One of the things that may be keeping you stuck in an uncomfortable emotion is that you are not giving it permission to exist. You may be repressing it in some way, which is understandable.
But this coping tactic can only last so long and makes things worse.
What to expect in this blog:
I want to teach you the third step in my 3 Top-Down Self-regulation openers. This comes after validation and normalization. I will do a brief review of the first two, then teach you about giving yourself permission to have your emotion(s).
Jump to a section:
Give your emotion(s) permission to exist.
To feel your feelings, you first need to give them permission to exist. "Giving permission" simply means that you are allowing your emotion to be with you in the present moment. This means that you do not minimize, deny, excuse, ignore or any other sort of reflexive cognitive adaptation to reduce the intensity of your emotion.
You are absolutely not the only person to engage in this type of coping. It's actually very common, probably something we all do on some level.
Changing your emotional state from the brain to the body
It's possible to shift your emotional state from the bottom-up or from the top-down, meaning from the body to the brain or the brain to the body. This can be helped with top-down self-regulation openers.
3 Top-Down Self-Regulation Openers
These 3 steps help to open the path for shifting your emotions. They lay the groundwork for further techniques you can use and also soften the intensity of the negative emotions you are experiencing. My 3 top-down self-regulation openers are:
validation
normalization
giving permission
Validation explained briefly
Validation is recognizing the factual matter that your emotions exist. Validation does not mean that you are okay with it or that you like it. Validation means you recognize the emotion is real.
Normalization explained briefly
Normalization is making sense of your now-valid emotions based on the context they exist in or came from. This could be the immediate context and/or the past context of your life and how it affects you in the present moment.
Why would you give yourself permission to feel your feelings?
I know this may sound odd. But look at it this way - the emotion that needs permission to exist already exists within you anyway. It’s already there, whether you like it or not. Whether you want it there or you don’t.
Your emotions exist already.
You’ve just successfully ignored, minimized, denied, stuffed down, neglected, or coped with it until this point. Now it may be time to do something different.
How to give your emotions permission to exist
Instead of those reflexive cognitive coping skills and instead of a behavioral adaptation, your challenge on this step of your journey is to allow the emotion to be present. Here's what it might sound like:
“I'm allowed to have the emotion of _____.”
“I'm allowed to feel what I have inside.”
“Other people are allowed to have emotions, and I'm allowed to also.”
“I feel them whether I want to or not. I might as well give myself permission.”
“I'm going to allow myself to feel and be curious about the emotional experience of my traumatized state.”
I want you to pick one that feels right for you or make up your own. What would that sound like? What would it sound like to permit yourself to have the emotion that you have?
Using all 3 top-down self-regulation openers
Steps 1-3: validate, normalize, and then give permission
Ground yourself back in the previous two steps you already completed. Is your emotion valid? (Does it actually exist?) Is your emotion normal? (Does it make sense that you are experiencing that based on your life context?)
If yes to both of those, then the next step is to allow it.
When you allow the emotion to be present, it can further reduce its intensity. Isn’t it exhausting to keep running away from or subduing the emotion that brings you here? Doesn’t it just leave you worn out? Frustrated? Defeated?
Instead of going down that road, let’s try a different one, which is just giving permission for the emotion to exist.
Create an image and welcoming message for your emotion
Using your imagination can be more inviting
I recommend to my therapy and coaching clients that they give their emotion an image and a welcoming message.
This is a playful metaphorical cognitive technique to make the process more manageable. Eventually, this won’t be needed as you continue to practice. This is what it could sound like:
"You’re welcome to be here with me, [emotion name]. I am going to stick you in my pocket and let you hang out with me.”
Then imagine tucking it away into your pocket. That’s it. Silly, I know. That’s the point.
The point is not to ignore your emotion
Tucking it into your pocket is not intended to be ignoring the emotion. If that feels dismissive to you, create another image that works for you to feel like you’re allowing the emotion to be present with you. Here are other options:
Maybe the emotion walks beside you throughout your day.
Maybe it’s sitting on your shoulder.
It really doesn’t matter, give it an image if you have one that you think will allow the emotion to be with you in compassion.
