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I listen to some heavy heavy metal music... why is that? The obvious reason is because heavy metal music is awesome. You and me? We cool. Mercedes and I actually talk about music a good chunk in our " Climbing the Ladder " series. But from a polyvagal perspective, it might be because of a couple of reasons: it matches your state or it's helping you up the ladder. IT MATCHES YOUR STATE I'm always fascinated at the way that we connect with music. Certain songs or artists simply speak to us with their music . The song gets us or the artist gets us. Like, they created the song for us or they were able to channel our inner feelings and thoughts into music form. Or when we hear it, we say, "That's me." Teens will use music in therapy as a way to show how they are feeling or express themselves. This is true of any music, not just heavy metal, of course. The music matches us. It's a mirror reflection of our internal world, right? How many pieces of music speak to you? Really speak to you? It may or may not be the lyrics. Or maybe some of the lyrics but not all of them. Usually it's the actual instruments of the music: the beat, the intensity, the chaos or the prosody of the voice. The lyrics don't matter as much, in my estimation. But when the lyrics connect as well, it just gets us ever deeper. So heavy metal music probably matches the state you're in - it's aggressive, loud, intrusive, angry, high energy. It's sick and tired of being quiet or passive. It's pissed off and reached its boiling point and has to erupt. Maybe just like the people that listen to it. Look closely at the image of the mosh pit above. What you're seeing is basically a version of dancing when it comes to heavy metal. The crowd forms a circle around a swirling vortex of bodies that are aggressively shoving, bumping, pushing, jumping and even punching each other. Look at the people in the circle - they're using their upper bodies. Their arms are raised and their fists are clenched. They have positioned their torsos at their "target." No one here is turning and running away. Upper bodies are associated with the fight mode of the sympathetic autonomic state. When we listen to any music, we have to ask ourselves what we're getting out of it. If we feel understood, then it's probably matching our state. If we feel some sort of energy shift happening, it might be helping us to become unstuck. YOU'RE CLIMBING THE LADDER When we come out of shutdown, the first stop is sympathetic arousal. And the first part of sympathetic arousal is Fight. Once the Fight aggression is discharged, we flee (not literally necessarily) and then get to safety. Heavy metal music then is like a conduit for our fight energy. As we emerge from shutdown and get that aggressive energy, listening to heavy metal music can be therapeutic. As long as we are able to sit with it and notice how we feel while we listen to it. How does our body want to move? How does our body feel? What sensations are there? What kinds of thoughts pop into our heads? If you listen to the music and then dance, that's well and good. That's like a moment of joining the music and feeling understood. But if you can be mindful of the experience, that's where the unclogging can happen. As you're headbanging and moshing, notice what it feels like to be powerful. To thrash your hair around, bang your head down, use your shoulders and waist. Notice it without judgment and experience the music, don't just listen to it. Listen with your body, not with your ears. Allow the process to happen. Embrace it. Allow yourself to feel powerful in a safe way . If you're under the influence of substances, don't. If you're using this as fuel to rob a convenient store, don't. If you're getting pumped up to go fight someone, stop. These aren't safe ways to channel the energy and will actually make things worse. Be in a safe place and really allow your body to experience the music.

(This post contains affiliate links, meaning, if you click through and make a purchase or sign up for a program, I may earn a commission. This is at no additional cost to you.) I've recently begun to read Peter Levine's In an Unspoken Voice . So far, I am absolutely loving it. It seems more comprehensive and in-depth, yet still easy to read. Unfortunately, I am a very slow reader and have only small bits of time to read. Which slows me down more. And I tend to re-read things to make sure I grasp it entirely, which slows me down ever more. Anyhow, someone asked me to list my top three recommended trauma books. POCKET GUIDE TO THE POLYVAGAL THEORY by Stephen Porges The Pocket Guide is much much simpler to digest than Dr Porges' The Polyvagal Theory . The full version is extremely dense and highly academic. I attempted to read that one and only got maybe 50 pages into it. I had to reference a dictionary just about every other word or so. I also kept asking my wife for explanations about concepts (she's a nurse and a total #biologynerd). The Pocket Edition is much needed. It's organized into an interview structure and works better as a conversation. I especially like the Glossary section in the beginning. He understands these concepts and words are likely new, so that is addressed with an easy to understand glossary at the forefront. The book still uses some advanced language and the actual terms for the biological structures, but it works as a whole. I think it's important to read the words of the creator of the Polyvagal Theory directly. WAKING THE TIGER by Peter Levine This is probably the central trauma book, in my opinion. For the most part, it meshes perfectly well with the Polyvagal Theory. Dr Levine gives some really good examples and a very simple explanation of trauma. He discusses the biological aspects of trauma without getting overly academic and how trauma gets stuck in the body. If you are curious about the somatic aspects of trauma, this is a fantastic place to start. Dr Levine has a truly unique understanding of this essential component of trauma. Plus he has decades of research and therapeutic application. Learning from him is a very unique opportunity. This is a must-own . HEALING TRAUMA by Peter Levine Another from Dr Levine that I think is essential. Healing Trauma is different in that it explicitly maps out steps to help you heal from trauma. The steps are easy to understand and apply. Its all about body awareness - bringing your conscious awareness to your bodily experiences. The steps aren't too much or too fast. I love that he presents an avenue for becoming unstuck that doesn't necessarily involve paying hundreds of dollars for therapy sessions. I think these applications can be extremely beneficial to a lot of people. And again, Dr Levine has the history to back up this book. There's also an overview of trauma, but not in as much detail. In everything I have read from Dr Levine, there is mention of "Nancy," the first client he had that catapulted his career in a new direction. That's in this book too. So the opening isn't necessarily new information outside of Waking the Tiger , but I think revisiting the basics is always a good idea. Each time he shares these fundamentals, it's in a slightly new way. I get something new each time. MORE READING Of course, there's lots more to read on trauma. I have these and others on my Recommended Reading page with links to Amazon. I also regularly post quotes from these book on my Instagram and they live forever in the Highlights section, sorted by author.

