixed traits and therefore can't be changed. You may also believe that your talent and intelligence alone lead to success and effort is not required." -verywellmind.com
Growth mindset: "On the flip side, if you have a growth mindset, you believe your talents and abilities can be developed over time through effort and persistence." -verywellmind.com
From this framing, the issue lies in your mindset type, particularly a fixed mindset. If you can adopt a growth mindset, then change is possible. Buuuut...
Does a growth mindset truly fix everything?
Is something wrong with your business? Are you not getting the right grades in school?
Can you not communicate effectively with your spouse? Do you want a life partner but can't find one? Is there some sort of emotional dysregulation you're going through that you can't get over? Well, all these things, and a lot more, can be fixed with a growth mindset.
At least, that's what the mindset gurus say. If you look up these things online, you will easily find numerous articles, books, courses, videos, all kinds of stuff that apply the growth mindset idea to these topics. And, yeah, a lot more.
the Challenge of Adopting a Growth Mindset
Let's do a quick exercise - identify something that you want to change in your life. Something serious.
Got it? Great.
Okay, you have your problem. Now you know the answer is to adopt a growth mindset to find the solution that will fix your problem.
So, I'll give you a moment to go ahead and adopt that growth mindset. Go ahead, I'll wait here.
Did you get it? Do you have that growth mindset yet? Hm. Maybe not.
To have a growth mindset, you have to grow it. You can't just turn it off or on. Sadly, even though the problem is easily diagnosable, it is not easily fixed by simply adopting a growth mindset.
You have to grow it. You can't just choose to have a growth mindset. So, how do you get or grow a growth mindset... actually, hang onto that. We'll come back to it.
Emotional State vs Mindset
I have another question that is more important right now. Why do some people have a growth mindset and some have a fixed mindset?
Some easy answers that come to me are:
mindset is based on how one is raised
mindset comes from birth and never changes
mindset can change but it's really hard, so one opts to keep their mindset instead of working at it
chemical imbalance perhaps?
mental health disorder? illness?
No matter the potential reason for one's mindset, we're still left with this assertion—the way you think is either right or wrong.
I don't find this assertion super helpful. Getting people to think differently is not easy, especially if that's your primary way of addressing someone's presenting problems.
People seek therapy for many reasons. And yeah, their thinking is potentially motivating them to seek help. But it's never the only reason. One's thinking doesn't exist in a vacuum. In other words, cognitions don't pop into and out of existence on their own.
What we want to change about ourselves is never just a thinking problem. There's always more to it.
Emotions lead to mindset, which leads to emotions, which leads to...
I find in my therapy and coaching work that thoughts stem from our emotions. At the very least, they occur alongside our emotions, and the two reinforce each other. Thinking pessimistically can come from depression, but it also reinforces the depression. Negative expectations about the future can come from anxiety, and also reinforce the anxiety.
Let me switch it up again, and I want to approach this from a different angle.
When do you have a growth mindset?
When do you naturally have a growth mindset? There are probably moments where you already have it! You don't need to do anything in particular. It's just somehow... there.
Ask yourself these growth mindset questions:
When do you have positive thoughts?
When are you okay with learning from failure?
When do you feel more authentic?
When do you need less approval from others?
When are you okay with being imperfect?
You probably already have moments like these. So when is that?
If you don't feel that way or never feel that way, imagine what it would look like to be more likely to feel that way.
I assume you feel this way or that your mindset changes, probably when you feel calm and relaxed. When you have these emotions, you're probably more open to what life brings you and more connected to your senses. When you feel calm, your failures or obstacles in life probably aren't debilitating. You're probably more likely to roll with them and learn from them.
I would guess you have a growth mindset when you're feeling motivated, focused, and energized to keep moving forward, even when there is resistance and frustration.
You probably have a growth mindset when you're with others you feel safe with and trust, with whom you can be vulnerable or have fun.
You also probably have more of a growth mindset when playing a game and socializing. Like, if you're playing Cornhole (which I'm sure we all do) and miss a throw, as long as you're with people and having a good time, it won't be debilitating. You'll probably pick up the sandbag and try it again. And if you miss that one, which you probably will, you'll try it again. You may not realize it, but in a sense, you have a growth mindset. You're seeing these little failures like missing the hole and trying to do better the next time.
The point is that there are probably contexts in your life where you already have a growth mindset or something similar to one.
So, why would it be there in some contexts but not others?
When do you have a fixed mindset?
How about with a fixed mindset?
When do you have limiting beliefs?
When are you more frustrated and think you'll fail?
When do you feel like there's no point in trying?
When do you feel like a loser and don't believe in yourself?
