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(This post contains affiliate links, meaning, if you click through and make a purchase or sign up for a program, I may earn a commission. This is at no additional cost to you.) Hi Justin, Love your podcast. I’m reading "On Killing," by Lt. Dave Grossman, and he contends there are 4 responses to stress (the fear elicited in combat) (p.7-“The Soldiers Options”).  They are: Fight, Flight, Posture (strut/flex/yell/demonstrate supremacy in some way that is scary but essentially harmless.  Like firing a gun into the sky, eye contact) and Submit (surrender) Interesting question. Here's my two cents and a caveat: I have not worked with soldiers and haven't even come close to experiencing anything they may have outside of working with youths in gangs. That being said... When we say "danger," we're talking about our autonomic nervous system's shifting into sympathetic arousal based on a neuroception of danger from the internal or external environment. With life threat, same thing, but we're shifting further down the ladder into a parasympathetic shut down in response to a neuroception of our lives being in danger, not just our safety. Lt. Dave Grossman would assumedly be referring to sympathetic arousal when he mentions "flight" and "fight," just like the polyvagal theory. But "posture" and "submit" are potentially different. POSTURE "Posture" is the fight response. The key here is that the fight response doesn't mean we are actually fighting. But we're in enough sympathetic arousal and the flight response is inadequate, so we drop down further the ladder into fight. The fight response could also be aggressive words, telling someone off or just physically showing a display of intimidation. Someone in a safe and social state doesn't act this way. Someone in a flight response doesn't act this way. The posturing is inherently aggressive from someone who is already existing in a sympathetic state and is showing fight behavior. Drive down the street of any inner city neighborhood and you'll see this everywhere. With clients that are coming out of their shut down response, they next go into sympathetic arousal. First fight then flight. When they go into the fight behaviors, it's oftentimes shown as aggression, wanting to tell someone off, wanting to put their parents into their place and use the force of words. They'll often fantasize about using violence too - images of hitting someone they don't like for whatever reason. But once they share these images and maybe even role play telling off their parent... the fight energy sort of dissipates (oftentimes through laughter). At least, it does in the safe environment of therapy. And once it does, the client moves into a flight response and their mind now wanders into what it might be like to escape from the situation altogether. What it will be like to move out of the home where their parent is abusive. And after they share an image of that (or make a plan on how to move out), they move into a safe & social connection with me, increasing their eye contact and smiles. Back to posture - If you've ever seen two people about to fight, they basically do what is being described in the "posture" behavior being discussed. They size each other up, square off, puff their chests out, flex their muscles, get in each other's faces, drop their voices to a deep monotone... all sympathetic arousal and all because the flight response isn't going to happen. It's using aggression to cause the other person to submit. SUBMIT Submitting sounds like a shut down response to me. I'm imagining someone tucking their head in and slinking off in defeat, cast away from the group and humiliated. This is different than someone who runs away to safety, burning off their sympathetic energy. Submit could also be someone that is already in a shut down state that doesn't muster the arousal necessary to fight or even posture to fight. But again, being in a shut down state doesn't necessarily mean the person is actually frozen in place or collapses. The person I described, becoming physically smaller and submitting, is using their parasympathetic shut down response. Their bodies are slowing down, their looking downward, they might be dissociating on some level. That person is probably feeling a deep deep pit right in their gut, which is where the shut down circuitry is. I could also see someone submitting out of respect for an authority figure. But that's not really an autonomic response, that's more of an admiration for a mentor. I suppose what would be important in this instance is if it comes from a place of fear and danger or not. Like a student, who isn't going to run from a principal, nor fight the principle, might "shut down" in front of the principle - hanging their head low, tucking their shoulders in, using little to no words and avoiding eye gaze. This is a shut down response which looks like submission. But it's not a separate autonomic nervous system pathway. These responses of flight, fight and freeze look different based on the situation and person. Think of these as categories of responses. Like shut down refers to actual collapse, or death feigning, but also includes fainting and dissociation or submitting. Those are my thoughts, at least. Thanks for the question! Justin

Throughout the podcast, I've been wondering about the tend & befriend state and am interested in how you would break down tend and befriend into flight or fight and shut down. Hi, thanks for the question. First, I'll break down what "tend" and "befriend" are. Then I'll look at how they correspond to the polyvagal theory. But before all that, I need to clarify what is meant by "state." "STATE" When we talk about "state" and the polyvagal theory, we're not talking about behaviors . We're talking about the actual physiological state of the autonomic nervous system. We can tell what state the nervous system is in by the behaviors the person is showing. But the behaviors aren't the state. They're evidence of the nervous system state. Example: two people getting into a fight are in a sympathetic state. The behaviors are punching and kicking, but the state is sympathetic arousal. We only have three autonomic nervous system states: social engagement (ventral vagal) flight/fight (sympathetic) freeze (dorsal vagal) "TEND" & "BEFRIEND" Basically, "...tend' refers to tending to your offspring and 'befriend' refers to seeking out social support during times of stress." ( BetterHelp ). Interestingly, "...the adaptive value of fighting or fleeing may be lower for females, who often have dependent young and so risk more in terms of reproductive success if injured or dislocated. And females of many species form tight, stable alliances, possibly reflecting an adaptive tendency to seek out friends for support in times of stress" (Pyschology Today) . Though the original paper itself says, "men’s social responses to stress are well documented" as well. What's being described here are general behaviors, not autonomic nervous system states . Just like flop, dissociation, collapse, death feigning or a catatonic stiffening are behaviors, but all of them use the freeze state circuitry of the ANS (dorsal vagal). APPLIED TO POLYVAGAL THEORY What autonomic nervous system state do tend and befriend utilize? When we're safe, we use the social engagement system (ventral vagal) to connect with others. We can also use this system to help others reach a neuroception of safety, which is called "co-regulation." We use the social engagement system to make eye contact, coo to a baby, sing lullabies and breastfeed. Sounds like "tend" to me. If we neurocept danger, we drop out of the social engagement system and into a sympathetic state. The primary behaviors of sympathetic arousal are flight, then fight, in that order. Flight uses the legs and fight uses the arms, basically. And we lose access to the social engagement behaviors. The tend and befriend theory focuses on "stress," which is a very general term. I'd say that "stress" is the emotional experience of a mild neuroception of danger. If we feel stress, then we seek out the support of others. This helps us to return to a feeling of safety and back into our social engagement system. Sounds like "befriend" to me. Even though this may be a mild stress, it is enough to trigger some level of the sympathetic state. We mobilize. That's what the sympathetic state is all about - mobilization. We mobilize to seek out support. In times of actual danger (or perceived), what system and what behaviors does a parent use? Obviously the sympathetic state. In particular, they'll use the flight response in order to scoop up their child and get to safety. And they'll use their fight response to become more aggressive and get the predator to back off, before then moving to flight and getting to safety. In times of actual (or perceived) danger, a parent doesn't stop to socialize. They can't. They still use their flight and fight behavioral responses. The tend and befriend behaviors are ideal for relieving the stress that accompanies social isolation. That isolation is a cue of danger, experienced as stress, which then triggers us to seek out safe social engagement in order to relieve that stress. Tend and befriend behaviors are also examples of protective co-regulation, which are necessary to get us into our social engagement system, which optimizes our use of resources for health, growth and restoration. You can read the original "Tend and Befriend Theory" for yourself, of course. I don't think that it actually adds anything new to the Polyvagal Theory, but has a lot of information about things like oxytocin and the importance of attachment. Through the polyvagal lens, it's co-regulation as a way to return to the social engagement state as a first response to mild cues of danger , or "stress."

