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Some links below will take you to an Amazon page where I get a portion of the sale at no extra cost to you- This was an absolutely incredible experience for me. I got to interview the one and only Deb Dana! I've broken down the entire chat below (which will match the audio better than the video), quoting some gold nuggets from her. I'd love to see how you benefited from her, so please leave a comment below. She is the second member of my Polyvagal Trinity that I have interviewed. If you haven't watched or listened to it already, give it a shot after this one. I highly recommend buying her book . It's a great breakdown of the PVT in easy to understand terms. If you're a therapist, it's a must own. Also this one . It's co-edited by her along with Dr Porges. In it, they've collected a wide range of essays where the PVT is applied: nursing, grief, therapy and more. It's a great one for those in the helping professions. And also her third book , which is good for clients or professionals. STORY FOLLOWS STATE :45 - “Your autonomic state comes to life and then the information is fed up to your brain and it’s your brain’s job to make sense of what’s happening in the body, so it makes up a story.” 1:46 - “You can see how the story changes dependent on the state, not depending on what I choose to think.“ 2:08 - Listening Through Three States Take a simple experience and then imagine that you’re looking at it through the 3 states and see what the story is that emerges 3:25 - Autonomic profile is created over our life span “Our preferred home is hopefully [safe/social]... we [also] have a home away from home… That’s where I visit. That’s where my system was shaped.” “I think we have a theme to our dysregulated stories.” 6:28 - “If you can look across the way and say, ‘oh, thats a dysregulated nervous system.. And if you can say, ‘it’s not that he doesn’t want to be in connection with me, it’s that his biology won’t let him right now,’ then that helps to give it a different story.” 6:54 - “We are story making beings, that’s what we do as humans. I’d like the story to be based in the biology. What’s your autonomic story, not what’s your cognitive story.” STORY vs BODY STATE 8:19 - Stories in therapy “I’d like for us to listen to your autonomic story, because I’ll bet you haven’t heard that one yet.” “I like to start by witnessing the nervous system story first.” BEFRIENDING 8:45 - “Gotta befriend, and so many of us have a hard time doing that. Befriending involves some self-compassion which is also hard to get to.” 9:15 - “Every behavior is in service of survival. No matter how crazy. Your nervous system has enacted something because it’s trying to keep your alive.” 9:35 - gety to know nervous system before befriending “When you’re in each state, to fill in the sentences - The world is and I am… Because those two sentences are the core beliefs that are at work when you are in that state.” 10:15 - “get to know, then get to befriend” “Of course I think everybody’s against me when i’m in sympathetic. Because moving into sympathetic - that’s the feeling - you’ve not become my enemy, not my friend. I no longer care about social engagement because my biology simply wants to keep me alive.” “If in sympathetic you’re my enemy, in dorsal you don’t exist. In dorsal, I’m just floating on my own out there somewhere.” 11:10 - “When we begin to take away some of that judgment, that self-criticism, then there’s room for curiosity. And curiosity is what you need in order to befriend.” DISCERNMENT 12:20 - “There have to be more cues of safety than danger in order for me to move into ventral.” 13:25 -”The adaptive response come out in response to cues of danger and often times what happens, there’s a cue of danger that has a bit of familiarity to something in the past and so my nervous system is going to go into that full blown response because it can’t discern.” 13:45 - “In this moment, in this place, with these people - is this intensity of response necessary? I get it was necessary then but i’m not sure it is now.” CLIMBING THE LADDER 14:30 - “In the beginning, for many people, climbing out of dorsal is really difficult... They need a co-regulator. They need somebody to accompany them.” 15:04 - a gentle return of energy to exit dorsal “To begin to leave dorsal, you have to travel through sympathetic… we have to have our energy used in an organized way and often in connection with somebody else.” 15:34 - “None of us are going to spend all of our time in ventral. That’s even not the goal. The goal is to be flexible in how you navigate between states.” 15:55 - “Your nervous system knows just how to do this, we are just reminding your nervous system. It knows the way back to ventral. And we’re going to keep doing it so it remembers it more easily.” 16:15 - “Our trauma stories live in sympathetic and dorsal. So when we hit those states our truma stories grab use. They come alive and grab us.” 17:10 - celebrate mobilization! TRANSPARENCY 17:40 - “Therapy is often this lovely, magical thing that happens, but it’s a mystery. I don’t want this to be a mystery to my clients. I want them to be active operators of their nervous systems.” 18:45 - “What I keep telling people is you think you can get away with not being regulated with your clients and you can’t because their nervous system knows it.” 19:00 - “We want our clients to be able to accurately identify when someone they’re with is dysregulated, but also accurately identify when they come back into connection. And those things are missing for many trauma survivors.” THE REACH OF THE POLYVAGAL THEORY 20:00 - how it took off and her role in it 20:50 - Clinical Applications of the Polyvagal Theory - (link is to Amazon item, where I will get a portion of the sale) https://amzn.to/2ZuowMD 22:00 - “It is our responsibility to be regulated and offer that regulation to our clients. Because otherwise they can’t engage in the process of change that they want. If we... broaden that into society, if we move through the world from a regulated place and offer that to others, the world will change.” GLIMMERS & GLOWS 22:40 - glimmers and glows in the 2nd book! 23:00 - “A glimmer is that micromoment [of safety]… 10-20 seconds… if we can notice a glimmer and hang out with it and really just invite it in, let it fill us and spend some time and listen to the story, then it becomes a glow.” 23:45 “If you don’t have some ventral flavor in your system, you’re not going to see the glimmers because you’re not set up to find them.” 24:25 - “In a survival response, why would you want to see something beautiful and regulated? That’s not going to keep you alive.” Make an intention to look for glimmers THE NERVOUS SYSTEM & HOPE FOR CHANGE 25:10 - Nature vs nurture and a default state 25:40 - “It’s that moment you enter the world. How were you met? Were you met in loving arms? Were you met with someone who was afraid? We think about generational legacy… and I like to simply look at the nervous system and say, “If my mom grew up in a family system that was dysregulated, then she was probably dysregulated. And if her mom grew up in a system that was dysregulated…” 26:15 - “We’re shaped over our experience. The nervous system is a system of relationship. It’s shaped in relationship with others. The beauty of that is it can be reshaped as we go.” CLIMBING THE LADDER IN THERAPY 28:00 - common themes to climbing the ladder and individual responses 29:35 - exiting sympathetic and channeling energy into relaxation, dorsal need to bring energy in 30:25 - “The nervous system language is about connection.” 31:00 - flat affect from the therapist “Your flat affect is a cue of danger to your clients… Do not do therapy with a flat affect… You have become a threat to your clients.” 32:00 “If you don’t come somewhere close to the energy that their system is bringing… their nervous system is saying that nervous system has no clue what’s happening over here... Their nervous system is going to send a message of misattunement.” 32:30 anchoring in ventral as a therapist and simply being there 32:50 - turtle analogy “To get a turtle to come out of the shell, you don’t knock on its shell and you don’t shake them... You just kinda sit there patiently... But you really have to be beaming that ventral vagal energy to that system.” 33:18 - “I like to say in dorsal I'm more of a guide, I can lead the way, show the way home. In sympathetic I’m following right along with ya… Let’s do it!” 33:55 - therapy and building the ventral capacity = resilience 34:25 - Dorsal takes longer to “make our way back.” 34:35 - sympathetic messages of impatience from therapist about making progress 35:20 - “notice and name” 42:00 - typical sensations and body posture of climbing the ladder in therapy IDENTIFYING STATE 37:10 - How do you tell if someone is just smiling away the pain versus being actually happy? 38:15 - tracking across time exercise from 2nd book In a five minute period, check three times: My nervous system state is… And now i am.. And now i’m thinking… 40:00 - “When you’re in sympathetic, you have two ways you can go - you can come back to ventral or go to dorsal - and one of the jobs of sympathetic is to keep us out of dorsal because dorsal is the most life-threatening for us as humans, the most difficult place to go. Sympathetic works really hard to keep you mobilize because if it calms down, the worry is you’re going to go to dorsal and not come to ventral.” 40:55 - “Stillness is the most complicated autonomic blend of states, because how do you come into quiet, into stillness, without stimulating shut down? It’s a tricky thing to do, especially for people with a trauma history. Because stillness is a very vulnerable place and I have to really feel safe to come into stillness.” DIAGNOSIS 43:45 - “It is the bane of our clinical existence.” 44:05 - “Through the lens of the polyvagal theory, almost every diagnosis in the DSM is a dysregulated nervous system.” 