How do I find a trauma therapist? This is a question I've been getting a lot recently. And I think it's well justified. You want to find a competent therapist that can work with trauma and the somatic aspects. And in my opinion, one that is polyvagal-informed. It's a lot of pieces, and honestly, not all therapists are going to be able to fit all of these. And obviously, I can't recommend specific therapists for where everyone lives, so here are a couple of tips based on what I would personally do for myself or a loved one if we needed it. 1. See who is providing trauma therapy locally that is also using social media. This is not going to be the norm for therapists. We have a big fear of exposure and tons of ethical and legal considerations, so most of us will shy away from this. A private sector therapist who is making a living off of insurance referrals may not feel the need to market themselves and just stay the course. Regardless, if I were looking for a therapist today, that would probably be my first step. I'd check Psychology Today to see the local listings, then visit all of their websites if they have one, then their social media. Why? Because it's an easy way to vet someone without having to go and pay a fee. You can tell a lot about someone based on their social media. You can get a feel for their personality, while also getting a feel for how they do therapy, while also getting a feel for their level of competence. All of these things should be taken into consideration. A therapist without a strong online presence can of course still be a great therapist. But again, for me, this is my first step. I'd like to meet with someone that I can get a feel for ahead of time. I want to know if someone knows their stuff or not and if they seem like a good personality fit for me. 2. Find a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner in your area. A couple of things about this: SE Professionals are not necessarily psychotherapists. That is not a mandatory requirement. "[The] program is designed to train professionals in working more effectively with client trauma," but this includes medical professionals, massage therapists, yoga instructors and more. SE Professionals in the Somatic Experiencing Directory are not necessarily "Practitioners" - professionals that have completed the entire 3 year training. It also includes SE Professionals in training. Something to be aware of when you're looking. I think working with an SE Professional could be a great alternative to traditional therapy. Or ideally, a therapist that is also an SE Professional. Either way, SE Pros are supposed to be trained to work with many kinds of traumas. This is their field. Their expertise. And it all stems from the incredible work of Peter Levine. If I were looking for a therapist, I would give very serious consideration to this. I've actually looked in my area out of curiosity and was pleasantly surprised that I found a handful nearby. There are other non-therapy methods of getting unstuck from trauma, but this one has me the most interested. I also think things like yoga and meditation might be helpful. But again, not things I'll do for myself most likely. Maybe meditation more than I do now. 3. Do therapy online This might not be the best fit for all people, but it's a potential option. If you search for an online therapist, you might find someone in your state that you wouldn't typically be able to work with. This could open up a lot of new opportunities. There are even online therapy directories, like BetterHelp , Breakthrough and 7 Cups of Tea . 4. Guess and check I like this option the least, but it's an option. The old-fashioned way of just making an appointment with someone that is close, then trying it out. If it doesn't fit, try again with the next therapist. This has a lot of potential drawbacks, but it is an option. And it might be your best one. I'd recommend treating all of your initial sessions as a way to vet the therapist. Rather than just complying with their expectations, tell them yours upfront. Tell them you won't be talking about anything in the first session that you deem to be too much. Tell them you're there to get a sense for how they work and have some questions planned out. Make it known you're assessing them as much as they're assessing you. You could even make these things known on the first phone call, before the first session. In my opinion, a good therapist is going to welcome that. They'll get it and welcome you in with no judgment. If someone balks at the idea, maybe move on. Someone who is truly "trauma-informed" is going to get it. Heck, someone who is looking out for the best interest of potential clients is going to get it, "trauma-informed" or not. Ultimately, a therapist is there to provide a service to you. Just like a restaurant. Just like a plumber. Just like a lawyer. There's nothing special about us. If you're not feeling it with one, you move on to the next. Just like you would with any other profession until you get the service you expect for your money. Like I said, lots of potential drawbacks. But I think the potential of that could be reduced by having your boundaries set before the first contact. I hope this list helps. You deserve to get the help you need. I hope you find it! This is honestly what I would do for myself or a loved one.

BUILDING THE VAGAL BRAKE AS A BASIC GOAL OF PARENTING One of the fundamental responsibilities of being a parent - Building the social engagement system effectively enough to build the child’s self-regulation. They'll be better able to recognize cues of danger Make better relationship choices Make better friendship choices They’ll be less likely to be in places of potential danger or traumatization They’ll be able to handle play with others They can engage without taking things personally They can mobilize and handle the flight/fight energy They’ll be more tolerant to those that are down the ladder More likely to use dialogue as a way to handle situations More likely to use co-regulation as a way to help Individuals in a stuck defensive state are going to have a harder time utilizing their vagal brake and their self-regulation Their social engagement system has been cut off Social engagement system is the vagal brake HOW TO BUILD THE VAGAL BRAKE, v ersus how to change bx or “gain control” Our job, as parents, is to teach and guide, not to dictate how children should live their lives Help them learn to make healthy decisions for themselves, not what WE want them to do Through modeling What we do, what we say, how we say and do it And you know that they are ALWAYS watching They learn way more from what we model than what we say Through play Being safe/social + being mobilized Quick moments throughout the day, silly routines you do with your kids, structured activity (e.g. board game, park) Exercises moving up and down the polyvagal ladder Stronger social engagement = stronger vagal brake Through consequences Doesn’t exactly build the social engagement system, but can possibly build distress tolerance So really, a kid has to have a strong relationship for the consequence structure to be effective Through co-regulation Which is the focus of our next episode WE DON’T CONTROL OUR CHILDREN Important to let go of this idea Will aid in moving forward with everything else we talk about in this series Attempting to control our children only results in negative interactions that will accumulate into a negative relationship When children are born, they very much feel like a part of ourselves. As painful as it might feel to say, they are not. Figuratively, sure. Think of a time you broke a serious house rule Did your parents have control over you? - Nope Think of the last time your child broke one of your rules? Did you have control over them? Or did you just respond to their choice? Logical sense vs emotional acceptance Very challenging But will be very liberating and allow you to be more creative with your parenting We have a ton of influence Music & Sounds by Benjo Beats - https://soundcloud.com/benjobeats