Hi Justin. My kids often yell throughout the day, even at night. This always sends me into flight. I get major anxiety every time, and when he does it repeatedly I get angry. How do I deal with my state? Hi there. First thing, and I'm sad I have to say this, but I do - thanks for being a parent that doesn't hit their child. That being said, as parents, we do have to do something about our state when it comes to interacting with our kiddos. If you are chronically not in a safe/social state, I'd recommend doing some physical activities with the family when there isn't a crisis going on. In all honesty, there's many different things we can do, there's no one answer. So instead, here's a breakdown of what I do. These are mostly top-down approaches. be aware of the state I am in (top down) stop what I am doing (top down choice) take at least one deep breath (bottom up) remember my parental values (top down) attempt to understand the state of my kids (top down) provide cues of safety to them solve the problem with them (top down) 1. BE AWARE OF YOUR STATE Day to day, I am constantly checking in with myself and my breathing. It's become a habit at this point. I often do random checks of different spots of my body (why is the area behind my ears tense so often?!). I know my body cues well enough to catch it before it turns into a behavior I'll end up regretting. Meaning, when my frustration level goes up, I notice it and immediately do something different , otherwise I turn to yelling. So if your child wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming, how do you feel? Like running? Are there thoughts of danger flitting through your mind? If your teen has attitude, what does your body do? Is there a spike of acid in your belly? Does your jaw clench? Doing the daily check-ins, whether random or not, gives you the awareness of your body. And with awareness, being able to name and describe your body sensations or thoughts, will increase your control over what choices you make in response. 2. STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING Seriously, just stop what you're doing . If this is a brand new idea to you and you easily go into a rage or want to take off, that probably seems like a dumb recommendation and completely undoable. And I get that. It's still a challenge for me if I'm not at my most safe/social state. Giving in to your frustration is easier and honestly feels way better than attempting to calmly deal with a screaming kid. But it causes more harm in the short and long term. I've simply accepted that stopping what I am doing allows me the opportunity to get to the next step. It's like a transitional moment for me, not a solution to the problem. But before that, my singular goal in this step is to not make the situation worse . If my kids is angry and I join them, the situation itself will probably get worse. And in the longer run, I am damaging my relationship with my family. And that doesn't work for me. If your kids is screaming in the middle of the night, don't make it worse. That's a kid who's terrified and has dropped into their own sympathetic arousal. Cues of safety are going to be more effective and have a longer positive impact on the child, including their ability to tolerate their state the next time. Don't make it worse this time by acting on your impulses to be more aggressive. You have an opportunity to build now for the next time. 3. DEEP BREATHS I know, this one sounds like an idiotic recommendation and seems totally impractical. But it's effective for grounding yourself. I take as many as I need, being still and going a bit more inward. And my kids will notice this, which gives them pause. Usually one nice deep breath with a long exhale is enough for me to focus on the next step. If you need more, do it. This is a good time to think of a memory that brings you some safety . I recommend thinking of a time you held that child as a baby, or the first time they held your thumb or their first game. Just something to remind yourself of how much you love them. Because you do, even if you don't feel it in the moment. Of course, you should be practicing deep breaths throughout the day. I don't do meditation or yoga, it's not really my thing. But consciously controlling my breathing every now and then builds my ability to go to a better space pretty quickly. 4. REMEMBER YOUR PARENTAL VALUES In these moments of intense anger or frustration, I find it helpful to remind myself of my values as a parent. I absolutely will never hit my children. That's an easy one though, and frankly, I have no desire to hit them. If that's something you need to prioritize, please do so immediately. Please. Here's a few others: I parent from a place of love, first and foremost I need to be a safe person, providing safe cues I will be a safe person for them, knowing I am a model for future ones These are typically enough for me to get to the next step. No, it's not this super easy at first. Yes, it gets way easier with practice. There's been times where I've had sort of an internal debate on how to handle a situation, knowing the safe/social route is the right way to go, but also knowing that giving into the flight/fight energy might get me a faster result. Typically, this internal dialogue ends with the safe/social system telling the flight/fight system, "Tough s**t." Ultimately, if I want my kids to be in their own safe/social states, I need to have access to my own. 5. UNDERSTAND THE STATE OF YOUR CHILD The other benefit of being aware of your state is using it as a cue to inform your decision-making. If you feel panic when your kids screams, that's a clue as to where your child is at. They are likely going through something similar and you're now feeling that. Imagine you're at a mall and you hear a baby scream. What happens? Your internal alarms go off, right? Those alarms are there for a reason. Respect them, listen to them, then act. They come from a place of love for your kids. When you slow down, you can be more aware of that fact, then choose how to act. 6. PROVIDE SAFETY CUES BEFORE PROBLEM SOLVING This means provide safety cues directly to them, like being with them, holding them, singing, smiling, using prosody or getting up and moving with them. For teens, it's going to be a lot of facial stuff, like eye contact, being curious and caring. For the kiddo that's awake in the middle of the night, screaming, they may need a prosodic voice and to be held and rocked. I don't exactly have a cookie cutter approach to this, and every child is different, obviously. For my son (4), when I stick my arms out in an offer to hold him, he usually melts and comes to me, even when he's down the ladder a chunk. For my daughter (9), it's listening and giving her some time, then checking in with her and giving some love and positivity after she's self-regulated. 7. SOLVE THE PROBLEM WITH THEM Once you've gained control of yourself, have more of an understanding of where your child is at and you're focused on providing safety cues, now you can attempt to solve the problem. Why is the kid screaming in the middle of the night? Obviously they don't feel safe. And that can be a ton of different things. But once they're in their safe/social state enough , now is the time to process what's going on. It might sound like this - "Hey, I saw tears coming out of your eyes and I heard you screaming, but now you're breathing better. That was really scary, huh? What's going on?" After they give you an answer, do some problem-solving with them. Do the actual solution together, like closing the closet door for a toddler who's scared. For a teen, it might be planning out a homework schedule. Working with them will help build their capacity to stay in or return to a safe/social state the next time. In the long-run, this is building self-regulation. The bigger issue here is that we can't wait until the moment of crisis to worry about our self-regulation. This needs to be done much more often. If we wait for a moment of screaming to happen, then ask "What do I do!??!," it's going to be more difficult to implement these solutions. So practice this stuff well ahead of time and it won't be as overwhelming when the real deal happens. Trust me, I've been there and have (mostly) come out the other end. If you want to learn more, I highly recommend reading (links to Amazon where I got a portion of the sale at no extra cost to you) "Trauma-Proofing Your Kids" by Peter Levine, the miracle trauma healer behind Somatic Experiencing.