44:35 - you give a client a diagnosis it follows them forever… I am very careful about that… I don’t think they’re useful in a lot of ways… 45:00 - Adjustment Disorder as an appropriate diagnosis, since it’s a response to a stressor and goes away 45:30 - anxiety as more sympathetic and depression as more dorsal 45:50 - “What you’re looking at is not so much what happened, but what was your client’s response to what happened? What was their autonomic response to what happened? You can begin to frame their dynamic formulation through their autonomic challenges and their autonomic things they do well.” HELPING PROFESSIONS 49:00 - “Wouldn’t it be cool if every kid could identify where they are? And the ones who are ventral could go help the ones who aren’t. Because then the next day the ones who aren’t are and the ones who are aren’t - they all help each other. That would be my wish. Because it’s about co-regulation.” 49:50 - “Polyvagal family” and shared language POLYVAGAL TRINITY 50:50 - Wonder Woman! “I’m definitely going to be Wonder Woman… I’m going to take some of her energies… She’s pretty amazing.” 51:20 - Autonomic experience of elevation “When our nervous system has this mix of sympathetic and ventral and you see someone doing a good deed and you are then pulled to want to become a doer of good deeds yourself. That was the experience I had when I watched the Wonder Woman movie. I left there thinking - 'Change the world. What are we doing?'” DEB DANA - http://www.debdanalcsw.com/ Intro/Outro music & Transition Sounds by Benjo Beats - https://soundcloud.com/benjobeats

WHEN YOU ARE NOT LISTENING... You say you understand. Just understand and listen, then speak from empathy Understand their experience, not just their words or the story itself One person’s experience of something might be different than yours You say you have an answer to my problem before I finish telling you my problem. Or even after you finish saying the problem If you ALREADY have an answer to my problem, then you weren’t listening to me, you were thinking about a solution Problem solving is done with someone, not for them. Answers can come when they’re asked for or maybe after listening and truly understanding the problem Major dividing line for parents and kids You cut me off before I have finished speaking More interest in what you have to say Sympathetic arousal, lack of patience You finish my sentences for me. You might think this is conveying a message of understanding, but it’s just talking over me If you think you know what I’m going to say, you aren’t listening to MY words, you are listening to your own thoughts about my words As we mentioned before, this is sympathetic arousal and lack of patience You are dying to tell me something. Then you are caught up in your own thoughts and state What you have to say is more important Again, sympathetic arousal You tell me about your experiences, making mine seem unimportant. Another technique that might seem like “understanding” but it’s actually more like comparing You can empathize without having experienced it yourself (regardless of whether you have a similar experience or not) Shifts the focus away from my needs Can be read as a cue of danger: (its a potential rupture that has a story that follows about the self or other person) “Maybe they don’t want to hear what I have to say…” “Maybe I’m boring…” We can commiserate about similar experiences as a method of connecting/relating later, when I’m back in my own Safe & Social state This was a theme with the Bad Therapy Stories. You refuse my thanks, saying you really haven’t done anything To accept my gratitude is to HEAR me, to be connected, to feel understood To refuse it is to negate my feelings of gratitude. It’s a rupture. It’s a misattunement. YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT - Notice when you are not listening Accept gratitude Harry Poliak, Big Leap Coaching - http://www.connectedconsciously.com/ Parents by Choice presentation is available to watch here - https://www.justinlmft.com/parentsbychoice Intro/Outro music & Transition Sounds by Benjo Beats - https://soundcloud.com/benjobeats

#1 - You are listening to me when… You really try to understand me, even if I’m not making much sense. You will ask clarifying questions You’ll attempt to identify feelings You’ll attempt to understand the problem if that’s what’s being expressed You withhold your own judgments of the person and the situation #2 - You are listening to me when… You grasp my point of view, even when it’s against your own sincere convictions. You’re open to new ideas You’re attempting to find common ground You’re not threatened by ideas that contradict your own and don’t take it personally #3 - You are listening to me when… You realize the hour I took from you has left you a bit tired and a bit drained. Listening can be a marathon because we’re feeling along with that person We’re experiencing not just words, but also the emotion of the speaker Empathy can be draining! If you’re tired, you did a good job of really listening This is different than being emotionally abused or attacked through blame, shame or judgment or “whatever thing” #4 - You are listening to me when… You allow me the dignity of making my own decisions, even though you think they may be wrong. Dignity - the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect; a sense of pride in oneself; self-respect. A listener does not allow dignity, they honor it, they recognize it A listener understands and accepts they do not control someone else, including the thoughts and feelings of the person speaking Understanding versus control is key in listening Trusting the other person is able to make their own choices and live with the consequences of those choices #5 - You are listening to me when… You do not take my problem from me but allow me to deal with it in my own way. Same as the last one. Trusting the other person to do the right thing. Allowing the other person to make mistakes and learn from it. Letting go of control. #6 - You are listening to me when… You hold back the desire to give me good advice. Unless asked. Listening to the experience and emotion of someone is not the same as solving their problem As we mentioned in the last episode about parents jumping to solve problems. You have to be able to tolerate and hold the experiences of the other person At the heart of therapy, joining with someone, holding it and allowing them to work their way up the polyvagal ladder with you also being a safe person But you don’t have to be a therapist to hold space for another person #7 - You are listening to me when… You do not offer me religious solace when I am not ready for it. Or don’t want it Human connection needs to happen first, imo Connect with the person right in front of you, then the religious aspects can come into play This goes back to your needs vs. their needs If you are giving support to another person, then you are actively choosing to focus on their needs, not yours #8 - You are listening to me when… You give me enough room to discover for myself what is really going on. This is part of the whole ‘not controlling’ part of listening It involves trust Someone is able to work their way up the ladder and make their own discoveries Their thoughts will naturally change along the way, realizations will be made This can be difficult to do, especially if you really care for the other person #9 - You are listening to me when… You accept my gratitude by telling me how good it makes you feel to know that you have been helpful. To build on last week’s. Saying “you’re welcome” is great, but this is the next level. SUPER FAN EMAIL Morning Justin & Mercedes, I just wanted to drop in and say thank you for your fantastic podcast - it's been instrumental in the last few weeks since I've found you in changing how I parent my kids and interact with my partner. It's also lead me down the road of somatic healing and breathwork and I'm trying to learn more about these things. I started listening to you guys to learn how to help my 9 yo, ocd daughter move from flight to safe and social, specifically in school drop-offs, and have learnt so much more and I have so much more compassion for her struggle when she drops down the ladder. I live in South Africa and while $5 might not be a lot of money (or it might I have no idea what $5 can buy) in my own currency it's 14 times more as my country's economy sucks. I really believe in what the two of you are doing and am trying to spread the polyvagal gospel wherever I go and this way I can make a concrete contribution to this. Hope you have a lovely day and thank you again for the valuable role you play in my life and the lives of my kids and husband (who doesn't get polyvagal theory but seems to get that I'm trying harder to move up my ladder and help the kids move up theirs). Cheers - or as we say in my language of Afrikaans - “Totsiens” (which means till we see each other again), Sophie Intro/Outro music & Transition Sounds by Benjo Beats - https://soundcloud.com/benjobeats