Links are below to many of the things we discuss. Some links are to Amazon where I get a portion of the sale at no extra cost to you. PART 1 / episode 37 THE WORK OF HEALING Medical model doesn’t quite fit when it comes to healing “You wouldn’t start losing weight or becoming better at exercising or eating well and then say, ‘okay, i’ve done it.’ It just doesn’t work that way.” “There are layers and layers and layers and layers and layers within us that we don’t even understand. And there will be new things that come into our world… all these things that we can’t predict. We can learn regulation… but you have to keep going.” “This is long term. It’s life-style. And we’ve treated it like it’s a medical condition that we have to fix.” “Everyone knows they should eat well… Everyone knows ‘I should probably move every day’... But the reason we don’t implement them is not for lack of want or even knowing how. It's the underlying pieces that stop us for whatever reason.” COUPLING DYNAMICS Somatic experiencing concept Physiological state that is separate from neuroception Possible to over and under couple simultaneously Over-coupled - sympathetic charge along with another or a deep shutdown; Tension, tense muscles Under-coupled = Limp, no tone HOW SOMEONE GETS TO BE A KILLER Dr Bruce Perry “Born For Love” - https://amzn.to/2PO3x6i “The Boy Who Was Raised…”- https://amzn.to/2r6pJ0T The Story of Ryan - https://youtu.be/3WI3aUfsNxM The Story of Teddy - https://youtu.be/dNts7T8_Vig Peter Levine “Healing Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes” - https://amzn.to/2WHc7Fj Medical procedures affect us today “No one is born wanting to hurt anybody. It is what occurs to us through our lives and what doesn’t happen.” HOW STATE/TRAUMA IS PASSED ON & MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS “We know now that intergenerational trauma is real.” Practitioners and the vibe they give - “It’s the vibration in their body.” “Most of our parents did not do these conversations.” Parent can respond to a child’s needs, but not know what to do. Parents need to be connected to themselves to be connected to their child and respond to their needs “The environment is king and queen. And all these little nuances of how we’re touched, how we’re spoken to, how we’re not spoken to, how we’re not fed when we’re hungry or how we’re forced to feed when we’re not hungry… they influence our sense of safety, how our physiology works.” “We’re super intelligent when it comes to how we manage and regulate our physiology. But the way we regulate our physiology is often detrimental for our long term physiological and mental health.” PHYSIOLOGICAL DISORDERS & STATE “We’ve seen that someone can have that lack of… safety and it can breed more mental disorders but it could also breed… more physiological disorders.” LIFE FORCE ENERGY “When were born we start to feel our healthy aggression come up. This life force spark that realizes I am a being… there’s energy in my body… this healthy aggression starts to come out. If the parent or the caregiver is not able to see what that is and celebrate it, it gets shut down.” Manipulating the energy takes the child out of the moment Ignoring life force energy is a way to survive in the relationship = true exuberance is shut down and a false self emerges “When you depress one thing, you depress the entire physiology… this isn’t just cognitive.” “To come out of [depression]... you have to rev the system up again. You have to get it comfortable with feeling energy.” interjects/beliefs keep the life force energy from returning Interjects will be found in the physiology at some point DISGUST Disgust leads to self harm and addictive behaviors Build capacity to discuss disgust “They need to understand why that happened. It isn’t your fault. It’s not a genetic defect. It is a long-standing environmental situation brought on by crappy circumstances that were never addressed.” The “why” can help to reduce disgust “You have been in shutdown and this depressed biological state. Coming out of that - unfreezing the system - is going to mean… all this stuff is going to bubble up and we’re going to feel stuff that ain’t that nice.” “Disgust is one of the primal animal emotions. We forget about it.” Disgust signals that the coupling dynamics are becoming finally coupled back together properly. “Ride the tsunami” - to be able to stay with the disgust while also staying connected to the self DISGUST Toxic shame “Bad meat,” rotten, visceral disgust GOOD SHAME AGGRESSION Not bad Sympathetic Needed to get through the day PART 2 / episode 38 HEALTHY SHAME & CONSEQUENCES “Healthy shame is teaching a child what’s right from wrong. It’s what needs to happen so that they stay safe.” Knowing when it’s right or wrong to use aggression Biological sense of what is right and wrong “It instills a biological sense of - ‘This is not right.’ And it has to go into the biology. Because if it doesn’t go into the biology, we will not feel it and we won’t learn the lesson.” “If the upbringing wasn’t... the more perfect situation, then you try to change that when those patterns have been set, it’s gonna be a little of a tug of war.” “The moment the safety comes up, what does it allow the system to do? It allows it to express all the stored stuff that has been in there forever…” HEALTHY AGGRESSION WITH KIDS “If someone is asking that question, then they probably don’t know what it is themselves…” “You as the adult, [you] want to have the capacity to deal with being uncomfortable in the face of an immature nervous system acting out. And if we join with their immaturity, we’re only going to get more immaturity back.” “When someone’s having that meltdown and their being “bad,” how is that triggering our own stuff?” “They actually know. We have to learn from them through the way they play, the way they express, the way they dance, the way they zoom across the park…” Importance of children to have open spaces - to go and come back to build a healthy attachment Parents on phone at park while kids are playing - removal of attention deprives opportunity for the child to build a bond and feel pride Attunements, attachments, allowing them to be free without being overbearing PARENTING “It’s a huge responsibility. It’s the biggest job in the world. Because you’re creating the most complex system in the world.” EMBRACING THE CHANGE & THIS INFORMATION “When people understand the biological pieces… people feel it cellularly when they hear that truth.” We can’t simply learn new information, we also need to put it into place. "We’ve been woken up to this… you have a responsibility to take this information and use it.” "I fully believe in alignment. We do create our fate and we are meant to follow a path. And if a path comes in front of you and you are drawn to it and then - 'I can’t' - you stop the flow of the universe." "That path was given to you for a reason. Yeah, it’s really scary… There’s a lot of people who have already gone down that path and they’re on the other side and they’re like, ‘come here come here.’" “It seems scary at the beginning, but if you do the work properly, with people who understand and you have good support and you know it’s not a quick fix, you’ll get there. And you’ll be that much more liberated.” MIND LEARNING vs NERVOUS SYSTEM “They’re the same. Except for that you have to understand that the nervous system is more than one nervous system.” Autonomic, somatic, gut and brain… “...to be cognitive and use your mind, you have to have the other parts of your nervous system in a regulated state so the mind can function at its highest level possible.” “As far as I know, nobody has been able to figure out where ‘the mind’ is.” “You can’t separate the body from what’s going on in the thoughts… a thought might come up… what happens when you notice that thought…?” “The nervous systems will run the front of the bus if they’re in survival mode.” UNSTUCK vs HEALING “Healing, to me, is either happening or it isn’t… if you are working towards taking care of yourself… you are in the healing zone. You’re turning on your healing DNA.” “Being stuck can occur when you’re on the healing path. It’s what you do with it when it shows up.” Stuck as a lack of flow “Maybe the word we want is ‘regulation.’ because regulation, at the end of the day, are you working toward regulation? Is the system regulated or is it dysregulated?” “Regulation” might be the more accurate word. Are we regulated or dysregulated? NERVOUS SYSTEM & MEDICAL PROBLEMS Yes, healing the nervous system can “fully heal” some medical problems. “I have clients, I have a husband, I have colleagues, myself. I’ve seen people full heal from these things and those people have done a s**t ton of work.” “Yes, you can. But just because you can, doesn’t mean someone will… I have seen people who have gone through the work and done the work. Gone through the motions… sometimes… their psyches will be so strong, that it will override all the good work they’re doing with the physiology.” Dysregulation in the autonomic nervous system = “syndromal representation,” more chronic conditions Autonomic cycling of sympathetic and parasympathetic - “symphony of chaos” within the organs Low tone dorsal vs high tone dorsal and healing “If we get the system back into good regulation, the body actually knows how to heal.” TOOLS TO USE AT HOME vs PUBLIC Depends on the person More activation compared to regular low level dysregulation What are your needs? To connect to someone or to self soothe in isolation, for example Individuals need to know what works for them “What can I do that will help my physiology come down? And that is trial and error and that’s being experimental and curious.” The importance of curiosity “The moment we feel a trigger, we have a very short window of time between that trigger creating more activation or that trigger deactivating.” Curiosity to divert the fear response - “Can you party with that sensation? Have a little party with it.” being curious with it STRESS & EXHAUSTION Parasympathetic to sympathetic Survival energy “That energy, those survival mechanisms take a lot of energy. They’re there for survival.” These should be there “for like 5 seconds.” Adrenaline is fast acting. Chronic defensive states exhaust it, which triggers cortisol, which is a long-acting hormone. This is more efficient. Cortisol is toxic to tissues and brain over time Burnout, adrenal exhaustion, adrenal fatigue Body has given up, no more ‘sympathetic juice’ Education is a first step, then building capacity through reconnecting to the physiology - neurosensory exercises Orienting Following impulses like using the restroom, drinking and sleeping when the impulse is there - entry point into listening to deeper parts of the stress physiology “If you’re in constant flight, fight, freeze, you will burn out.” LACKING EXTERNAL RESOURCES FOR HEALING “Even doing one-on-one work every week for a year, from what I’ve seen is not enough… You have to be practicing when you’re not there.” “Our self awareness to self has to be on all the time… we don’t need it as much as humans because we’re not out in the wild having to be attentive… we get lazy around that. We can actually not pay attention and be okay.” “Can that watching of the show be an embodied experience? As opposed to - ‘I’m doing this to numb out because I don’t want to feel what’s going on.’” “I’ve had people go through my work who are totally well supported… I’ve had people who… can barely make ends meet. The difference… has to do with not only their belief that they can heal… but their capacity to believe that they deserve to heal.” “If their mindset is - ‘I’m going to do this because I really deserve to be well’ - they’ll find a way. I’ve also found that when we get that mentality, things open up.” “If the mind can see the potential, things can open up beyond what we might not even imagine. I think belief is big, but deserving is even bigger.” SMART BODY SMART MIND - https://smartbodysmartmind.com/ Once a year, usually in spring Online group curriculum, 12 weeks Course for life, alumni can join free the next year Group calls, Q&A, Facebook group with team 21 DAY NERVOUS SYSTEM TUNE-UP - https://irenelyon.com/tuneup/ UP & DOWN - https://irenelyon.com/up-down-workshop/ In person event, 3 days Mindful, attentive, calculated

Someone asked me via Instagram DM - Is it possible to co-regulate with a pet? ...I am incapable of trusting/liking/enduring people enough to get to a safe co-regulation situation, so I'm trying to find holes in the system 😅 to be able to heal myself and get unstuck, otherwise I'm screwed 🙄. My dog seems to be my only safe space in the world. YES! It is absolutely possible to co-regulate with a pet. Especially if you have a mammal, let's break this down. What is Co-regulation? Co-regulation is one of the three pillars of the polyvagal theory ,  along with the evolutionary hierarchy of the autonomic nervous system and  neuroception .  Co-regulation happens between two mammals . It's a social interaction that helps to regulate their physiology and thus optimize bodily resources. For example, the parent that gently looks into the eyes of their toddler who is throwing a tantrum. The parent is in their safe and social state, giving cues of safety spontaneously and easily. The child is in a more sympathetic state, highly energized but dysregulated. The parent's safety cues might help that toddler to regulate back into their own safe and social state and to calm down. The child is receiving passive co-regulation versus active self-regulation Why is Being a Mammal Important? It's a mammalian thing though. Because mammals are the only organisms that stay in families and require social engagement to optimize bodily resources. Porges does a better job at explaining though in this short clip - Mammals have a ventral vagal social engagement system. These are biological pathways unique to mammals that allowed for social bonding and an increased chance of survival. These pathways also allowed for the first tiny mammals to be able to hear each other as distinct from the larger reptiles that dominated the world at the time. And allowed for vocalizations that were distinct from those same reptiles. So mammals have our own unique physiology. Those unique pathways give us the ability to signal when we are safe or not. It allows us to be close to each other and provide. It allows us to make families and tribes on top of that. And that includes our mammalian pets, like dogs. They become a part of our families and our larger human tribe(s). Birds and reptiles don't have those same biological pathways. They don't need to co-regulate with each other. There is no social engagement system or facial affect. They are basically constantly in a state of mobilization or immobilization. Our mammalian third autonomic pathways take those older pathways of mobilization and immobilization and repurpose them for connection (and health, growth and restoration). Our biology for pure flight/fight becomes used for play when combined with the safety system. The immobilization pathways becomes a meditative stillness when combined with the safety system. Mammals are unique. Can a dog co-regulate? Hell yeah. And they're really good at it . If you have a dog, you know exactly how they feel. They show it all over their bodies. When they're in a state of safety, they instantaneously get closer to you and cuddle. They look you in the eye. They become more playful. Their tails, ears and eyes all express their safety. Our individual nervous systems pick up on their safety cues, causing a neuroception of safety within us. This safety neuroception helps our own autonomic nervous system to climb up the polyv agal ladder . The co-regulation from a dog or other mammalian pet is just like from another human. It's spontaneous. When we're in our state of safety, we instantaneously give cues of safety to those around us. It's not a conscious, planned thing. It's just something that mammals do passively for each other. I didn't include co-regulation in my Building Safety Anchors course, but this could be a potential anchor for you. If you can purposefully surround yourself with safe mammals, you're going to increase the amount of safety cues coming your way. Safe friends, safe family, safe coworkers and even safe pets. Co-regulation is passive, but you can increase those passive cues and chances for neuroceptions of safety. Do Animals Get Traumatized? As long as you treat your animal well, they are fantastic self-regulators. Animals know what they need. They know how to utilize their flight energy. They know when to be aggressive and use the energy. For the most part, animals don't really get traumatized, especially wild animals. If they were traumatized in the wild, they would make for easy prey. Domestic animals are different. Domestic animals don't have as much space as a wild animal. Domestic animals are confined within the walls of the home or the fence of the yard. There are less opportunities to do their natural instincts, like hunting and digging. And these are the methods they would use to utilize their defensive energy. Instead, they tear up couches and rip up toys. Domestic animals are also living with humans. Humans who are potentially not very good co-regulators. Humans who are not accessing their state of safety. Animals in these homes are potentially being saturated in danger cues from their human family. Combine this with being confined and you have the ingredients for a traumatized animal. Not to mention those that might be downright mistreated. If you're ready to do your own ladder climbing and can commit to 30 days of learning and doing, I've got a great option for you. My Building Safety Anchors course is exactly that. Every day I guide you through a small step that is designed to help you ground yourself more in the present moment, build the strength of your vagal brake and help you get unstuck.