I’m trying my absolute best to be the best parent I can but damn it is so hard for me. You're not alone. I honestly believe that each of us parents is doing their best. And yes, that even includes the parents that are abusive (but that doesn't mean it's okay on any level). That is the best they can muster based on the way they were raised, based on where they're at in their polyvagal state and based on their possibilities for change. At the same time, I know damn well they are capable of more. I don't know what your best is though, Reader. I have zero doubt that every parent is potentially capable of being loving, supportive, nurturing co-regulators. We're not all there. And if we are, sometimes it comes and goes. I know it does for me too. So I think that's where we need to start. I truly believe you're doing your best. But I'd have to ask you, are you capable of more? I'm not asking you or any other parent to be perfect. That's just not possible, I don't think. I honestly have no idea what that looks like. Let's just dump that idea right away. Perfect isn't going to happen. So there's some room for "failure" here, for lack of a better term. But again, are you capable of more? Of course you are. If you have a problem with yelling, I know you can reduce it tomorrow. You can. Are we able to agree on that? Are you physically capable of yelling less? Absolutely. So there's some room for failure, but there's also some room for improvement. What I need every parent to do is to make the choice to do one step better today. One step better than you did yesterday. That can look however you want it to look. That might mean you write an "I love you"note instead of not giving any love messages at all. Or maybe playing for 20 minutes with your kiddo instead of anxiously re-cleaning the house or sleeping the day away (real life examples that occur all too often). Are you capable of taking it one step further? Absolutely. Will that be your best? Yup. And can you take it one step further the next day? Heck yes. You do this enough, and your "best" looks a lot better than it did a few months ago. Point being, we're all doing our best. We really are. But we can do better. Answer this for me - Are you capable of being a better parent today than you were yesterday? Can you identify at least one change you can make today? Will you do it? If you answered "yes" to question 3, congrats, you're on your way to being a more efficient co-regulator. If you answered "no" to question 3, that you won't make a small change, I have a follow up question for you... 4. Are you okay with that? Are you okay with doing nothing different today? Are you okay with not taking a small step forward in your parenting? If your answer is "yes," I really can't help you then. That really concerns me, honestly. If you answered "no," then I want you to take away your judgment for a moment and notice that feeling. You're not okay with it. You're not okay with how you are as a parent. That tells me you have some fight in you. Listen to that. Honor and respect it. Notice it. Give it love and nurturance and let it come out. Keep being the best parent you can. Make a small change for the better every day. Forgive yourself for the judgment. Apologize to your kids if you need to. Please go easy on yourself. Slow down. Remind yourself how much you love your kids and let that feeling sweep over you. You are doing your best. And you'll do one better.

I listen to some heavy heavy metal music... why is that? The obvious reason is because heavy metal music is awesome. You and me? We cool. Mercedes and I actually talk about music a good chunk in our " Climbing the Ladder " series. But from a polyvagal perspective, it might be because of a couple of reasons: it matches your state or it's helping you up the ladder. IT MATCHES YOUR STATE I'm always fascinated at the way that we connect with music. Certain songs or artists simply speak to us with their music . The song gets us or the artist gets us. Like, they created the song for us or they were able to channel our inner feelings and thoughts into music form. Or when we hear it, we say, "That's me." Teens will use music in therapy as a way to show how they are feeling or express themselves. This is true of any music, not just heavy metal, of course. The music matches us. It's a mirror reflection of our internal world, right? How many pieces of music speak to you? Really speak to you? It may or may not be the lyrics. Or maybe some of the lyrics but not all of them. Usually it's the actual instruments of the music: the beat, the intensity, the chaos or the prosody of the voice. The lyrics don't matter as much, in my estimation. But when the lyrics connect as well, it just gets us ever deeper. So heavy metal music probably matches the state you're in - it's aggressive, loud, intrusive, angry, high energy. It's sick and tired of being quiet or passive. It's pissed off and reached its boiling point and has to erupt. Maybe just like the people that listen to it. Look closely at the image of the mosh pit above. What you're seeing is basically a version of dancing when it comes to heavy metal. The crowd forms a circle around a swirling vortex of bodies that are aggressively shoving, bumping, pushing, jumping and even punching each other. Look at the people in the circle - they're using their upper bodies. Their arms are raised and their fists are clenched. They have positioned their torsos at their "target." No one here is turning and running away. Upper bodies are associated with the fight mode of the sympathetic autonomic state. When we listen to any music, we have to ask ourselves what we're getting out of it. If we feel understood, then it's probably matching our state. If we feel some sort of energy shift happening, it might be helping us to become unstuck. YOU'RE CLIMBING THE LADDER When we come out of shutdown, the first stop is sympathetic arousal. And the first part of sympathetic arousal is Fight. Once the Fight aggression is discharged, we flee (not literally necessarily) and then get to safety. Heavy metal music then is like a conduit for our fight energy. As we emerge from shutdown and get that aggressive energy, listening to heavy metal music can be therapeutic. As long as we are able to sit with it and notice how we feel while we listen to it. How does our body want to move? How does our body feel? What sensations are there? What kinds of thoughts pop into our heads? If you listen to the music and then dance, that's well and good. That's like a moment of joining the music and feeling understood. But if you can be mindful of the experience, that's where the unclogging can happen. As you're headbanging and moshing, notice what it feels like to be powerful. To thrash your hair around, bang your head down, use your shoulders and waist. Notice it without judgment and experience the music, don't just listen to it. Listen with your body, not with your ears. Allow the process to happen. Embrace it. Allow yourself to feel powerful in a safe way . If you're under the influence of substances, don't. If you're using this as fuel to rob a convenient store, don't. If you're getting pumped up to go fight someone, stop. These aren't safe ways to channel the energy and will actually make things worse. Be in a safe place and really allow your body to experience the music.

