BUILDING THE VAGAL BRAKE AS A BASIC GOAL OF PARENTING
One of the fundamental responsibilities of being a parent - Building the social engagement system effectively enough to build the child’s self-regulation.
They'll be better able to recognize cues of danger
Make better relationship choices
Make better friendship choices
They’ll be less likely to be in places of potential danger or traumatization
They’ll be able to handle play with others
They can engage without taking things personally
They can mobilize and handle the flight/fight energy
They’ll be more tolerant to those that are down the ladder
More likely to use dialogue as a way to handle situations
More likely to use co-regulation as a way to help
Individuals in a stuck defensive state are going to have a harder time utilizing their vagal brake and their self-regulation
Their social engagement system has been cut off
Social engagement system is the vagal brake
HOW TO BUILD THE VAGAL BRAKE, versus how to change bx or “gain control”
Our job, as parents, is to teach and guide, not to dictate how children should live their lives
Help them learn to make healthy decisions for themselves, not what WE want them to do
Through modeling
What we do, what we say, how we say and do it
And you know that they are ALWAYS watching
They learn way more from what we model than what we say
Through play
Being safe/social + being mobilized
Quick moments throughout the day, silly routines you do with your kids, structured activity (e.g. board game, park)
Exercises moving up and down the polyvagal ladder
Stronger social engagement = stronger vagal brake
Through consequences
Doesn’t exactly build the social engagement system, but can possibly build distress tolerance
So really, a kid has to have a strong relationship for the consequence structure to be effective
Through co-regulation
Which is the focus of our next episode
WE DON’T CONTROL OUR CHILDREN
Important to let go of this idea
Will aid in moving forward with everything else we talk about in this series
Attempting to control our children only results in negative interactions that will accumulate into a negative relationship
When children are born, they very much feel like a part of ourselves. As painful as it might feel to say, they are not. Figuratively, sure.
Think of a time you broke a serious house rule
Did your parents have control over you? - Nope
Think of the last time your child broke one of your rules? Did you have control over them? Or did you just respond to their choice?
Logical sense vs emotional acceptance
Very challenging
But will be very liberating and allow you to be more creative with your parenting
We have a ton of influence
Music & Sounds by Benjo Beats - https://soundcloud.com/benjobeats