The Polyvagal Theory is complex, especially if you're starting from the primary source - Dr. Stephen Porges. No, he doesn't make it easy to digest. Deb Dana does a great job in translating and I've done my translations through my many pieces of free content. But what if you're a total and utter beginner in the PVT? What are the essential aspects of Porges' Theory? No jargon. No complexity. Just the absolute basics that you can build from. PVT Basic #1 : Biological States of the Body The mammalian body can be said to exist in basically one of three states . (For you PVT Nerds out there, I know. Slow your roll. I'm focusing on the basics for the total beginner here, not the mixed states!) Three states of the Polyvagal Theory: These three states are the result of the body's detection of safety or danger and have specific autonomic biological pathways: Social Engagement - biology that is responsible for your ability to connect with and socially engage with others when safe Flight & Fight - biology that is responsible for your ability to mobilize - to run from or fight off danger Shutdown - biology that is responsible for immobilizing when life is in threat and "play dead" The PVT says that if the underlying biology is not active, then you won't be able to engage in these specific behaviors and the feelings and thoughts that come along with them. For example, if the biology for safety and social engagement is not active, then you won't be able to smile, make eye contact gently or give a hug. On top of that, existing in one state cuts off your ability to use the behaviors of the other states. So if you are in a flight/fight state, then you won't have the ability to socially engage. You also won't have the ability to immobilize. Likewise, if you are in a shutdown state, you'll lack the capacity to mobilize with energy or to connect with others. (Again, I know, PVT Nerds. It's more complex. Calm yourself! Extend your exhale lol) PVT Basic #2 : Biological States of the Body are Unconscious These biological states of the body are activated through unconscious means. The body receives input from its senses, then determines what level of safety or danger or life threat it is under. From there, the body shifts into one of the three basic states. Polyvagal state evolved within us to ensure survival These biological responses evolved within us to increase the chances of survival or bodily functioning. Running or fighting are going to help you survive when in danger. Immobilizing in collapse will help you to survive in life threat. And being in your safety state will optimize bodily resources for "health, growth and restoration," something Dr Porges says often. All of this means that you can't consciously choose your Polyvagal state. Increase the chances of being in your safety state You can, however, increase the chances of being in your safety state through manipulating your environment and creating passive safety cues. You can also do something that increases your feelings of safety, like dancing (barf) or playing with a fidget. You can create a list of safety anchors to use that will help activate that state. And you can definitely practice being in your safety state to increase the strength of those pathways. So there are things you can consciously do to increase the likelihood of being in your safety state, but it's not simply a choice to exist in that state. Stop trying to "hack" And no, it's not as simple as "hacking" or "resetting" or "activating" your vagus nerve. That kind of wording is common in the Polyvagal sphere, with a focus on the nerve itself. This is misleading and creates the impression that one can simply choose to do a certain thing to turn off or on their Polyvagal states. PVT Basic #3 : It's Biology First Polyvagal Theory is a unifying theory The PVT connects to pretty much everything in our experience: thoughts, emotions, sensations, relationships and more. How can this be? Because the PVT is a unifying theory . It takes these domains and provides an underlying explanation. And the explanation is a biological one. Basically, PVT is saying that biological shifts are first. Then, when those shifts happen, they will result in other shifts that might be noticed by the individual. Think of it like a couple dominoes falling. When one domino falls, it hits the other and then that one falls too. The autonomic nervous system is the primary factor The dominoes in the PVT are biological ones. A bit more specifically, they relate to the autonomic nervous system. When the autonomic nervous system makes an adjustment, then feelings, thoughts and behaviors follow. I see other Polyvagal enthusiasts focusing on various "trauma responses" and behavioral-level aspects of the theory. Which is important and valid. But what gets lost is the primary catalyst of those behaviors, which are the biological shifts happening in the autonomic nervous system. Recommended further reading: Polyvagal Intro If this blog has interested you and you're ready to go deeper in your learning, check out my free Polyvagal Intro page to learn more about the essentials of the Polyvagal Theory and be connected to more free resources. Click here for my free Polyvagal Intro > Q&A What are the three ways in which the mammalian body can exist according to the Polyvagal Theory, and what determines which state the body is in? The three states are Social Engagement, Flight & Fight, and Shutdown, and the body's detection of safety or danger determines which state the body is in. Can an individual consciously choose their Polyvagal state, and what can they do to increase their chances of being in the safety state? No, an individual cannot consciously choose their Polyvagal state. However, they can increase their chances of being in the safety state by manipulating their environment and creating passive safety cues, as well as practicing being in the safety state to strengthen those pathways. What does the Polyvagal Theory say about the relationship between biological shifts and other shifts in an individual's experience? The Polyvagal Theory states that biological shifts are first, and when those shifts happen, they will result in other shifts that an individual might notice in their thoughts, emotions, sensations, and behaviors. Quotes from this blog: "The mammalian body can be said to exist in basically one of three states... These three states have specific autonomic biology." "...You can't consciously choose your Polyvagal state... it's not simply a choice to exist in that state." "The PVT connects to pretty much everything in our experience: thoughts, emotions, sensations, relationships and more... When the autonomic nervous system makes an adjustment, then feelings, thoughts and behaviors follow." Author Bio: Justin wrote the book Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm and receives 150k monthly downloads as the host of the Stuck Not Broken podcast. He specializes in treating trauma and helps individuals get "unstuck" from their defensive states as a therapist and coach. Learn what makes Justin different > Contact Justin > Check off what you're learning through the Polyvagal Checklist download below. Join the Stucknaut Collective for free  and gain instant access to a course on trauma recovery, practical Polyvagal Theory resources, and exclusive downloadable tools to support your healing journey.