(This post contains affiliate links, meaning, if you click through and make a purchase or sign up for a program, I may earn a commission. This is at no additional cost to you.) I've recently begun to read Peter Levine's In an Unspoken Voice . So far, I am absolutely loving it. It seems more comprehensive and in-depth, yet still easy to read. Unfortunately, I am a very slow reader and have only small bits of time to read. Which slows me down more. And I tend to re-read things to make sure I grasp it entirely, which slows me down ever more. Anyhow, someone asked me to list my top three recommended trauma books. POCKET GUIDE TO THE POLYVAGAL THEORY by Stephen Porges The Pocket Guide is much much simpler to digest than Dr Porges' The Polyvagal Theory . The full version is extremely dense and highly academic. I attempted to read that one and only got maybe 50 pages into it. I had to reference a dictionary just about every other word or so. I also kept asking my wife for explanations about concepts (she's a nurse and a total #biologynerd). The Pocket Edition is much needed. It's organized into an interview structure and works better as a conversation. I especially like the Glossary section in the beginning. He understands these concepts and words are likely new, so that is addressed with an easy to understand glossary at the forefront. The book still uses some advanced language and the actual terms for the biological structures, but it works as a whole. I think it's important to read the words of the creator of the Polyvagal Theory directly. WAKING THE TIGER by Peter Levine This is probably the central trauma book, in my opinion. For the most part, it meshes perfectly well with the Polyvagal Theory. Dr Levine gives some really good examples and a very simple explanation of trauma. He discusses the biological aspects of trauma without getting overly academic and how trauma gets stuck in the body. If you are curious about the somatic aspects of trauma, this is a fantastic place to start. Dr Levine has a truly unique understanding of this essential component of trauma. Plus he has decades of research and therapeutic application. Learning from him is a very unique opportunity. This is a must-own . HEALING TRAUMA by Peter Levine Another from Dr Levine that I think is essential. Healing Trauma is different in that it explicitly maps out steps to help you heal from trauma. The steps are easy to understand and apply. Its all about body awareness - bringing your conscious awareness to your bodily experiences. The steps aren't too much or too fast. I love that he presents an avenue for becoming unstuck that doesn't necessarily involve paying hundreds of dollars for therapy sessions. I think these applications can be extremely beneficial to a lot of people. And again, Dr Levine has the history to back up this book. There's also an overview of trauma, but not in as much detail. In everything I have read from Dr Levine, there is mention of "Nancy," the first client he had that catapulted his career in a new direction. That's in this book too. So the opening isn't necessarily new information outside of Waking the Tiger , but I think revisiting the basics is always a good idea. Each time he shares these fundamentals, it's in a slightly new way. I get something new each time. MORE READING Of course, there's lots more to read on trauma. I have these and others on my Recommended Reading page with links to Amazon. I also regularly post quotes from these book on my Instagram and they live forever in the Highlights section, sorted by author.

How do I find a trauma therapist? This is a question I've been getting a lot recently. And I think it's well justified. You want to find a competent therapist that can work with trauma and the somatic aspects. And in my opinion, one that is polyvagal-informed. It's a lot of pieces, and honestly, not all therapists are going to be able to fit all of these. And obviously, I can't recommend specific therapists for where everyone lives, so here are a couple of tips based on what I would personally do for myself or a loved one if we needed it. 1. See who is providing trauma therapy locally that is also using social media. This is not going to be the norm for therapists. We have a big fear of exposure and tons of ethical and legal considerations, so most of us will shy away from this. A private sector therapist who is making a living off of insurance referrals may not feel the need to market themselves and just stay the course. Regardless, if I were looking for a therapist today, that would probably be my first step. I'd check Psychology Today to see the local listings, then visit all of their websites if they have one, then their social media. Why? Because it's an easy way to vet someone without having to go and pay a fee. You can tell a lot about someone based on their social media. You can get a feel for their personality, while also getting a feel for how they do therapy, while also getting a feel for their level of competence. All of these things should be taken into consideration. A therapist without a strong online presence can of course still be a great therapist. But again, for me, this is my first step. I'd like to meet with someone that I can get a feel for ahead of time. I want to know if someone knows their stuff or not and if they seem like a good personality fit for me. 2. Find a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner in your area. A couple of things about this: SE Professionals are not necessarily psychotherapists. That is not a mandatory requirement. "[The] program is designed to train professionals in working more effectively with client trauma," but this includes medical professionals, massage therapists, yoga instructors and more. SE Professionals in the Somatic Experiencing Directory are not necessarily "Practitioners" - professionals that have completed the entire 3 year training. It also includes SE Professionals in training. Something to be aware of when you're looking. I think working with an SE Professional could be a great alternative to traditional therapy. Or ideally, a therapist that is also an SE Professional. Either way, SE Pros are supposed to be trained to work with many kinds of traumas. This is their field. Their expertise. And it all stems from the incredible work of Peter Levine. If I were looking for a therapist, I would give very serious consideration to this. I've actually looked in my area out of curiosity and was pleasantly surprised that I found a handful nearby. There are other non-therapy methods of getting unstuck from trauma, but this one has me the most interested. I also think things like yoga and meditation might be helpful. But again, not things I'll do for myself most likely. Maybe meditation more than I do now. 3. Do therapy online This might not be the best fit for all people, but it's a potential option. If you search for an online therapist, you might find someone in your state that you wouldn't typically be able to work with. This could open up a lot of new opportunities. There are even online therapy directories, like BetterHelp , Breakthrough and 7 Cups of Tea . 4. Guess and check I like this option the least, but it's an option. The old-fashioned way of just making an appointment with someone that is close, then trying it out. If it doesn't fit, try again with the next therapist. This has a lot of potential drawbacks, but it is an option. And it might be your best one. I'd recommend treating all of your initial sessions as a way to vet the therapist. Rather than just complying with their expectations, tell them yours upfront. Tell them you won't be talking about anything in the first session that you deem to be too much. Tell them you're there to get a sense for how they work and have some questions planned out. Make it known you're assessing them as much as they're assessing you. You could even make these things known on the first phone call, before the first session. In my opinion, a good therapist is going to welcome that. They'll get it and welcome you in with no judgment. If someone balks at the idea, maybe move on. Someone who is truly "trauma-informed" is going to get it. Heck, someone who is looking out for the best interest of potential clients is going to get it, "trauma-informed" or not. Ultimately, a therapist is there to provide a service to you. Just like a restaurant. Just like a plumber. Just like a lawyer. There's nothing special about us. If you're not feeling it with one, you move on to the next. Just like you would with any other profession until you get the service you expect for your money. Like I said, lots of potential drawbacks. But I think the potential of that could be reduced by having your boundaries set before the first contact. I hope this list helps. You deserve to get the help you need. I hope you find it! This is honestly what I would do for myself or a loved one.