I'm guessing it's probably when you're more emotionally upset, not calm, or not connected to the present moment. I would guess it's probably when you're feeling more alone or rejected, and I would guess it's probably when you're feeling pressured.
Your emotional state has a lot to do with whether you have a fixed or growth mindset. I don't think one has either growth or fixed. Perhaps it's a spectrum of fixed to growth.
Your emotions influence your mindset on that spectrum, but the intensity of your emotions does as well. When you're mildly frustrated, you probably lean toward a growth mindset. As you get increasingly frustrated, your mindset probably slides toward fixed.
But this leads to another and better question—what's causing the emotion that is causing and reinforcing one's mindset?
the Connection Between Mindset and Polyvagal State
We know your mindset doesn't exist on its own for no reason. It comes from your emotional state, and we know your mindset and emotions reinforce each other.
Another obvious question - What's triggering your emotions to shift your mindset?
Your emotions come from your Polyvagal state. (If you don't know the Polyvagal Theory, use my free Polyvagal Intro page.) Your Polyvagal state comes from your brainstem detecting safety or danger, shifting your autonomic nervous system into an appropriate state based on context.
For example, when the brainstem neurocepts you're in danger, it shifts your body's state to sympathetic flight or fight. Your body prioritizes its functions for survival through evasion or aggression. In this state, your body is activated and cannot settle down and relax. Your emotions will be anxious, aggressive, irritated, or worried, among others. And your thoughts will focus on potential "dangers," like work stresses or past interactions with people.
Conversely, when your brainstem neurocepts safety, it will shift your body's state accordingly. When you're in a state of safety, you will feel calm, playful, intimate, and connected. Your thoughts will be hopeful, and you'll be more focused. You will have a greater potential for a growth mindset in this state.
Your mindset potential changes depending on the state of your body.
What affects your Polyvagal state?
So, your mindset comes from your body's state, but your state shifts based on factors from several sources: environment, interpersonal, and intrapersonal. Each of us will experience these factors differently, and how things will affect us is not always predictable.
One's past influences one's current state as well. Having experienced a healthy attachment with caregivers and established healthy boundaries will likely foster a growth mindset. This can enable individuals to navigate life's challenges, maintain a positive outlook, show compassion towards themselves and others, and learn from experiences. Indeed, being raised with an emphasis on the value of effort increases the likelihood of possessing a growth mindset.
Trauma & growth mindset
Trauma can severely limit someone's potential for existing in a Polyvagal state of safety, which is essential for a growth mindset. Trauma isn't the events or lack of events someone went through. Instead, it's the impact of those events on their bodies. In essence, trauma is being stuck in a defensive state.
Does this mean someone who is traumatized cannot or will never achieve a growth mindset? Of course not. These individuals may appreciate the importance of sustained effort and never giving up. Their recovery may be instrumental in sustaining their growth mindset and efforts.
Let's come back to where we started.
Change Your State to Change Your Mindset
Yeah, mindset is important, of course. But in my opinion, mindset is not as important as your state.
Your state is the primary mover. If we can change your state, your mindset will change along with it.
Trying to change your mindset while you're in a defensive state is likely to reinforce that state—"I knew I couldn't do it!" It's just not as simple as changing your thoughts.
Those with a growth mindset already have a lot or enough access to their safety state. When obstacles occur in their lives or if they have a failure or a mini failure, they don't sink deeply into defensive state activation. They can roll with what life throws at them because their safety state is strong enough, resulting in higher distress tolerance and a growth mindset.
This individual might even be able to feel and mindfully use their defensive state activation. When anxious, angry, or stressed, they use that energy to accomplish a goal. Or, at least make progress on one.
The point is that people with a growth mindset have a pretty darn good anchoring in their safety state. That's probably the most significant difference between someone with a growth mindset and someone with a fixed mindset.
The growth mindset person didn't wake up with a growth mindset; it was fostered and developed along with continual safety state activation. Their capacity to tolerate distress grew on an autonomic level, and then their thoughts followed.
The problem is not a fixed mindset
A fixed mindset is a problem, but it's not the problem. Mindset and its accompanying thoughts are probably a tertiary problem.
The primary problem is the Polvagal state. The secondary problem is the sensations and impulses from that state that haven't been felt and acted upon. When these aren't acted upon, they linger in the system. We feel them as emotions like anxiety and anger. Emotions affect our thoughts, which make up our mindset.
A stuck defensive Polyvagal state is the primary problem. This leads to your mindset.
How to change your Polyvagal state
How do you go about changing your state, then?