Jill Miller! The perfect person to help me understand the connection between yoga and Polyvagal Theory! Links to resources, including her personal yoga brand equipment and books are at the bottom. Links to Amazon, where I get a portion of the sale at no extra cost to you. PART 1 OF THE PODCAST SHOW NOTES: Some of yoga practices are extremely uplifting and energizing and others are literally putting you into safe shutdown. The corpse pose Your body lies in perfect stillness… utter and complete stillness and your body replicates that of a corpse and you're deliberately attempting to slow down your metabolic processes… it’s lauded for its restorational, regenerational aspects, in that it should replicate the experience of sleep, though its lucid sleep. Making stillness in yoga safe When I have people who have stress-induced relaxation… I will [give them other] options. They can roll onto their side in the fetal position, which is a much more protected position and be supported - have their neck supported, have their waist supported, have [bolsters and blankets]... laying face down (crocodile pose) so your genitals, your viscera, your face are not exposed to the unknown of a strange teacher… self massage work or work done previously done in the class… or opting out. It’s totally a free will thing… There are choices. Cues of safety are critical… veering toward invitational and less commandful. Body blind spots: Overuse, underuse, misuse, abuse or confuse (confusion) Develop more acuity, proprioception and interoception Through using position, breath, mindset and novelty 4 part breath wave: inhale, suspension/breath hold, exhale, vacation Breath is so important. Most yoga formats place a heavy emphasis on breathing and breathing mechanics… breathing directly changes autonomic state… when you start manipulating breathing, it can make you feel very… queasy, dizzy…, but that discomfort eventually can be titrated. "We all have our home base with our breath… we tend to concentrate our breathing in one of three places:" subdiaphragmatic (dorsal zone), supradiaphragmatic (sympathetic zone) or supraclavicular zone (ventral zone). A sedating breath… is a breath where the exhale is longer than the inhale. An upregulating breath is where the inhale is longer than the exhale. If dorsal/upregulating - “amplify inhale and breath holds after inhalation and have shorter exhale with the pause after exhale be shorter than the sum total of inhale plus the breath hold.” If dorsal/upregulating - “employ movements that the person feels challenged by but comfortable and playful.” Sankalpa - ’a deep resolve… like, “I touch light” or “My motion is moving.” Sankalpa is a Sanskrit term in yogic philosophy that refers to a heartfelt desire, a solemn vow, an intention, or a resolve to do something. It is similar to the English concept of a resolution, except that it comes from even deeper within and tends to be an affirmation. https://www.yogapedia.com/definition/5751/sankalpa PART 2 OF THE PODCAST: Jill’s Merch - https://www.amazon.com/shop/justinlmft?listId=3EFKO87WPMGD9 :40 Yoga vs Yoga Therapy Yoga therapy is where... the clinical nerds gather to use the application of yoga to help people with different conditions in collaboration with other teams… We are not diagnosticians. We are there to give holistic support. 3:40 Finding a yoga therapist I would say some really noble, amazing work being done out there by the trauma-informed community, subset yoga. 5:10 Isolation & Yoga 7:25 Identifying safe yoga providers - recommends the Matthew Remski book - https://amzn.to/2QapcqO 8:30 Why/how does yoga work? It’s about polyvagal neural exercises - breath, chant, position, connection Depending on where you’re studying, you will be engaging all of your senses and you’re going to be probably breathing consistently in a patterned way for almost the entire class in a way that is down regulating. You’re going to be having a sympathetic tone to the muscles while ‘cooling the flames’ with this down regulating breath and potentially with chanting and with mental recitation of your sankalpa (intention). You'll be cycling through this concentration exercise as you go through different positions that will impact your musculature and physiology. By the end of the class, you will have climbed from dorsal to sympathetic and maintained this titration between dorsal and sympathetic and the occasional ventral exchange with a teacher or a partner exercise with somebody else… And in the end, you do this long held, safe relaxation pose… that feels like sleep and is deeply regenerative. And then you come up for a closure, which is an eye to eye… or eye to heart connection with those around you. 12:50 Going up and down the polyvagal ladder There might be parts of the class that are extremely upregulating and exhilarating and thrilling. After that would be met by a breath practice or a position that literally cools… I think in the nature of yoga practices you have these oppositional forces that you’re working with at all times. The wins for the students are that they are now sensing a connection between different parts of their body that were asleep before. Maybe felt lost in the dark and didn’t know there was a connection between their rib cage and their shoulder… or their pelvic floor and their feet. Or didn’t realize they were breathing more into their right lungs instead of their left lungs. 15:32 The Dr Porges Story! Check out the Coregous Ball for yourself here - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07VRXJ9BB/?cv_ct_id=amzn1.idea.3EFKO87WPMGD9&cv_ct_pg=storefront&cv_ct_wn=aip-storefront&ref=exp_cov_justinlmft_dp_vv_d 20:45 The connection between the facia and the ANS Facia = “seam system” that gives you your form and your shape, tissue that surrounds and supports every structure in your body Your facial tissue is the thing that interconnects everything. When you get a message you’re mobilizing your facial tissues. When you move, your facia moves with you… It is what allows for differential movement. You know your facia is problematic when is over stiffens and you can’t move well. I’m giving myself a facia facial. Let’s face it. What that [face] massage will do is it will trigger pressure reflexes that are gathering information... in that ventral vagal pathway and its deeply relaxing. So you can immediately have a state change and you can do this with your fingers at your desk. 25:10 Three different best places for massage Vagus Voyage video from Jill https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag3SQBFHKes&t= Face, neck, rib cage and chest 29:00 Tune Up balls and somatic healing Buy her yoga tune up balls for yourself! - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DJN1V48/?cv_ct_id=amzn1.idea.3EFKO87WPMGD9&cv_ct_pg=storefront&cv_ct_wn=aip-storefront&ref=exp_cov_justinlmft_dp_vv_d 31:30 How to start listening to your body The first thing is definitely the breath. Reclining, typically. And then watching the way your body breathes. The recline already gives me a physiological preset. As soon as I’m upright, I’m sympathetic… when you recline, there is no postural tension and the tension on your heart is gone. A second thing… is to have people become aware of their pulse… because you can really entrain yourself to watch that homeostatic interplay of respiration and heartbeat. 34:25 What is pranayama yoga? Pranayama - exercises that challenge your respiration thresholds. The Matthew Remski book she mentioned - Practice and All is Coming: Abuse, Cult Dynamics, And Healing In Yoga And Beyond - https://amzn.to/2QapcqO Jill’s book - The Roll Model: A Step-by-Step Guide to Erase Pain, Improve Mobility, and Live Better in Your Body - https://amzn.to/32MbyMf Vagus Voyage video from Jill - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag3SQBFHKes&t= Breath and Bliss Immersion November 8-10 Los Angeles - https://www.tuneupfitness.com/classes/breath-and-bliss-immersion-9 Roll Model Practitioner Training December 4, 5 London, UK - https://ytu.io/2LishB2 International Association of Yoga Therapists - https://www.iayt.org/ Website: www.tuneupfitness.com Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/TuneUpFitness Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yogatuneup YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/TuneUpFitness Pinterest - https://www.pinterest.com/tuneupfitness/

We already know that the environments we spend time in are filled with cues of danger and safety. The workplace is no different. But what about how our coworkers, the work culture and work hierarchies? Mercedes & I take a look at a couple new aspects to the workplace that might be affecting your place on the polyvagal ladder. Before jumping in… why? We spend so much time at work How this affects your nervous system, and subsequently the rest of your life, like your Stories and Relationship patterns Standard ones like in the school series: Sounds, proximity, lighting, temperature, cockroaches or rats? Things that will be a cue of danger and be more sympathetically charging. Also the people - the ones you work WITH. Do you work alone or in a team? Is it a culture of collaboration or competition? How about the people you work FOR? What's your story about your employer? Both the supervisor and the agency. Environment: Being greeted, being comfortable, feeling valued and like you are a part of the team Acknowledged, paid fairly, considered, supported The culture of the workplace Does your workplace value and promote co-regulation? Humor in various settings as a way to cope Is self care encouraged? Is it a culture of acceptance and warmth and support? Hierarchy? Toxic environment? Like gossip, complaints, talking trash about each other, cliques with co-workers. Intro/Outro music & Transition Sounds by Benjo Beats - https://soundcloud.com/benjobeats

The Polyvagal Ladder is a concept from Deb Dana . It's really a simply wonderful metaphor for how the autonomic nervous system is organized within each of us. I took that, added the three basic state and also the mixed states based from Dr Porges. PRIMARY STATES These are the three primary autonomic nervous system states. At the top of the ladder is the safe/social system, responsible for social engagement, connection, critical thinking, problem solving and use of the head and neck area. In the middle is the sympathetic flight/fight system, responsible for using the limbs for evasion or aggression. And at the bottom is the shutdown system, responsible for collapse, death feign, dissociation and numbness. MIXED STATES It's possible for these primary states to mix as well. Play = Safe/Social + Flight/Fight Freeze = Flight/Fight + Shutdown Stillness = Safe/Social + Shutdown Feel free to download the image and share. You can read more about "the polyvagal ladder," "story follows state," "glimmers" and more in Deb Dana's phenomenal book (links to Amazon where I get a portion of the sale at no extra cost to you). Also, make sure you listen to my interview with her !