BUILDING THE VAGAL BRAKE AS A BASIC GOAL OF PARENTING One of the fundamental responsibilities of being a parent - Building the social engagement system effectively enough to build the child’s self-regulation. They'll be better able to recognize cues of danger Make better relationship choices Make better friendship choices They’ll be less likely to be in places of potential danger or traumatization They’ll be able to handle play with others They can engage without taking things personally They can mobilize and handle the flight/fight energy They’ll be more tolerant to those that are down the ladder More likely to use dialogue as a way to handle situations More likely to use co-regulation as a way to help Individuals in a stuck defensive state are going to have a harder time utilizing their vagal brake and their self-regulation Their social engagement system has been cut off Social engagement system is the vagal brake HOW TO BUILD THE VAGAL BRAKE, v ersus how to change bx or “gain control” Our job, as parents, is to teach and guide, not to dictate how children should live their lives Help them learn to make healthy decisions for themselves, not what WE want them to do Through modeling What we do, what we say, how we say and do it And you know that they are ALWAYS watching They learn way more from what we model than what we say Through play Being safe/social + being mobilized Quick moments throughout the day, silly routines you do with your kids, structured activity (e.g. board game, park) Exercises moving up and down the polyvagal ladder Stronger social engagement = stronger vagal brake Through consequences Doesn’t exactly build the social engagement system, but can possibly build distress tolerance So really, a kid has to have a strong relationship for the consequence structure to be effective Through co-regulation Which is the focus of our next episode WE DON’T CONTROL OUR CHILDREN Important to let go of this idea Will aid in moving forward with everything else we talk about in this series Attempting to control our children only results in negative interactions that will accumulate into a negative relationship When children are born, they very much feel like a part of ourselves. As painful as it might feel to say, they are not. Figuratively, sure. Think of a time you broke a serious house rule Did your parents have control over you? - Nope Think of the last time your child broke one of your rules? Did you have control over them? Or did you just respond to their choice? Logical sense vs emotional acceptance Very challenging But will be very liberating and allow you to be more creative with your parenting We have a ton of influence Music & Sounds by Benjo Beats - https://soundcloud.com/benjobeats

Links are below to many of the things we discuss. Some links are to Amazon where I get a portion of the sale at no extra cost to you. PART 1 / episode 37 THE WORK OF HEALING Medical model doesn’t quite fit when it comes to healing “You wouldn’t start losing weight or becoming better at exercising or eating well and then say, ‘okay, i’ve done it.’ It just doesn’t work that way.” “There are layers and layers and layers and layers and layers within us that we don’t even understand. And there will be new things that come into our world… all these things that we can’t predict. We can learn regulation… but you have to keep going.” “This is long term. It’s life-style. And we’ve treated it like it’s a medical condition that we have to fix.” “Everyone knows they should eat well… Everyone knows ‘I should probably move every day’... But the reason we don’t implement them is not for lack of want or even knowing how. It's the underlying pieces that stop us for whatever reason.” COUPLING DYNAMICS Somatic experiencing concept Physiological state that is separate from neuroception Possible to over and under couple simultaneously Over-coupled - sympathetic charge along with another or a deep shutdown; Tension, tense muscles Under-coupled = Limp, no tone HOW SOMEONE GETS TO BE A KILLER Dr Bruce Perry “Born For Love” - https://amzn.to/2PO3x6i “The Boy Who Was Raised…”- https://amzn.to/2r6pJ0T The Story of Ryan - https://youtu.be/3WI3aUfsNxM The Story of Teddy - https://youtu.be/dNts7T8_Vig Peter Levine “Healing Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes” - https://amzn.to/2WHc7Fj Medical procedures affect us today “No one is born wanting to hurt anybody. It is what occurs to us through our lives and what doesn’t happen.” HOW STATE/TRAUMA IS PASSED ON & MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS “We know now that intergenerational trauma is real.” Practitioners and the vibe they give - “It’s the vibration in their body.” “Most of our parents did not do these conversations.” Parent can respond to a child’s needs, but not know what to do. Parents need to be connected to themselves to be connected to their child and respond to their needs “The environment is king and queen. And all these little nuances of how we’re touched, how we’re spoken to, how we’re not spoken to, how we’re not fed when we’re hungry or how we’re forced to feed when we’re not hungry… they influence our sense of safety, how our physiology works.” “We’re super intelligent when it comes to how we manage and regulate our physiology. But the way we regulate our physiology is often detrimental for our long term physiological and mental health.” PHYSIOLOGICAL DISORDERS & STATE “We’ve seen that someone can have that lack of… safety and it can breed more mental disorders but it could also breed… more physiological disorders.” LIFE FORCE ENERGY “When were born we start to feel our healthy aggression come up. This life force spark that realizes I am a being… there’s energy in my body… this healthy aggression starts to come out. If the parent or the caregiver is not able to see what that is and celebrate it, it gets shut down.” Manipulating the energy takes the child out of the moment Ignoring life force energy is a way to survive in the relationship = true exuberance is shut down and a false self emerges “When you depress one thing, you depress the entire physiology… this isn’t just cognitive.” “To come out of [depression]... you have to rev the system up again. You have to get it comfortable with feeling energy.” interjects/beliefs keep the life force energy from returning Interjects will be found in the physiology at some point DISGUST Disgust leads to self harm and addictive behaviors Build capacity to discuss disgust “They need to understand why that happened. It isn’t your fault. It’s not a genetic defect. It is a long-standing environmental situation brought on by crappy circumstances that were never addressed.” The “why” can help to reduce disgust “You have been in shutdown and this depressed biological state. Coming out of that - unfreezing the system - is going to mean… all this stuff is going to bubble up and we’re going to feel stuff that ain’t that nice.” “Disgust is one of the primal animal emotions. We forget about it.” Disgust signals that the coupling dynamics are becoming finally coupled back together properly. “Ride the tsunami” - to be able to stay with the disgust while also staying connected to the self DISGUST Toxic shame “Bad meat,” rotten, visceral disgust GOOD SHAME AGGRESSION Not bad Sympathetic Needed to get through the day PART 2 / episode 38 HEALTHY SHAME & CONSEQUENCES “Healthy shame is teaching a child what’s right from wrong. It’s what needs to happen so that they stay safe.” Knowing when it’s right or wrong to use aggression Biological sense of what is right and wrong “It instills a biological sense of - ‘This is not right.’ And it has to go into the biology. Because if it doesn’t go into the biology, we will not feel it and we won’t learn the lesson.” “If the upbringing wasn’t... the more perfect situation, then you try to change that when those patterns have been set, it’s gonna be a little of a tug of war.” “The moment the safety comes up, what does it allow the system to do? It allows it to express all the stored stuff that has been in there forever…” HEALTHY AGGRESSION WITH KIDS “If someone is asking that question, then they probably don’t know what it is themselves…” “You as the adult, [you] want to have the capacity to deal with being uncomfortable in the face of an immature nervous system acting out. And if we join with their immaturity, we’re only going to get more immaturity back.” “When someone’s having that meltdown and their being “bad,” how is that triggering our own stuff?” “They actually know. We have to learn from them through the way they play, the way they express, the way they dance, the way they zoom across the park…” Importance of children to have open spaces - to go and come back to build a healthy attachment Parents on phone at park while kids are playing - removal of attention deprives opportunity for the child to build a bond and feel pride Attunements, attachments, allowing them to be free without being overbearing PARENTING “It’s a huge responsibility. It’s the biggest job in the world. Because you’re creating the most complex system in the world.” EMBRACING THE CHANGE & THIS INFORMATION “When people understand the biological pieces… people feel it cellularly when they hear that truth.” We can’t simply learn new information, we also need to put it into place. "We’ve been woken up to this… you have a responsibility to take this information and use it.” "I fully believe in alignment. We do create our fate and we are meant to follow a path. And if a path comes in front of you and you are drawn to it and then - 'I can’t' - you stop the flow of the universe." "That path was given to you for a reason. Yeah, it’s really scary… There’s a lot of people who have already gone down that path and they’re on the other side and they’re like, ‘come here come here.’" “It seems scary at the beginning, but if you do the work properly, with people who understand and you have good support and you know it’s not a quick fix, you’ll get there. And you’ll be that much more liberated.” MIND LEARNING vs NERVOUS SYSTEM “They’re the same. Except for that you have to understand that the nervous system is more than one nervous system.” Autonomic, somatic, gut and brain… “...to be cognitive and use your mind, you have to have the other parts of your nervous system in a regulated state so the mind can function at its highest level possible.” “As far as I know, nobody has been able to figure out where ‘the mind’ is.” “You can’t separate the body from what’s going on in the thoughts… a thought might come up… what happens when you notice that thought…?” “The nervous systems will run the front of the bus if they’re in survival mode.” UNSTUCK vs HEALING “Healing, to me, is either happening or it isn’t… if you are working towards taking care of yourself… you are in the healing zone. You’re turning on your healing DNA.” “Being stuck can occur when you’re on the healing path. It’s what you do with it when it shows up.” Stuck as a lack of flow “Maybe the word we want is ‘regulation.’ because regulation, at the end of the day, are you working toward regulation? Is the system regulated or is it dysregulated?” “Regulation” might be the more accurate word. Are we regulated or dysregulated? NERVOUS SYSTEM & MEDICAL PROBLEMS Yes, healing the nervous system can “fully heal” some medical problems. “I have clients, I have a husband, I have colleagues, myself. I’ve seen people full heal from these things and those people have done a s**t ton of work.” “Yes, you can. But just because you can, doesn’t mean someone will… I have seen people who have gone through the work and done the work. Gone through the motions… sometimes… their psyches will be so strong, that it will override all the good work they’re doing with the physiology.” Dysregulation in the autonomic nervous system = “syndromal representation,” more chronic conditions Autonomic cycling of sympathetic and parasympathetic - “symphony of chaos” within the organs Low tone dorsal vs high tone dorsal and healing “If we get the system back into good regulation, the body actually knows how to heal.” TOOLS TO USE AT HOME vs PUBLIC Depends on the person More activation compared to regular low level dysregulation What are your needs? To connect to someone or to self soothe in isolation, for example Individuals need to know what works for them “What can I do that will help my physiology come down? And that is trial and error and that’s being experimental and curious.” The importance of curiosity “The moment we feel a trigger, we have a very short window of time between that trigger creating more activation or that trigger deactivating.” Curiosity to divert the fear response - “Can you party with that sensation? Have a little party with it.” being curious with it STRESS & EXHAUSTION Parasympathetic to sympathetic Survival energy “That energy, those survival mechanisms take a lot of energy. They’re there for survival.” These should be there “for like 5 seconds.” Adrenaline is fast acting. Chronic defensive states exhaust it, which triggers cortisol, which is a long-acting hormone. This is more efficient. Cortisol is toxic to tissues and brain over time Burnout, adrenal exhaustion, adrenal fatigue Body has given up, no more ‘sympathetic juice’ Education is a first step, then building capacity through reconnecting to the physiology - neurosensory exercises Orienting Following impulses like using the restroom, drinking and sleeping when the impulse is there - entry point into listening to deeper parts of the stress physiology “If you’re in constant flight, fight, freeze, you will burn out.” LACKING EXTERNAL RESOURCES FOR HEALING “Even doing one-on-one work every week for a year, from what I’ve seen is not enough… You have to be practicing when you’re not there.” “Our self awareness to self has to be on all