This is a collection of episodes that compare the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders to the Polyvagal Theory, plus a couple more that I found relevant. Depression and the Polyvagal Theory Anxiety and the Polyvagal Theory Bipolar Disorder and the Polyvagal Theory PTSD and the Polyvagal Theory ADHD and the Polyvagal Theory blog article > Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the Polyvagal Theory Borderline Personality Disorder and the Polyvagal Theory Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the Polyvagal Theory C-PTSD and the Polyvagal Theory Dr. Stephen Porges on Polyvagal Theory and mental health disorders

ADHD is often misunderstood as a static diagnosis, but what if there’s more to it? Could the symptoms of ADHD be linked to the states of our nervous system? In this post, we’ll explore ADHD through the lens of Polyvagal Theory, breaking down how sympathetic arousal might underpin many ADHD behaviors. A Sympathetic Game: Flight, Fight, or Both? When we think of ADHD, terms like inattention , hyperactivity , and impulsivity  come to mind. But these aren’t isolated behaviors—they emerge from our nervous system’s state. As you read, ask yourself: are these behaviors more indicative of a fight  response, a flight  response, or both? Let’s explore the two core symptom clusters: 1. Inattention: Sympathetic Activation or Shutdown? ADHD’s inattention symptoms include: Failing to pay close attention to details. Trouble holding attention on tasks or play. Not listening when spoken to directly. Trouble organizing tasks or activities. From a Polyvagal perspective, inattention could stem from either sympathetic activation  (flight/fight) or shutdown . For example: A flight state might lead to distraction or an inability to focus, driven by hypervigilance. Shutdown, however, presents as a checked-out, dissociative state—often mistaken for “daydreaming.” But ADHD isn’t typically marked by the lethargy of shutdown. Instead, there’s an energy  to ADHD inattention, suggesting a sympathetic root. 2. Hyperactivity and Impulsivity: A Sympathetic Overflow Symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsivity include: Fidgeting or squirming. Leaving seats when it’s inappropriate. Excessive talking or interrupting others. These behaviors clearly suggest sympathetic arousal —a body in flight or fight mode. For instance: Flight might appear as a constant need to move, such as pacing or fidgeting. Fight could manifest in interrupting others or blurting out answers—behaviors tied to impatience or defensiveness. The Polyvagal Ladder: A Guide to Understanding ADHD According to Polyvagal Theory, our nervous system exists along a ladder of states: Safe and Social : Calm, connected, and present. Sympathetic (Flight/Fight) : Energized and activated. Shutdown : Collapsed, disconnected, or dissociative. ADHD behaviors often occur in the  sympathetic zone , where the energy to focus is scattered. When safety and mindfulness are added, this energy can transform into motivation, productivity, creativity, and play . Recommended free resource: Polyvagal Ladder ADHD and Polyvagal Theory: Practical Tips to Help Manage ADHD isn’t just about managing symptoms; it’s about understanding the nervous system. Here’s how mindfulness and movement can help: Fidget with Awareness : Tools like stress balls or infinity cubes can help discharge energy, but the key is mindfulness. Pay attention to how your body feels as you use them. Focus on the sensory experience of fidgeting. Structured Movement : When done mindfully, physical activity can release stuck energy. For example, walking while focusing on the sensation of your feet can ground and calm you. Cues of Safety : Safe environments with supportive co-regulation—like therapy or engaging with a trusted person—can help passively regulate ADHD symptoms. The Role of Co-Regulation in ADHD Cues of safety  can help reduce ADHD symptoms. In therapy, I’ve observed children and adults diagnosed with ADHD calm significantly during sessions, suggesting their environment and co-regulation play a key role in reducing symptoms. Why is this? The cues of safety from the environment and the co-regulation from a therapist activate the ventral vagal safety pathways, reducing the impact of sympathetic activation. ADHD or Sympathetic Arousal? While ADHD is often labeled as a disorder, understanding its connection to Polyvagal Theory opens new pathways for compassion and management. Whether symptoms lean toward flight or fight, mindfulness and safe relationships can help shift behaviors toward a more regulated state. Further reading Complete DSM and Polyvagal Theory episode list Adaptations to a Stuck Polyvagal State Reference American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders , 5th edition. Arlington, VA., American Psychiatric Association, 2013 AD/HD Criteria from the CDC - https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html Author Bio: Justin Sunseri is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Coach who specializes in trauma relief. He hosts the  Stuck Not Broken podcast  and is the author of the Stuck Not Broken book series . Justin is also a member of the Polyvagal Institute's Editorial Board.

**Disclaimer: This information is NOT meant to diagnose. If you feel like you may be experiencing symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder, consult with a mental health or medical professional. I am speaking in generalities. Your specific situation, diagnosis, treatment and medication are entirely between you and your provider. **This is how I am conceptualizing and would begin with a client, but every situation is very different in every way. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER "Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders (OCRDs)," which also includes body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), trichotillomania (hair-pulling disorder), excoriation (skin-picking) disorder, hoarding disorder, substance/medication-induced OCRD, OCRD due to another medical condition, and other specified OCRDs - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24616177 These probably have similarities in polyvagal terms RUMINATION vs OBSESSIONS Obsessions are different than rumination in anxiety - Ruminating is simply repetitively going over a thought or a problem without completion. - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/depression-management-techniques/201604/rumination-problem-in-anxiety-and-depression Basically, rumination means that you continuously think about the various aspects of situations that are upsetting. - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-self-sabotage/201002/rumination-problem-solving-gone-wrong Rumination is : stuck thought due to a stuck state. Stuck flight energy with no direction leads to anxiety which leads to repetitive thinking, searching for a solution but there is none. Because story follows state. Perceived danger trigger or stuck anxious state → Neuroception of danger leads ANS to shift into sympathetic flight energy. → Thoughts change to match. (“Story follows state”) → But there’s no actual danger, so the state gets stuck. Which means the thoughts get stuck as well. Different than an actual danger trigger, then shifting, then using the energy to get to safety Rumination is also grounded in real world events . It’s anxiety placed onto events from the real world, like with the recent coronavirus pandemic. Compare this to an obsessive thought : “I couldn’t do anything without my rituals. They invaded every aspect of my life. Counting really bogged me down. I would wash my hair three times because three was a good luck number for me. It took me longer to read because I’d have to count the lines in a paragraph. When I set my alarm at night, I had to set it to a time that wouldn’t add up to a ‘bad’ number.” “Getting dressed in the morning was tough because I had to follow my routine or I would become very anxious and start getting dressed all over again.” I always worried that if I didn’t follow my routine, my parents were going to die. These thoughts triggered more anxiety and more rituals. Because of the time I spent on rituals, I was unable to do a lot of things that were important to me. I couldn’t seem to overcome them until I got treatment.” https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-when-unwanted-thoughts-take-over/index.shtml An obsessive thought is disruptive of daily life, chronic, attached to a solution. (some links will take you to Amazon where I get a portion of the sale at no extra cost to you.) CRITERIA A: Presence of obsessions, compulsions, or both: Obsessions are defined by (1) and (2): 1. Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or impulses that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and unwanted, and that in most individuals cause marked anxiety or distress. "Persistent thoughts" - "story follows state" ( Deb Dana ) If the state doesn’t change, the story stays The state is persistent, so the story is persistent But to a much higher degree than a ruminating thought Intense thoughts from intense stuck energy Persistent urges/impulses this seems like it should be under Compulsions since there is a somatic element of doing Extreme sympathetic flight/fight energy, probably freeze Critical thinking is not available when in a severe defensive state All or nothing thinking Also seems to be an element of shutdown , which would be present in freeze Thoughts are from the outside, perhaps a disconnection from the self when immobilized with sympathetic energy 2.The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion). Judgment and evaluation, rather than being with the self in the present moment Not easy in this situation and I generally don’t recommend crisis management as the only tx option Attempt to ignore, neutralize or suppress That’s part of the problem! Our general somatic experiences need to be felt, witnessed, noticed, loved, embraced and allow to go through their process. It’s the opposite of ignoring, neutralizing or suppressing I’m not exactly recommending the person dx’d with OCD to just sit with their feelings, it might be too much, but it’s something that can be worked towards Flight/panic energy → Do this thing, so something in the future doesn’t happen = future oriented, anxious/panicky We need to be in the present moment both physically and mentally Physical bodies are always in the present moment, we need our emotional and cognitive selves to be in the present moment also Compulsions are defined by (1) and (2): 1. Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly. Rules = control When in flight/panic, we need things to be definite, predictable Rules can be a part of this - predictability, order Misdirected energy There is an urge to do something to relieve the distress We all do this on some level, like working out, tapping our feet, grinding our teeth But we have to do so mindfully for the energy to actually discharge The rules create a channel for the energy, but not an exit Like a pipe that feeds right back into itself There may be a sense of momentary completion, but not of relief or actual energy discharge 2.The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent, or are clearly excessive. Preventing or reducing anxiety or distress Versus welcoming the underlying body sensations Anxiety or distress are conscious experiences, but there’s more underneath But we have to be in the moment to access that. With obsessions, it’s about the future, preventing something... Preventing some dreaded event or situation Again the difference between and anxious rumination and OCD reality-based thoughts CRITERIA D. The disturbance is not better explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder (e.g., excessive worries, as in generalized anxiety disorder; preoccupation with appearance, as in body dysmorphic disorder; difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, as in hoarding disorder; hair pulling, as in trichotillomania [hair-pulling disorder]; skin picking, as in excoriation [skin-picking] disorder; stereotypies, as in stereotypic movement disorder; ritualized eating behavior, as in eating disorders; preoccupation with substances or gambling, as in substance-related and addictive disorders; preoccupation with having an illness, as in illness anxiety disorder; sexual urges or fantasies, as in paraphilic disorders; impulses, as in disruptive, impulse-control, and conduct disorders; guilty ruminations, as in major depressive disorder; thought insertion or delusional preoccupations, as in schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders; or repetitive patterns of behavior, as in autism spectrum disorder). Yet comorbidity is common: Depression being the most common comorbidity MDD is 10x more prevalent in OCD clients than general population https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3243905/ “depressive symptoms seem to be more strongly associated with obsessive than with compulsive symptoms” Also much higher in Bipolar Disorder clients than general population Suggesting the element of shutdown, which is present in freeze as well Specify if: With good or fair insight : The individual recognizes that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are definitely or probably not true or that they may or may not be true. Reminds me of someone who is doing some level of their own work, whatever that looks like Part of the problem of insight based therapy without the somatic pieces attached to it So they get it on some level, but their stories persist, due to a stuck state With poor insight: The individual thinks obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are probably true. With absent insight/delusional beliefs : The individual is completely convinced that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are true. HOMEWORK - Practice being in the moment outside of a crisis Focus on the thing that brings you joy, peace, connection or calm MESSAGE FROM A SUPER FAN I’ve just said to my 9 year old daughter, ‘we’re going to listen to Brene today whilst we’re building the desks.’ Her reply, ‘ah why can we not listen to the guy. I like him better.’ Turns out she was talking about you. Shrug emoji, laugh emoji, orange heart emoji -Anonymous

I have recently become pretty much in love with fidgets. I know they look like they're toys... and, well, they are. But they're more than that! And they're just as valuable for kiddos as they are for adults. (Some links will take you to my Amazon Influencer store, where I get a portion of the sale at no extra cost to you.) We All Fidget Already So you know how you probably do something without being consciously aware of it? Okay, maybe not, since you're not consciously aware of it. But I'm talking about stuff like chewing your nails, tapping your foot/leg, clicking a pen, rolling your fingertips on the table or grinding your teeth. These are all movements that we do because there's some level of sympathetic charge within us. It's probably a mild level of flight/fight energy that comes along with being still too long (especially during a boring meeting. Which they all are). Or maybe we've got that energy stuck within us and it's attempting to discharge. Or maybe it's returning - your body being in a shutdown state and not having access to the energy previously. Either way, it's there, no matter what path that takes. When it comes to fidgets, these can be helpful during a meeting that's absolutely numbing your mind. Or for kids in a classroom that have a truly difficult time with being still. But they're also useful as a way to release some of that flight/fight energy, like an aid to meditation. If you've got a fidget and the time, you can fidget with a purpose and learn more about yourself with some curiosity. If you don't have a fidget, I've got some collected in my Amazon Influencer store. Fidget With a Purpose Fidgets are handy for having a purpose to the movement. It's an opportunity to consciously point that energy in a single direction. But the key here is to bring the conscious awareness to it. The mindfulness. If you can notice that energy on a more aware level, while it does its thing, you may notice some shifts happen. Breathing may become easier. More energy may emerge or go through. At least, that's what I have found for myself and the students I work with. When I really focus on the physical sensation of a fidget, those shifts happen. Same with my therapy clients. Don't just fidget with the fidgets. Have a purpose. I recommend first starting with the external senses. Like noticing the textures of the fidgets. The colors. The shapes. Then move to the internal sensations, like how your muscles feel when gripping them. And then how your breathing might change as you fidget. And then notice what thoughts pop into your mind. Memories or imaginings. As that physical stuff does its work, your thoughts are going to follow along with it