You’ve probably noticed by now that I refer to the third defensive behavior set as “shutdown” and not “freeze.” Typically, the word “freeze” is used and was my default word as well ( episode 4 actually mixes the two up). Until I chatted with Dr Porges himself and he clarified that “freeze” and “shutdown” are distinct phenomena, though closely connected. There is this whole ambiguity because people use the word ‘freeze’ when they really mean ‘shutting down.’ The mouse in the jaws of a cat is not frozen, it’s just limp… The limp loss of muscle tone is a dorsal vagal response. Shutdown is collapsing or going limp. Freeze is stiffening. Freeze is the combination of sympathetic arousal plus shutdown. It’s flight/fight in combination with immobilization. There is an intense and rapid buildup of energy to run or fight, while at the same time the body is immobilizing or forced to immobilize. The sympathetic energy ends up getting locked into the nervous system. This is one of the two paths to trauma. When functioning defensively as a fight/flight machine, humans and other mammals need to move. If we are... placed in isolation or restrained, our nervous system… wants to immobilize. (Porges, Pocket Guide 67). The body will immobilize with a neuroception of life threat. This can be through external physical force or the internal perception that the body is going to die. I’d prefer not to go into specific examples of this, but sexual assault is an obvious category. Before someone is sexually assaulted, they instinctively want to run away, but are unable to do so for various reasons. They also aren’t able to fight back. They could possibly drop down into a shutdown and actually go limp. But they may also be physically forced into immobilization with the sympathetic energy in their system. As a result, they enter the freeze state. People can also enter the freeze state in everyday scenarios, like being anesthetized while highly anxious (sympathetic flight energy) before surgery. When someone goes under in this state, they come out of their anesthesia with a sympathetic charge. They wake up in a fit, screaming or flailing. This is something my wife would witness firsthand during her time as a nurse in a surgical room. Panic is probably the most common experience of freeze. When we panic, we are highly charged, fearful, activated and alert. Yet we’re also stiff, frozen in place and unable to move. We aren’t completely gone, we’re present enough to experience the discomfort. Panic might lead to being catatonic (full freeze) and not cognitively available. Example: Melody enters her therapy session at a high level of sympathetic arousal, wanting to fight a group of peers she perceives as being a threat to her. She is not able to run, since they know what school she attends. Melody is convinced they might be waiting for her after school. She is also not able to fight them, since they are not present. Being outnumbered and surprised also leaves her without a clear target or possibility of winning the fight. In session, she ruminates on the thoughts, going deeper and deeper into her sympathetic arousal without the possibility of getting to safety. The therapist attempts numerous interventions, including walking outside, deep breathing and reality testing, as well as discussing safety planning. All these interventions overwhelm her further in combination with the therapist’s desperation and frustration, which sends her cues of disconnection. Her nervous system attempts to shut down, while she is sympathetically charged, resulting in panic, sending further internal danger cues and thoughts that spiral out of control. Finally, she enters a catatonic freeze, her entire body contorting and freezing in place, which lasts for a few minutes. People also experience some version of freeze when it comes to phobias. They are highly sympathetically charged, yet neurocept that their life is in danger. I often have trouble when it comes to heights and don’t really know why. But my body neurocepts life threat when I’m up high. There is a bridge that arches at a drastically high angle on the way to San Francisco, in the Walnut Creek area of California. This bridge is my worst nightmare. In my head, I know I am safe - my car is in good shape, I can drive just fine and the bridge won’t collapse. Yet when I am on that bridge, my body gets highly charged with an increased heart rate, rapid and very shallow breathing, muscles tensing, rapid speech and an inability to ground myself despite my best efforts. Story follows state, so I imagine that the car is going to die in the middle of the bridge and cause people behind me to crash into me and each other. While this is going on, since I am unable to escape the situation, my body begins to shut down. I go numb, the blood exits my face, blood decreases to my brain which results in a noticeable dissociation. I make it over the hump and can see the Earth, but only after talking out loud and basically narrating everything that is happening while forcing myself to keep breathing regularly. The freeze immediately resolves itself after I get to the ground again. The trailer for "Life Overtakes Me" from Netflix is heart-wrenching, but a great example of extreme shutdown. And also a short documentary that is very much worth watching. People fainting on a rollercoaster is another example of shutdown. Unlike the trailer above, these individuals in shutdown come out of it soon after. Some go right back into it though. This video of goats shows the tense rigidity of the freeze response. Notice they are sympathetically charged when they freeze. They're either running and/or being actively scared by some mean humans. I do not condone the human behavior at all! And that's the difference between shutdown and freeze. Hope that clears it up. For more on the freeze state in particular, I highly recommend the work of Peter Levine. His books are easy to understand and he spends a lot of time on the freeze state. In An Unspoken Voice is phenomenal for a deep understanding and Healing Trauma is the go to for, well, healing trauma.

I don't think so. At least, not that I can pinpoint. Peter Levine does some damn near miraculous work by my account. He's able to assist his clients with discharging their freeze energy in what seems like a rapid fashion. I don't know how applicable that is to anyone besides Peter Levine. But here's my thoughts on what might affect someone's timeline: Context Matters One factor in considering this question is the context of treatment. I work in a school setting. The likelihood of a teen I'm working with going through the freeze energy discharge process - in school - is going to be lower than an outpatient or private private practice setting, I would assume. However, the kids I work with are doing this . I've seen a few times now the energy discharge that Levine describes and has in his videos. So it's very much possible. It's not every client. And it's not in the first session. But we have to acknowledge that going through a huge energy release like that, while surrounded by the danger cues of school; and having to return to class right after, is going to impact that individual's timeline. So consider your context of treatment or just in your individual life. Readiness for Change Matters Another factor is the client's readiness for change. And of course this applies to any modality or goal. But if someone is deeply entrenched in their defensive state, they might want help but not actually be ready for that type of help. I'm not blaming the client here, it's simply the truth, especially if they're just starting out. When someone first comes in, all of this is potentially very new. So the understanding of the process isn't there. The normalization of the process isn't there. Getting reacquainted with their bodies below their neck may not be there. So the issue isn't if the client wants change. The issue is being ready for it. And that energy discharge stuff is no joke. If you don't know what's happening, it can feel like a panic or anxiety attack and be filled with fear. If you know what's up, you'll be better equipped to handle it when it comes. Fundamental Needs Matter And this is a major one. If you don't have your basic needs being taken care of, your timeline might be a lot longer. Specifically, I'm talking about environmental safety. And more specifically, I'm talking about within your home. Our homes need to be actually safe, with safe individuals that reside within it. I work with teens, so that means their parents/caretakers. If I have parents who are invested in their children's safety and well-being, things become a lot easier. Change happens faster and is more consistent. If I don't have that, which I usually don't, things take longer. Because my client is going from the safety of our session, to the relative safety of the school environment, but then ends up in a home that is filled with danger cues: anger, betrayal, blame, judgment, yelling, grudges and more. Building Resiliency One goal then becomes to build resiliency. To increase the strength of the social engagement system (the "vagal brake"), which will keep the defensive responses more in our conscious control. We build this through co-regulation within the therapy session. All those fundamental therapy skills are hugely important here: normalizing, validation, unconditional positive regard, non-judgment, empathy and compassion and all the rest. You get the idea. Building therapeutic rapport and relationship is absolutely instrumental in the process of building the strength of the social engagement system. Through this, you'll notice things like spontaneous increased eye contact, the color returning to their face, laughter, smiles and eye crinkles. These things simply return on their own as the social engagement system comes back online. And the more it does, the more strength builds in it. And as I say in the video above, life just becomes easier. Dealing with typical triggers becomes easier. The flight/fight energy isn't as intense. This doesn't fix the problems at home, but it makes like a little more manageable and provides more hope. A Little at a Time Levine describes the process of "titration" in his books . Of doing a little bit at a time. When discharging the freeze energy, it doesn't need to be done all at once. We can do so a little at a time. This can be done in therapy by holding onto those painful feelings in small bursts. Not all at once, just as a client is ready. In doing so, it's important to notice the bodily sensations of the defensive energy. When it becomes too much, it's okay to stop and tap into a safety resource. Then come back to the stuck energy and back again to the safety ("pendulation"). This can also be done outside of therapy, pretty much anywhere. But it's more about noticing what brings you joy or calm or peace. I know, these things might be rare or nonexistent. But it's possible. The task then is to notice what happens within you throughout the day. Feelings of being pushed or pulled away from something represent possibly an unsafe trigger for your system. But a feeling of being pulled toward something might be a cue of safety and a safe way to mindfully release some energy. All those bottom up techniques might be great for this: art, dance, yoga, breathwork, theater, writing. It can even be small things like cleaning or organizing. As we do these things, even the small ones, it's imperative that we're mindful of the experience. Really notice what it's like to do these things. How they affect your breathing. What your muscles are feeling. What's happening in your fingertips, in your temperature and even what pops into your mind. These are opportunities to release bits of energy, but also to orient to the environment and feel the safety of it. And also to learn about yourself. Become curious, experiment a little too. How does it feel to change your breathing? Or to paint in a different way? THE TIMELINE VARIES As you can see, the timeline is going to look a lot different for every person. I'm finding in my client work that the moment of big energy release may happen eventually, but after there is a solid therapeutic rapport. And after the client has had some re-acquaintance with their bodies. And this has been with clients who don't have the safety at home. But they've built the resilience necessary to get to the energy release. This doesn't mean their problems are all solved and there's no residual energy left in there. And it doesn't mean the sympathetic energy doesn't build back up, since they're returning to the same environment. But it does seem as though the energy that got stuck from the trauma(s) does discharge noticeably and make their day to day lives more manageable.