the time… we don’t need it as much as humans because we’re not out in the wild having to be attentive… we get lazy around that. We can actually not pay attention and be okay.” “Can that watching of the show be an embodied experience? As opposed to - ‘I’m doing this to numb out because I don’t want to feel what’s going on.’” “I’ve had people go through my work who are totally well supported… I’ve had people who… can barely make ends meet. The difference… has to do with not only their belief that they can heal… but their capacity to believe that they deserve to heal.” “If their mindset is - ‘I’m going to do this because I really deserve to be well’ - they’ll find a way. I’ve also found that when we get that mentality, things open up.” “If the mind can see the potential, things can open up beyond what we might not even imagine. I think belief is big, but deserving is even bigger.” SMART BODY SMART MIND - https://smartbodysmartmind.com/ Once a year, usually in spring Online group curriculum, 12 weeks Course for life, alumni can join free the next year Group calls, Q&A, Facebook group with team 21 DAY NERVOUS SYSTEM TUNE-UP - https://irenelyon.com/tuneup/ UP & DOWN - https://irenelyon.com/up-down-workshop/ In person event, 3 days Mindful, attentive, calculated

Someone asked me via Instagram DM - Is it possible to co-regulate with a pet? ...I am incapable of trusting/liking/enduring people enough to get to a safe co-regulation situation, so I'm trying to find holes in the system 😅 to be able to heal myself and get unstuck, otherwise I'm screwed 🙄. My dog seems to be my only safe space in the world. YES! It is absolutely possible to co-regulate with a pet. Especially if you have a mammal, let's break this down. What is Co-regulation? Co-regulation is one of the three pillars of the polyvagal theory ,  along with the evolutionary hierarchy of the autonomic nervous system and  neuroception .  Co-regulation happens between two mammals . It's a social interaction that helps to regulate their physiology and thus optimize bodily resources. For example, the parent that gently looks into the eyes of their toddler who is throwing a tantrum. The parent is in their safe and social state, giving cues of safety spontaneously and easily. The child is in a more sympathetic state, highly energized but dysregulated. The parent's safety cues might help that toddler to regulate back into their own safe and social state and to calm down. The child is receiving passive co-regulation versus active self-regulation Why is Being a Mammal Important? It's a mammalian thing though. Because mammals are the only organisms that stay in families and require social engagement to optimize bodily resources. Porges does a better job at explaining though in this short clip - Mammals have a ventral vagal social engagement system. These are biological pathways unique to mammals that allowed for social bonding and an increased chance of survival. These pathways also allowed for the first tiny mammals to be able to hear each other as distinct from the larger reptiles that dominated the world at the time. And allowed for vocalizations that were distinct from those same reptiles. So mammals have our own unique physiology. Those unique pathways give us the ability to signal when we are safe or not. It allows us to be close to each other and provide. It allows us to make families and tribes on top of that. And that includes our mammalian pets, like dogs. They become a part of our families and our larger human tribe(s). Birds and reptiles don't have those same biological pathways. They don't need to co-regulate with each other. There is no social engagement system or facial affect. They are basically constantly in a state of mobilization or immobilization. Our mammalian third autonomic pathways take those older pathways of mobilization and immobilization and repurpose them for connection (and health, growth and restoration). Our biology for pure flight/fight becomes used for play when combined with the safety system. The immobilization pathways becomes a meditative stillness when combined with the safety system. Mammals are unique. Can a dog co-regulate? Hell yeah. And they're really good at it . If you have a dog, you know exactly how they feel. They show it all over their bodies. When they're in a state of safety, they instantaneously get closer to you and cuddle. They look you in the eye. They become more playful. Their tails, ears and eyes all express their safety. Our individual nervous systems pick up on their safety cues, causing a neuroception of safety within us. This safety neuroception helps our own autonomic nervous system to climb up the polyv agal ladder . The co-regulation from a dog or other mammalian pet is just like from another human. It's spontaneous. When we're in our state of safety, we instantaneously give cues of safety to those around us. It's not a conscious, planned thing. It's just something that mammals do passively for each other. I didn't include co-regulation in my Building Safety Anchors course, but this could be a potential anchor for you. If you can purposefully surround yourself with safe mammals, you're going to increase the amount of safety cues coming your way. Safe friends, safe family, safe coworkers and even safe pets. Co-regulation is passive, but you can increase those passive cues and chances for neuroceptions of safety. Do Animals Get Traumatized? As long as you treat your animal well, they are fantastic self-regulators. Animals know what they need. They know how to utilize their flight energy. They know when to be aggressive and use the energy. For the most part, animals don't really get traumatized, especially wild animals. If they were traumatized in the wild, they would make for easy prey. Domestic animals are different. Domestic animals don't have as much space as a wild animal. Domestic animals are confined within the walls of the home or the fence of the yard. There are less opportunities to do their natural instincts, like hunting and digging. And these are the methods they would use to utilize their defensive energy. Instead, they tear up couches and rip up toys. Domestic animals are also living with humans. Humans who are potentially not very good co-regulators. Humans who are not accessing their state of safety. Animals in these homes are potentially being saturated in danger cues from their human family. Combine this with being confined and you have the ingredients for a traumatized animal. Not to mention those that might be downright mistreated. If you're ready to do your own ladder climbing and can commit to 30 days of learning and doing, I've got a great option for you. My Building Safety Anchors course is exactly that. Every day I guide you through a small step that is designed to help you ground yourself more in the present moment, build the strength of your vagal brake and help you get unstuck.