It's not easy, but it is possible to change your underlying autonomic state and achieve a higher level of safety. You need at least two essential ingredients to activate your safety state -
literal safety
passive safety cues
Literal safety
First, you have to have literal, actual, factual environmental safety. You have to be surrounded by a safe enough environment. If you're in a dangerous environment, it will be tough to have a growth mindset. Probably impossible.
The other thing would be having actual safe people in your life versus people who are causing you harm or are directly a danger to you. Again, it is unlikely to impossible to have a growth mindset in this scenario.
Passive safety cues
The absence of danger does not equate to safety. It just means there is no danger. However, the absence of danger provides an opportunity to lay a foundation of safety.
Introduce passive safety cues into your home to lay a foundation of safety. In my Building Safety Anchors course, I recommend picking one spot in your home to create a Passive Safety Environment (PSE). You use this space to adjust various environmental elements, like lighting, sound, and scent.
When you change sensory elements of your Passive Safety Environment, try to identify what generally feels better than not. The goal is to create safety cues within your PSE that steadily trigger your safety state passively.
The point is that passive safety cues are better than the absence of danger. From passive safety cueing, you can then shift to mindful safety anchoring.
Mindfulness to shift Polyvagal state
Mindfulness is a core piece of what I do with my clients and through my courses. Mindfulness means connecting with the present moment. In the present moment, you can feel safe, be curious about your mindset, and even shift out of a danger state.
The easiest way to be mindful might be to use your senses. But don't use all of them at once. Pick the one that is the most easily accessible for you and focus on what it's telling you.
When you focus on that one sense, try to slow down and experience it. Listen deeply to what it tells you. Take a breath in and let it out slowly, noticing the present-moment experience of your sense. Ask yourself, "Does what I am experiencing feel more or less like safety?"
Practice this little mindfulness exercise daily. Your capacity to be mindful in other areas will increase as you do. You will become more acquainted with your safety state and notice it more often. Your safety state will strengthen, especially if you can combine mindfulness with letting yourself feel some defensive activation.
When mindful like this, having a fixed mindset is difficult. When connected to the present moment, your thought potential opens up. A fixed mindset's all-or-nothing thinking erodes, giving way to a growth mindset.
Think less about your thoughts
I hope this little blog has helped you rethink your thinking and what helps you shift your mindset potential.
I believe too much time and energy is spent changing our thoughts. I like working with other coaches in my coaching practice; they tell me they're sick of stressing about their thoughts and getting their mindset "right." They're sick of stressing about negative thoughts, "shoulds," and fixed mindsets.
There's value in awareness of thinking, sure. But there's more value to what's happening underneath your thinking - the stuff you're probably unaware of. Instead of endlessly trying to change your thinking, focus on connecting to the present moment. Then, notice your thinking and if it's changed or not.
There's way more to you and each of us than our mindset. I invite you to become more curious about what else is within you.
If you're enjoying this type of content, you'll love the exclusive Polyvagal-informed goodies and community within the Stuck Not Broken: Total Access Membership. Inside, you'll get access to courses designed to help you get unstuck and join others on a similar journey as you.
Q&A from this Blog:
1. Why isn’t mindset the root of the problem?
Mindset is often seen as the primary factor driving personal success, but it’s more of a secondary or even tertiary issue. Our emotional and physical states, driven by our autonomic nervous system, shape our mindset. If you're stuck in a defensive state, it’s much harder to simply change your mindset. The real work is in shifting your state, which then opens up the potential for mindset change.
2. Can I adopt a growth mindset immediately?
No, adopting a growth mindset isn’t something that happens instantly. It’s not a switch you can flip. You develop a growth mindset over time by first focusing on your emotional and physical safety, which creates the foundation for it to naturally develop.
3. How does mindfulness help shift mindset?
Mindfulness helps by connecting you to the present moment and allowing you to access your Polyvagal state of safety and connection. When you’re mindful, it’s easier to notice and shift out of a defensive state, which can then lead to a more open, growth-oriented mindset. Focusing less on thoughts and more on your present-moment sensations is key.
3 Quotes from this Blog:
To have a growth mindset, you have to grow it. You can't just turn it off or on. Sadly, even though the problem is easily diagnosable, it is not easily fixed by simply adopting a growth mindset.
The absence of danger does not equate to safety. It just means there is no danger. However, the absence of danger provides an opportunity to lay a foundation of safety.
There's way more to you and each of us than our mindset. I invite you to become more curious about what else is within you.
Author Bio:
Justin Sunseri is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Coach who specializes in trauma relief. He hosts the Stuck Not Broken podcast, is the author of Stuck Not Broken: Book 1, and is a member of the Polyvagal Institute's Editorial Board. He specializes in treating trauma and helping individuals get "unstuck" from their defensive states.
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