DO NOT read further than this if you are not ready to . I'm going to share my thoughts on a very controversial idea (seriously, stop reading now). Again, stop reading if this is an idea you're not ready or willing to explore . Last chance. Or take a break and come back later. The blog article continues after the image. The uncomfortable, but empathetic truth is that your parents did their best. I posted this idea to my Instagram, which resulted in an explosion of comments, reposts, anti-posts, demands, anger, agreement, bookmarks, replies, a couple emails and DMs as well. I was personally attacked and personally supported. There were emotional responses (mostly against it or me), but also very measured responses. People agreed but didn't like my approach, my wording, how authoritative it sounded and on and on. And even a couple of measured responses of those that understood and simply disagreed with the premise and led to interesting discussion. I ended up archiving it on my Instagram, simply due to not being sure how I wanted to handle content that was potentially as triggering as this one. I think it's an idea worth delving further into and my blog seems like the best avenue. These are the important components of the substance of the idea: the #stucknotbroken paradigm behavioral adaptations how they were raised precontemplation stage of change lack of safety & co-regulation the vagal brake story follows state other components of change an uncomfortable truth an empathetic truth BUT FIRST To address a few concerns that came up: Am I trying to tell you to forgive? No. (I actually posted "You don't have to forgive" on Instagram on 12/3/19.) Am I telling you what is necessary for your own healing? Not at all. Am I telling you how to feel? Of course not. Am I telling you what to think? Nope. You can reject this. Am I excusing the parents' behavior? Not even a little bit. Am I minimizing the experience of the trauma survivor? On my end, I don't think so. Definitely not my intention or mindset in the least. In fact, people in the comments and my clients have found this idea to be expansive, more encompassing or even a part of their healing. So no, I don't think this is minimizing. Do I tell this to clients? No, it's a conclusion they come to when they are ready. That may not sit well with you, but it's true. And again, in the comments, this claim was echoed repeatedly. I believe this holds true not just for parents, but for all of us. I believe we all do "our best." This blog focuses just on the parents. And I believe it applies to all parenting situations. Some commenters had an issue with me calling it a "truth." Some didn't and agreed on the wording. But the fact is - truths do exist . Saying, "nothing is absolute" is an absolute statement . It's self-defeating and proves the fact that absolutes/truths do exist. "Everything is subjective" is an objective statement and self-defeating. As I wrote this blog, I kept in mind the worst and most evil situations I could imagine. On an emotional level, I wanted to agree that these parents were not doing their best. That they were simply choosing to be evil or were evil by nature. But I kept coming back to the fundamental pieces of what makes it someone's "best." So on an intellectual level, there's some disagreement with my emotions. It helped me to continue to return to the logical aspects of this. This is the discussion of an idea/truth, not of how to feel about it nor on what to do with it . You'll feel how you feel. And you'll do with it what you choose. So you could very well agree with what I am laying out and not emotionally accept it. That's totally fine. It makes logical sense, but I'm mad as hell and am not letting go of that. I have no problem with this kind of statement. Do you. And you can disagree with the premise itself. I'd be curious your rationale. THE #STUCKNOTBROKEN PARADIGM You must know by now that I think trauma survivors are #stucknotbroken. Not ill. Not defective. Very much normal like anyone else. But after surviving trauma(s), our autonomic nervous system can get stuck in a defensive state: flight/fight sympathetic arousal, shutdown or freeze. The same could happen to literally any of us. The Polyvagal Theory lays this out beautifully. I like the word "stuck" here in particular. Because if we're stuck, that means that we have momentum to move forward. As if you're walking along when allofasudden a wall drops in front of you. The walking along is the momentum of life. A natural, instinctive drive toward healthy development, healthy attachment, safety, happiness. The wall representing trauma. Something that slams down in front of you to stop the progression forward. But the momentum is still there . The natural, instinctive drive to find safety is still there. I'm imaging someone running into the wall repeatedly, maybe searching with frustration for a way around it or using a weapon against it, to no avail. Point is - the momentum is there. The progression of life is stopped or slowed in many ways, but the momentum to move forward is still there. I highly recommend Peter Levine when it comes to getting unstuck from trauma, his books and others I recommend can be found in my Recommended Reading page ( In An Unspoken Voice is my favorite for learning. Healing Trauma is great for self healing trauma). BEHAVIORAL ADAPTATIONS But just because the internal, natural momentum is there, doesn't mean the individual actually utilizes it, despite their best efforts. The wall isn't just the traumatic event(s). It's really the aftermath of the event(s). Long after the traumatic event(s) have ended, the memory persists - in the brain and the body. The memory in the body lives on as a dysregulated autonomic nervous system, one the survivor feels intensely as anxiety, panic, anger, rage, overwhelm, numbness, dissociation or depression. And in an effort to self-regulate, the individual may make adaptations to their behavior : addictions, self-harm and even harm to others, among many many other possibilities. So the first piece to understand is that the parents I'm referring to that did "their best" are probably survivors of trauma themselves . And they are stuck in their own defensive state and have made an adaptation in their behavior as a result to being in that state. That adaptation to their behavior could be many many things, including abuse/neglect to their own children. This doesn't make it okay. These adaptations can hang around for a long, long time. Even one's entire life. Think of the smoker that doesn't quit despite all evidence suggesting that they should. But the smoking is their adaptation to whatever they've got going on inside (not necessarily from trauma). Smoking, to this person, "works" or isn't a problem. They are not even to the point of thinking that their behavior adaptation is a problem. HOW THEY WERE RAISED It's easy to demonize parents (and perhaps they deserve this demonization) as if they are simply making a choice to harm their children. But this ignores the trauma of the parent . It ignores that parent has their own internal turmoil going on. Their own stuck freeze energy, felt as rage, panic or overwhelm. Or their own flight/fight energy, felt as intense anger, worry, anxiety. Or their own shutdown lack of energy, experienced as depression, numbness, isolation and disconnect. Combine this intense stuck energy (from their own trauma(s)) with the options they were taught on how to handle it . How many of these parents were explicitly taught or shown through modeling how to handle their feelings? To recognize their feelings? To express them? Did they have safe people to express their feelings to? Or were they taught/modeled to express these feelings by lashing out in anger? By controlling and bending others to their will? Or to recede into themselves and hide? Every parent I've ever worked with can identify in themselves where their parenting choices come from. They can see the multi-generational passing on of abuse. And the teens I work with can see the way they are being parented stems directly from the way their grandparents raised their parents. This component is nothing new or revolutionary. We all know that the way we were raised has a direct impact on the way we raise our own kids. If we don't parent mindfully, nothing changes from one generation to the next . PRECONTEMPLATION STAGE OF CHANGE The Transtheoretical Model of change has "precontemplation" right at the beginning. In this stage of change, the individual is basically unaware that there is a problem . They aren't even to the point of being able to think about making a change, because they don't see an issue. Just like the smoker I mentioned above. Or the alcoholic CEO that hasn't yet experienced the negative consequences of alcoholism. Or the abusive parent that isn't reported to CPS, while also feeling powerful and in control through their abusive behavior. I bring up these negative consequences because these are often what needs to happen for someone to begin to think about making a change. ER visits, seeing their children suffering, a spouse leaving them, developing medical issues. These natural, negative consequences can be valuable to someone that is able to learn from them. They can be valuable to someone that is able to take in and hold the pain of others and use it as motivation for change. They can be valuable to someone that cares about themselves enough to notice their own internal pain, hold it, and use it for motivation to change. I don't think negative consequences are the only path to getting out of precontemplation, but they're often the catalyst. The show Intervention is a good example of this. Part of the actual intervention is confronting the addicted person and laying out the natural consequences of continuing to choose the substance over their loved ones. The parents we are discussing here - do they have the capacity to learn from negative consequences? Were they confronted with negative consequences? Was anyone holding them accountable for their choices to harm their children? No, I don't think the children have that responsibility. There is another piece to coming out of precontemplation which I will discuss in the next section - safety and co-regulation. One of the rebuttals to my claim was that parents "know better" or knew of different options for how to parent. Or were told/informed that what they were doing was wrong. And I agree, I think these parents may actually know better. But that's got nothing to do with their willingness or ability to make change . Just because they may know of other parenting options, doesn't mean they're actually in the stage of thinking about using those or seeking out more information. That would be the "contemplation" and "action" stages of change. One can be in the precontemplation stage of change for a long, long time. Denial keeps us there, lack of consequences keeps us there, finding/using behavioral adaptations keeps us there, avoiding problems or numbing our minds with entertainment keeps us in precontemplation. But so does a lack of co-regulation. SAFETY & CO-REGULATION There is another piece to coming out of precontemplation. And that is co-regulation from safe others. It's a lot easier to make change when you have support . When you have encouragement, positivity and love. Think of Intervention again. The loved ones doing the intervention read from a letter they've written for the addicted person. The