The Polyvagal Theory is complex, especially if you're starting from the primary source - Dr. Stephen Porges. No, he doesn't make it easy to digest. Deb Dana does a great job in translating and I've done my translations through my many pieces of free content. But what if you're a total and utter beginner in the PVT? What are the essential aspects of Porges' Theory? No jargon. No complexity. Just the absolute basics that you can build from. PVT Basic #1 : Biological States of the Body The mammalian body can be said to exist in basically one of three states . (For you PVT Nerds out there, I know. Slow your roll. I'm focusing on the basics for the total beginner here, not the mixed states!) Three states of the Polyvagal Theory: These three states are the result of the body's detection of safety or danger and have specific autonomic biological pathways: Social Engagement - biology that is responsible for your ability to connect with and socially engage with others when safe Flight & Fight - biology that is responsible for your ability to mobilize - to run from or fight off danger Shutdown - biology that is responsible for immobilizing when life is in threat and "play dead" The PVT says that if the underlying biology is not active, then you won't be able to engage in these specific behaviors and the feelings and thoughts that come along with them. For example, if the biology for safety and social engagement is not active, then you won't be able to smile, make eye contact gently or give a hug. On top of that, existing in one state cuts off your ability to use the behaviors of the other states. So if you are in a flight/fight state, then you won't have the ability to socially engage. You also won't have the ability to immobilize. Likewise, if you are in a shutdown state, you'll lack the capacity to mobilize with energy or to connect with others. (Again, I know, PVT Nerds. It's more complex. Calm yourself! Extend your exhale lol) PVT Basic #2 : Biological States of the Body are Unconscious These biological states of the body are activated through unconscious means. The body receives input from its senses, then determines what level of safety or danger or life threat it is under. From there, the body shifts into one of the three basic states. Polyvagal state evolved within us to ensure survival These biological responses evolved within us to increase the chances of survival or bodily functioning. Running or fighting are going to help you survive when in danger. Immobilizing in collapse will help you to survive in life threat. And being in your safety state will optimize bodily resources for "health, growth and restoration," something Dr Porges says often. All of this means that you can't consciously choose your Polyvagal state. Increase the chances of being in your safety state You can, however, increase the chances of being in your safety state through manipulating your environment and creating passive safety cues. You can also do something that increases your feelings of safety, like dancing (barf) or playing with a fidget. You can create a list of safety anchors to use that will help activate that state. And you can definitely practice being in your safety state to increase the strength of those pathways. So there are things you can consciously do to increase the likelihood of being in your safety state, but it's not simply a choice to exist in that state. Stop trying to "hack" And no, it's not as simple as "hacking" or "resetting" or "activating" your vagus nerve. That kind of wording is common in the Polyvagal sphere, with a focus on the nerve itself. This is misleading and creates the impression that one can simply choose to do a certain thing to turn off or on their Polyvagal states. PVT Basic #3 : It's Biology First Polyvagal Theory is a unifying theory The PVT connects to pretty much everything in our experience: thoughts, emotions, sensations, relationships and more. How can this be? Because the PVT is a unifying theory . It takes these domains and provides an underlying explanation. And the explanation is a biological one. Basically, PVT is saying that biological shifts are first. Then, when those shifts happen, they will result in other shifts that might be noticed by the individual. Think of it like a couple dominoes falling. When one domino falls, it hits the other and then that one falls too. The autonomic nervous system is the primary factor The dominoes in the PVT are biological ones. A bit more specifically, they relate to the autonomic nervous system. When the autonomic nervous system makes an adjustment, then feelings, thoughts and behaviors follow. I see other Polyvagal enthusiasts focusing on various "trauma responses" and behavioral-level aspects of the theory. Which is important and valid. But what gets lost is the primary catalyst of those behaviors, which are the biological shifts happening in the autonomic nervous system. Recommended further reading: Polyvagal Intro If this blog has interested you and you're ready to go deeper in your learning, check out my free Polyvagal Intro page to learn more about the essentials of the Polyvagal Theory and be connected to more free resources. Click here for my free Polyvagal Intro > Q&A What are the three ways in which the mammalian body can exist according to the Polyvagal Theory, and what determines which state the body is in? The three states are Social Engagement, Flight & Fight, and Shutdown, and the body's detection of safety or danger determines which state the body is in. Can an individual consciously choose their Polyvagal state, and what can they do to increase their chances of being in the safety state? No, an individual cannot consciously choose their Polyvagal state. However, they can increase their chances of being in the safety state by manipulating their environment and creating passive safety cues, as well as practicing being in the safety state to strengthen those pathways. What does the Polyvagal Theory say about the relationship between biological shifts and other shifts in an individual's experience? The Polyvagal Theory states that biological shifts are first, and when those shifts happen, they will result in other shifts that an individual might notice in their thoughts, emotions, sensations, and behaviors. Quotes from this blog: "The mammalian body can be said to exist in basically one of three states... These three states have specific autonomic biology." "...You can't consciously choose your Polyvagal state... it's not simply a choice to exist in that state." "The PVT connects to pretty much everything in our experience: thoughts, emotions, sensations, relationships and more... When the autonomic nervous system makes an adjustment, then feelings, thoughts and behaviors follow." Author Bio: Justin wrote the book Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm and receives 150k monthly downloads as the host of the Stuck Not Broken podcast. He specializes in treating trauma and helps individuals get "unstuck" from their defensive states as a therapist and coach. Learn what makes Justin different > Contact Justin > Check off what you're learning through the Polyvagal Checklist download below. Join the Stucknaut Collective for free  and gain instant access to a course on trauma recovery, practical Polyvagal Theory resources, and exclusive downloadable tools to support your healing journey.

This is a collection of episodes that compare the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders to the Polyvagal Theory, plus a couple more that I found relevant. Depression and the Polyvagal Theory Anxiety and the Polyvagal Theory Bipolar Disorder and the Polyvagal Theory PTSD and the Polyvagal Theory ADHD and the Polyvagal Theory blog article > Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the Polyvagal Theory Borderline Personality Disorder and the Polyvagal Theory Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the Polyvagal Theory C-PTSD and the Polyvagal Theory Dr. Stephen Porges on Polyvagal Theory and mental health disorders