and make some shifts of their own ("Story follows state." - Deb Dana ) Fidget With Curiosity And this is key. We can't enter into some mindful fidgetyness from a place of evaluation. Allow yourself to be curious. Not judgmental . Go in with an expectation of learning. Like you're entering a class that you're super excited about being a part of. And the best part of this class is there is no grade. You're just there to learn. But it's also okay to experiment. I think it's a great idea, actually. To hold these fidgets and do mini experiments. There is no right way to fidget. So when you hold something like this rubber ring , try to squeeze it with one hand, then pull it from both of your hands, then use both your hands and wring it like you're squeezing out water from a washrag. And then do whatever else pops into your head. And you might find that one of those ways feels more grounding or releasing than the others. And congrats, you've learned something new about yourself and what your nervous system likes. Everyone Fidgets Differently You can probably guess that the way one person works with a fidget is going to be super different from the next person. So when I use those rubber rings, I like to pull on them. But for many of my clients, when I recommend they do the same, they don't like it. It's not what they need. Same with the infinity cube - I love folding and unfolding it. But I get clients who try the same and are like, "That's it?" It just isn't for them, at least in that way. But come from a place of curiosity and you'll learn what works for you and what doesn't. There's one more level to make things more complex too.. We Fidget Based on State The energy that we have is going to be based on the polyvagal state that we are in. If we're in a flight energy place, the fidgeting might be more anxious and nervous. If we're in a fight place, it might be more tense, rigid and aggressive. And if we're shutdown, there might not be a whole lot of fidgeting going on at all. I pull on the rubber rings when I'm in more of an aggressive place and need to use my upper muscles in my chest and shoulders and arms. When my clients attempt to use them when they are in their fight state, they get worried about breaking it. I encourage them to try to break it and assure them if they do, it's okay. (No one has been able to break it so far.) But when I'm in a shutdown place, that same aggressive pull movement isn't helpful for me. I find that my clients who are in an anxious flight energy tend to gravitate toward things that are more challenging cognitively, like a Rubix cube , infinity cube , fidget cube , whatever these things are called or this ridiculously cool pen . Point Being Point being, we all fidget differently. And the most helpful fidgeting is probably going to be based on what state we are in, combined with the right fidget and then combined with mindfulness. And also combined with being in a safe environment. Therapy can be a great opportunity to do this, wile processing what comes up for you. But I also think doing so in your own private time and space is fine as well.

I don't exactly have the best of news on this one, but I have to be honest, as best I understand it. You can't change your parents. You don't control that. You can't change anyone, really. Anyone. Except for yourself, I suppose. That limitation is our bumper lane. We have to stay within those bumpers, or else we end up in the gutter of trying (and failing) to change someone. Still, though, you're dealing with a parent (or anyone) in a defensive state. That means they are stuck in a shut down and disconnected place, or a sympathetic angry or avoidant place. They don't have access to their safe and social system. This can be tremendously frustrating, painful, depressing, hurtful, rejecting and more. Take your pick, am I right? First thing is to work on you. Make sure you're in your best state, with as much of an anchor in safety and sociability as you can. If you're not there yet, that's your task. That's it. Once you get a stronger anchor in safe/social, the rest of this is going to make more sense and be more doable. When approaching a parent in their own defensive state, it needs to come from love. From curiosity. From compassion. Not from wanting to change them. Not from an agenda. If your motivation to reach out to a parent in a defensive state has something to do with, "I need them to..." or "If they would just..." or "Why won't they...?" , then you've probably got an agenda. That's not what curiosity sounds like. Nor compassion. Someone in their own safe/social system doesn't need something along those lines from someone else. They don't need anyone else to change , because they're already in a good place and they know that their own happiness is not dependent upon someone else's. If they find another to be toxic, they create distance, listening to their cues of danger they're picking up on. If they find another to be toxic, they create boundaries until it's safe. Until that person becomes safe to be around again. "I'm in a good place and I would love for you to join me, but you don't have to and I respect that" is what compassion sounds like to me. That sentiment has nothing to do with changing someone and is fully respectful of the other person's choices they make for their own life. When reaching out to a parent in a stuck defensive state, it may be helpful to look at it as an opportunity to make a brand new connection. As a new relationship without an agenda. Like with any new relationship, you'll be sensitive to potential danger cues. You won't give away too much or take too much either. Does this mean you somehow forget about any pains that this parent may have caused you? No, I don't think so. I think it's always important to honor our pasts. Your parent is probably the same person. Time doesn't necessarily change someone and we can exist in our states for a very, very long time. They're probably the same. But you're not. You may have a stronger safety anchor now. Or healthier boundaries. So when I say it may help to start over, that's what I mean. You're a different person. You see the world differently. You're more confident, self-assured, feel more connection. You're bringing this new version of you to your parent who is stuck. You're reintroducing yourself in a way. They're going to get to know you (if you allow it) and you're going to get to know them. We don’t control others. We can’t fix others. But we can be well. We can insist on it for our own sake. Insist on it , just for you, just for yourself. Or out loud if you need to. Put yourself first. You need to be the best version of yourself. Only then are you able to make stronger connections for your own children, to function better at work or have a healthier romantic relationship. All of these depend on you being the best you. You don't control your parent in a stuck state, but they don't control you either. No one does. Creating boundaries doesn't mean you're ending a relationship. To me, it's physical and emotional distance to create some safety for ourselves. It's not a complete disconnection (unless it needs to be) - just some distance. And the great news is that someone can earn their way back into our boundaries. If they're healthy, safe and making positive choices in their life, they might be able to earn that back. Be available for a loving relationship if you’re available for a loving relationship. Don't force it. You don't owe anything to them or anyone else. Stuck parents might use guilt, shame or blame to get you out of your healthy place. Trust yourself, enlist some support from someone else in their safety state. Trust in those danger cues your nervous system tells you about - check your gut, check your breathing, muscle tension and heart rate. It's difficult to create boundaries, especially when it comes to parents. But we're supposed to do this in adolescence. We're supposed to be working toward independence. Not all parents allow this process to happen. But it's supposed to. That's what we're wired to do. So you might not have done so during this time, but it's not too late. You're just a little late to the game, but you've arrived! You'll still love your parents. That doesn't have to change. But it might look different. You may love them so much that you're not willing to be a part of their defensive state anymore. You may love them so much that you're willing to be infinitely patient, without putting your life and well-being on hold.