letter sets firm boundaries and expectations, but also comes from a place of deep, deep love and hope. The two go together. The parents we're discussing here who "did their best" - did they have co-regulation from safe others? Were others holding them accountable while also giving them their love? Were others giving them their hope and positivity? Did they have anyone in their life like this? No, I don't think it is the responsibility of the children to do so. Through co-regulation, we can climb the polyvagal ladder and get back into our safe and social state. Once there, we can reflect on our behaviors, our choices and set the intention to make better choices. Because we can empathize with the people we've harmed now. We aren't able to do so unless we're in our safe and social state. If we have enough access to our safe and social autonomic state (the ventral vagal circuitry), we can make new plans. We feel motivated to make change, to right our wrongs, to apologize and keep our loved ones safe. But we have to have a co-regulator or our own ability to tolerate distress and climb our own polyvagal ladder. A co-regulator is someone that provides cues of safety: listening, caring, warmth, gentle eye contact, smiles and a general sense of safety. When we are around these people, we are able to access the circuitry of safety. Once there, abuse stops. You can't be abusive while also in your safe and social state. It just doesn't happen. I don't even think you need to be 100% in that state; maybe just enough to hold onto your problem solving ability and your values to ground your decisions. The parents I'm talking about when I say "did their best" don't have access to their safe and social state. They are fundamentally incapable of acting from anything but their evolutionary defensive states. They do not have a co-regulator to help them be compassionate, empathetic or kind to their children. They may not even have a safe environment in which to climb their polyvagal ladder either. For a parent to not be abusive, they need to have access to their ventral vagal autonomic state of safety, connection, empathy and compassion. They need to be able to self-regulate or accept the co-regulation from a safe other. THE VAGAL BRAKE Now, one may say that their parent was very "bipolar." That they were safe sometimes, but dangerous otherwise. This sounds like an issue of the vagal brake, or the window of tolerance, or distress tolerance; whatever you want to call it. The capacity to tolerate moving down the ladder and self-regulating back up . A parent with a strong vagal brake can do so. A parent with a weaker vagal brake is going to have a harder time. A parent with virtually no vagal brake is basically never in their safe and social state. They are always in a defensive state. Without a strong enough vagal brake, the heart rate increases significantly, breathing gets more shallow - the body is primed for danger. The body is ready to run away or to fight. Thoughts follow and become more fear-based, more anxious or aggressive. So the parent who is able to access their safe and social state may not be able to hold it, due to many factors, some listed in this blog. Their drop into sympathetic flight/fight energy seems instantaneous. Once they neurocept danger, they are ready to run or fight. The neuroception of danger probably will come from something that is not actually dangerous. Not an actual threat to their safety. Like a child saying "no." A fairly typical, benign thing that kids do. Parents with a strong enough vagal brake will roll with it and get creative. Parents with a weaker vagal brake may become more controlling. Louder. Aggressive. (Their reaction to the their defensive state is extremely dependent on their own upbringing, what was taught and what was modeled for them.) Being in a state of safety doesn't just mean the parent was fun. It doesn't just mean the parent was exciting. It doesn't just mean they expressed their love. A parent who was in a state of safety - and able to hold it - would be gentle, approachable, exciting, playful, encouraging, soothing, positive, empathetic, compassionate and more. Not all the time; I don't think that's possible and seems an unrealistic expectation for parents. This "safe parent" would predictably be approachable . That's different than the parent who was more erratic and unapproachable. The one who is fine one moment, then the opposite at the drop of a hat. The safe parent is predictable. Their emotions are not seemingly random or "0-60." The parents who I am speaking about that "did their best" - did they have a strong enough vagal brake? Even if they knew better. Even if they had support. Did they have the vagal brake development to tolerate their own distress? STORY FOLLOW STATE The thoughts in our head match our autonomic state . "Story follows state" as Deb Dana says so perfectly . If we're in a safe and social state, our thoughts match. We see hope. Possibility. Goodness in others. We have loving thoughts about our kids. We empathize with them. The parents I'm referring to, that "did their best," are probably not having these types of thoughts. They're in a severe stuck defensive state, so their thoughts match. There is simply no room to have the types of thoughts necessary to make a change in their behavior, not while they are in that defensive state. Even if they learn new information. They may have just as easily dismissed it as nonsense. They knew best. They were "raised a certain way and they turned out fine." The new stories - of improved parenting skills, of how their children are being affected, of the possible consequences of their actions - these stories had no place in their state. These stories don't register with someone who is in a defensive state and has a compromised vagal brake. If anything, their autonomic stories probably reinforced their state - "You deserved it," "I wouldn't have to hit you if you would just listen" and so on. These stories are reinforcing. And that makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint. If you're in a flight/fight mode, thoughts need to be concise, concrete and decisive. If not; if you have to pause and reflect, you risk exposing yourself to the danger that is chasing you. No, this doesn't mean the thoughts are accurate. No, this doesn't mean the child is actually at fault. For the parents I'm discussing - were they able to take on new information? Did their autonomic state allow the mental space for new information? For self reflection? For understanding the pain they were inflicting? THE BIGGER PICTURE So we've got parents that have made behavioral adaptations to their stuck defensive state. Most likely from their own trauma which is still living inside of them. Which also leads to a compromised vagal brake. They may not have received appropriate modeling or teaching from their own parents (probably a multi-generational problem). Their thoughts match their state and don't have the space for self-reflection to make change. They don't have safe relationships with co-regulation and possibly not even a safe environment. All of these pieces result in this parent being stuck in the precontemplation stage of change. They aren't aware of a problem. And their thoughts are preoccupied with the faults of other people, what others need to change, who's guilty of what and what needs of their own are not being met (and so on). Or maybe they're even in the contemplation stage of change, but missing the other pieces required to take action and to maintain that change. Considering all of these pieces - is this parent capable of doing better if nothing else changes? No, it's not the child's responsibility to improve their parents' lives. Yes, we still hold parents accountable for their choices. No, this does not excuse a parents' behavior. OTHER COMPONENTS OF CHANGE Like I said earlier, making a change isn't simply about knowing more. There's a lot more that goes into making a change. A lot. We briefly covered being in a safe environment, having a co-regulator, self-regulation, thoughts of change and empathy/compassion. But here are some other components of change: feeling as if change is possible thinking one deserves change ( Thanks to Irene Lyon for this one) being confident in one's ability to hold onto change being able to tolerate the vulnerability of change the ability to set a clear goal and plan for change the ability to make incremental steps toward change the ability to sustain the changes one is making the ability to problem solve when things go wrong the ability to tolerate distress and frustration when things go wrong motivation and on and on... With the parents we're talking about... were they able to do these things listed above? I highly highly doubt it. If so, they wouldn't be in a stuck defensive state. And they wouldn't be abusing or neglecting their children. ARE THEY DOING THEIR BEST? So I ask you - Is this parent capable of doing better? In my estimation, no. They're not. In these conditions, they're just not. Are they doing their best? Yeah. They are. And it sucks probably. These parents are going to look a lot of different ways - neglectful, abusive, minimizing, invalidating. Some downright evil. When I say "their best" I'm not saying it's good in the least . I can see the issue here being with the words "their best." Because doing one's best implies that person wants to do better. That they are making an effort. And I know, with the parents we're talking about, that's probably not the case. There is no visible effort, therefore, they can't be doing their best. And that makes sense. But remember - if you buy into my paradigm of "stuck, not broken," this necessarily implies that the momentum to do better is there . Though unconscious and trapped behind a wall (or two or three or more), it's there. In my opinion, even with the worst of people. I recommend watching the second episode of Larry Charles' "Dangerous World of Comedy" on Netflix. There's a very brutal/touching example of a warlord/mass murderer/human sacrificer who makes a huge change, stops his killing and turns to being a minister (if I am remembering correctly). Point being - even if the conscious choice to do better isn't possible, I believe the energy to do so is still there. So in that viewpoint, yes, they're doing their best. They just can't access their will or their latent ability to do better. Maybe even at all. But we have to assume the best of people. We have to assume that people have goodness within them, even if they can't access it. That's if you are with me on "stuck not broken." If not, then you don't have to assume people have good within them. Or that they are stuck and can do better. Your parents, without this belief, are indeed evil and that's all there is to it. If you're a therapist and don't believe people have good within them, I'd be very curious to see how you reconcile that with our basic tenet of "unconditional positive regard." No, this doesn't mean we have to accept their behavior. Yes, they should still be held accountable for their choices. No, you do not have to forgive. No, you do not have to sacrifice your own boundaries or safety. Yes, we can assume there is good in someone while also keeping them at a distance if necessary. Now if a parent is capable of doing all of the things from my non-exhaustive list here in this blog and they still choose to abuse , then no, they're not doing their best. I have yet to work with a parent that fits that bill. I have yet to work with a child who has one of those parents. I can't even fathom of a parent (or anyone for that matter) who harms others while also in their ventral vagal, safe and social state. That's like saying a square can be a circle or a bachelor can be married. AN UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH I know this is uncomfortable to say the least. To think that parents who are downright acting evil are "doing their best." When I say this phrase, it's referring to their potential to do better. If they cannot do better, then by definition, they're doing their best. This is the logical aspect that makes sense, but doesn't emotionally sit well at all. I get that. And I am not attempting to change your feelings. Those are yours. You hold onto those. They are there for a reason. Be as angry or pained as you need to be. It's justified. It's valid. The trick is to hold onto and honor your feelings, while also considering new information. Something can be logically true while emotionally uncomfortable. We can also have empathy for others, while not accepting their behavior. AN EMPATHETIC TRUTH Empathy comes once we are in our safe and social state. Not in a defensive state. If you're in flight/fight, you're not going to have empathy. Nor in shutdown or freeze. Empathy is strictly from access to the safe and social state. In my work with clients who are currently in these homes , they come to this empathetic truth once they are in their safe and social state. Sorry, but it's true. After I've provided lots of co-regulation through the process of therapy, after they've done some somatic holding and cognitive processing, they're able to climb into their safe and social state. Once there, they reflect on their life, including their parents. And they may realize - independently - that their parents are not currently capable of meeting the need that is being discussed. They will often say that they recognize their parents are doing their best (and that it might suck) and that their parents' behavior is out of their control. They also recognize the multi-generational piece of the trauma, being passed on. This is part of why I say this is an "empathetic truth." Because to look at the multi-generational piece requires empathy. Dismissing this piece out of anger is simply not empathy. And the anger may be well justified. I am not trying to take anyone's anger from them. Or tell them how to feel. It's difficult to look at the generational piece and use our empathy. Our thoughts quickly go to, Well then they should know better! And I don't disagree. But the reality is they may not know better or are missing all the other pieces of change I laid out. Remember also, that empathy is not a feeling. It's a tool that is available when in safe and social. When we feel empathy, we take on the feelings of another. And those feelings might be unbearable. Too painful. Feeling the pain of your abuser, alongside your own pain is a lot to hold. That's part of why I suggest that this empathetic truth arrives when one is in their own safe and social state. Not before. When one is able to hold onto their own safety, they can then tap into their empathy and hold the pain of another, even their abusive parents'. No, this is not necessary for healing. No, you don't have to do this. No, you do not have to forgive. This line of thinking comes from a state of safety. Not before one gets to the top of their ladder. Only once they're at the top. Their story follows their state. And the story becomes more empathetic and compassionate. It's truly a beautiful thing to witness - to see these teens recognize the generational abuse that is being passed down, which their parents didn't ask for, but received. Just like them. And to also hear them say that it stops with them . That they won't be passing it on to their own children. FINAL THOUGHTS If you don't like my wording , fine. Saying "did their best" makes sense to me. It also implies some bit of positivity or hope - if they did their best, that's the literal past. The present moment is a new opportunity. Change may become more possible as their life changes. I also recognize these parents are still in peoples' lives as the child turns into an adult. These parents may not have changed, even for their child who is now an adult. But saying they did their best applies not only to decades ago, but also yesterday. And also this morning. And five minutes ago. As a kid, there's not a whole lot that can be done about it. As an adult, you probably have more options at hand. You can cognitively accept the limitations of your parent, honor your own feelings and experiences, then make a new choice. Create a new path for yourself. Is this even worth talking about? I think so. And many comments shared the same. This idea helped them in their own healing. It helped to release and to forgive. So as a tool or a new thought or a reframe, yes, I think it's worth talking about and putting out into the world. I know this doesn't click with everyone. It pisses people off. I get it. It's like I'm sharing a possible end result of the process of healing from trauma. And skipping over all the stuff in between. Or making it seem like the pain of the victim doesn't matter. Of course it matters. And by and large, I think I have a lot of other content that addresses the stuff in between. And more will come. This is really just a small piece. A possible end result. Or a possible tool for you. But why wouldn't I share the end result? Really, if this makes logical sense to you, but not emotionally, I'd recommend just tucking it away. This can be a barometer for where you are at in your process. As you do your own work, whatever that looks like, check in with this idea every now and then and see how you feel about it. Or if you don't like it, don't agree, it doesn't make sense to you or you just think I'm full of s**t - fine. Do you. What's the other option? To just not say it? There was a comment left that suggested that even though it was true, it didn't need to be said. That just doesn't sit well with me. This idea can be helpful, as many comments said. And one comment said they "needed this so much right now." So I understand this is a difficult, emotionally upsetting or "triggering" idea for some, which is why I moved it over to my personal blog and put a heavy content warning at the outset. But it can also be of help. It doesn't seem right to ignore this. Really, pretty much anything can be a trigger . So should we just stop saying all of these things? Or some of them? Which ones? What's the dividing line between what is helpful or triggering? And if something is triggering, well, what do we do with that? Much of what I write and talk about is trauma related. It can't all be cozy. I'd even suggest that maybe the majority of it is upsetting on some level. But to how many? And how much? What is "potentially harmful" and what is not? I honestly have no idea. But for now, I thought writing this out in my personal blog was the best option. And if I suspect that something is "too" triggering or "potentially harmful," I'll probably discuss it here and not in a one sentence image on Instagram. I read every single comment. I considered it all. I thought, reflected, worried, empathized and meditated on it all. I appreciate every single person that put their thoughts in the comments, even the ones that were a direct attack on me or a response out of anger to others in the comments. I found this to be my best option, but I know it won't work for everyone. There is zero chance of that happening.

TOPIC - GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER & THE PVT **Disclaimer: This information is NOT meant to diagnose. If you feel like you may be experiencing symptoms of anxiety, consult with a mental health or medical professional. We are speaking in generalities. Your specific situation, diagnosis, treatment and medication are entirely between you and your provider. Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance). Anxiety is general, doesn’t need to be about a specific thing, can be about future, present or the past Worry is about a specific future thing In sympathetic arousal, we have energy to survive “Excessive”: If there’s no direct threat to our safety, the energy lingers and then gets placed onto things that don’t require that energy When in safe/social, we simply don’t have out of control anxiety It’s tolerable, noticeable and signals something needs to change in a relationship or we may have to prepare for something like a test It’s accurate, it’s a message related to something Not an issue of actual bodily danger, but that system still kicks on The individual finds it difficult to control the worry. Difficult to ground the self Difficult to control the thoughts because it’s a state issue The anxiety and worry are associated with three (or more) of the following six symptoms (with at least some symptoms having been present for more days than not for the past 6 months): Note: Only one item required in children. Restlessness, feeling keyed up or on edge. Energy within you that needs to be discharged Our experiment with not laughing in presentations Being ‘on edge’ or ‘keyed up’ is the experience of being in a flight/fight state Being easily fatigued. You’re constantly on edge, keyed up, constantly tense and ready for danger Sounds pretty fatiguing to me Exhaustion is a common underlying emotion in therapy Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank. Ready for danger, scanning Hard to focus on one thing that is not dangerous Easy to focus on something and perceive it as dangerous Everything seems like a potential danger Everyone seems like a potential danger Little things become big problems Irritability. On edge, keyed up The experience of being ready to run But the inability to discharge the energy may actually result in dropping further down “Irritability” seems like a mild fight state to me Because you direct it outward Muscle tension. Ready to run On guard Don’t laugh, don’t seek eye contact or escape from a mild distress and see how you feel Or think of something that brings mild irritation like a sound or what someone does: chewing nails Sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless, unsatisfying sleep). Immobilizing is a cue of danger The neural platform is not for sleeping! The anxiety, worry, or physical symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Does flight sympathetic energy cause this? Natch. The disturbance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or another medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism). These things are not necessary for flight sympathetic arousal. The disturbance is not better explained by another medical disorder (e.g., anxiety or worry about having panic attacks in panic disorder, negative evaluation in social anxiety disorder [social phobia], contamination or other obsessions in obsessive-compulsive disorder, separation from attachment figures in separation anxiety disorder, reminders of traumatic events in posttraumatic stress disorder, gaining weight in anorexia nervosa, physical complaints in somatic symptom disorder, perceived appearance flaws in body dysmorphic disorder, having a serious illness in illness anxiety disorder, or the content of delusional beliefs in schizophrenia or delusional disorder) These things are not necessary for flight sympathetic arousal.

**Disclaimer: This information is NOT meant to diagnose. If you feel like you may be experiencing symptoms of bipolar disorder, consult with a mental health or medical professional. We are speaking in generalities. Your specific situation, diagnosis, treatment and medication are entirely between you and your provider. MANIA & MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODES Fluctuation between extreme highs and lows TOPIC - TYPES OF BIPOLAR DISORDER Bipolar I disorder is a manic-depressive disorder that can exist both with and without psychotic episodes Bipolar II disorder consists of depressive and manic episodes which alternate and are typically less severe and do not inhibit function Cyclothymic disorder is a cyclic disorder that causes brief episodes of hypomania and depression A manic episode is a period of at least one week when a person is very high spirited or irritable in an extreme way most of the day for most days, has more energy than usual and experiences at least three of the following, showing a change in behavior: Exaggerated self-esteem or grandiosity Sympathetic charge Story follows state Flight or fight energy? Dunno. Less need for sleep Sympathetically active Can’t fall asleep when in flight/fight Talking more than usual, talking loudly and quickly Loss of vocal prosody when in sympathetic Shorter breathing leads to faster rate of speaking Easily distracted Sympathetically active due to neuroception of danger Always scanning the environment Doing many activities at once, scheduling more events in a day than can be accomplished Sympathetic energy with no place to direct it Lack of mindfulness of the energy, not being in the moment Not feeling the root of the energy, just acting Probably a low tolerance to being in the moment Increased risky behavior (e.g., reckless driving, spending sprees) No direction for the energy Uncontrollable racing thoughts or quickly changing ideas or topics Anxious or aggressive thinking of the sympathetic state A hypomanic episode is similar to a manic episode (above) but the symptoms are less severe and need only last four days in a row. Hypomanic symptoms do not lead to the major problems that mania often causes and the person is still able to function. A major depressive episode is a period of two weeks in which a person has at least five of the following (including one of the first two): Intense sadness or despair; feeling helpless, hopeless or worthless Shutdown Empty, foggy, detached Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed Anhedonia, the life force energy is gone The sympathetic connection or motivation Feeling worthless or guilty Very much the feelings of being in a shutdown as well Sleep problems — sleeping too little or too much Too much is a shutdown thing Too little might be due to some sympathetic energy returning Or shutdown danger cues being too overwhelming? Feeling restless or agitated (e.g., pacing or hand-wringing), or slowed speech or movements Sympathetic or shutdown Undirected energy of sympathetic emerging Changes in appetite (increase or decrease) Coping skill of the emerging sympathetic energy? Appetite returning from shutdown? Decrease due to shutdown since feeling hunger less? Prepping for death Loss of energy, fatigue Prepping for death Difficulty concentrating, remembering making decisions Cognitive functions of shutdown are… shut. down. Frequent thoughts of death or suicide Preparing for death brings thoughts of death Emerging from freeze is also scary and might be related to suicide imo For another time BIGGER PICTURE OF THE PVT Uncontrolled return of sympathetic energy or maybe uncontrolled release of frozen energy ANNOUNCEMENTS - I’ve got an online therapy interest list now available Therapeer Content Event number 1 is now live! SUPER FAN SUBMISSION - “Thank you for your page. It’s like home.” -keeping anonymous Therapy Interest List - https://www.justinlmft.com/therapyinterestlist APA Bipolar Disorders - https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/bipolar-disorders/what-are-bipolar-disorders Intro/Outro music & Transition Sounds by Benjo Beats - https://soundcloud.com/benjobeats

**Disclaimer: This information is NOT meant to diagnose. If you feel like you may be experiencing symptoms of bipolar disorder, consult with a mental health or medical professional. We are speaking in generalities. Your specific situation, diagnosis, treatment and medication are entirely between you and your provider. PTSD & THE POLYVAGAL THEORY - First - PVT defines “trauma” as being in a stuck defensive state And now the DSM criteria - A. Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways: i. Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s). ii. Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others. iii. Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. In cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent or accidental. iv. Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse). Note: Criterion A4 does not apply to exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures, unless this exposure is work related. Part A1-3 is about the acute traumatic event. There are two paths to trauma according to PVT. This is one of the paths. So far this has covered the source of the PTSD Different than most dx since they cover sx and not sources of why, like bipolar disorder B. Presence of one (or more) of the following intrusion symptoms associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred: i. Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event(s). Note: In children older than 6 years, repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects of the traumatic event(s) are expressed. It’s not just the memory A reliving of the polyvagal state during the event freeze/panic energy flight/fight energy ii. Recurrent distressing dreams in which the content and/or affect of the dream are related to the traumatic event(s). Note: In children, there may be frightening dreams without recognizable content. Briefly - I think dreams are the stories of the state we are in during sleep, along with the days’ events and along with And I think our state changes during our sleep without our consciousness to block or subdue or minimize it So the past comes forward iii. Dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event(s) were recurring. (Such reactions may occur on a continuum, with the most extreme expression being a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings.) Note: In children, trauma-specific reenactment may occur in play. Severe triggering to the past or the past to the present Loss of executive functioning and being in the present moment What happens when we drop down the ladder into a defensive state iv. Intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s). Being triggered by stimuli that is often unpredictable Due to becoming hyper focused on the most salient aspect of the event, like a small detail We focus on what might help us to survive the next time So the scents or the textures of the event become imprinted in the survivor and then get triggered next time v. Marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s). Autonomic shifts in breathing, focus, perspiration, facial muscles usage C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s) , beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by one or both of the following: i. Avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s). ii. Avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders (people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s). These are where behavioral adaptations come in Doing these to avoid, adapting our behavior to deal with the defensive state Substance use, ticks, compulsions, self harm D. Negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following: i. Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) (typically due to dissociative amnesia, and not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs). Hyper focused on one aspect of the event Dissociate during the event, which evolved as an aid to survival ii. Persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted,” “The world is completely dangerous,” “My whole nervous system is permanently ruined”). Story follows state These negative, persistent or exaggerated beliefs about the self or others are a reflection of the survivor’s own autonomic state iii. Persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others. Story follows state Brain attempts to mase sense of the situation Blaming self, “I shouldn’t have” done this or that iv. Persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame). Sx of the polyvagal state Feelings stem from the state Reinforced by the thoughts and consequences of the bx acted on from the feelings v. Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities. Might be due to shutdown Might be due to avoiding triggers, like avoiding family vi. Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others. When in shutdown, people isolate Biological drive to hide and then emerge into safety vii. Persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings). Again. Due to stuck state. E. Marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following: i. Irritable behavior and angry outbursts (with little or no provocation), typically expressed as verbal or physical aggression toward people or objects. ii. Reckless or self-destructive behavior. iii. Hypervigilance. iv. Exaggerated startle response. v. Problems with concentration. vi. Sleep disturbance (e.g., difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless sleep). These are all stemming from sympathetic state But a few of these are in relation to the mixed freeze state Large outbursts, exaggerated responses, hypervigilance Weaker vagal brake F. Duration of the disturbance (Criteria B, C, D and E) is more than 1 month. Of the intrusions, persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the event(s), negative alterations in cognitions or mood, marked alterations in arousal and reactivity G. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. H. The disturbance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., medication, alcohol) or another medical condition. Specify whether: With dissociative symptoms: The individual’s symptoms meet the criteria for posttraumatic stress disorder, and in addition, in response to the stressor, the individual experiences persistent or recurrent symptoms of either of the following: Depersonalization feeling detached from your own body Derealization: surroundings don’t feel real Check off what you're learning through the Polyvagal Checklist download below. Join the Stucknaut Collective for free  and gain instant access to a course on trauma recovery, practical Polyvagal Theory resources, and exclusive downloadable tools to support your healing journey. SELFISH REQUEST/THANK YOU Screenshot and share Tag me so I can give you a big thank you MESSAGE FROM A SUPER FAN Hi, I am writing to say that the episode on Bipolar from Polyvagal theory perspective was really eye opening. One thing got me thinking. Apart from the fact that I could find myself in most of the descriptions of manic phase, I was really struck by the fact that when you are in shutdown your intellectual potential is less than optimal. I remember my son who struggles with reading and writing... since we started Work, my husband and me, got more regulation... And dedicated some time to connect with him... He's improved so much. Just wanted to share this realization and small success with You in appreciation of your Work. - Danijela DSM Criteria - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/box/part1_ch3.box16/ Intro/Outro music & Transition Sounds by Benjo Beats - https://soundcloud.com/benjobeats