Shame, Anger, and Pendulation: The Essential Role of Building Safety in Trauma Recovery

Recently, I received a thoughtful question from a listener named Katie. She asked about the relationship between shame and anger, and how to work with these emotions in a way that aligns with Polyvagal Theory, especially regarding building safety in trauma recovery.

More specifically, she was wondering if the recommendation from a psychology teacher is Polyvagal-informed or not...

Here's the core of her question:

Is it possible to pendulate between dorsal vagal and sympathetic states?

Can We Pendulate Between Dorsal Vagal and Sympathetic States?

Let’s pause here and define these terms in very simple, one-dimensional terms:

• Dorsal Vagal State: This corresponds with "shutdown." It’s a limp collapse (as opposed to freeze), often described as playing dead. Our body enters this state when it perceives a life-threatening scenario, and neither fight nor flight is effective or possible.

• Sympathetic State: This includes the "flight and fight" responses. Here, we mobilize energy to either run away or become aggressive to deal with a danger.

Katie continued with the context for her question:

I ask because one of your teachers (who’s not working in a Polyvagal Theory framework) suggested that anger is the most powerful antidote to shame, and they suggested an exercise in which one would move back and forth between the feeling of shame and the feeling of anger so the two feelings could ‘touch.'

The Problem with Pendulating Between Shame and Anger Without Safety

This suggestion from Katie’s teacher is concerning to me. Here’s why:

When therapists, coaches, or anyone in the wellness sphere offers advice, they are (hopefully) coming from a well-regulated place. They have empathy, compassion, healthy boundaries, and critical thinking skills. They can look at a problem and say, "Well, I can feel into my shame and collapse, and handle both of those things, perhaps even making them 'touch.'"

The problem is that our clients, or individuals seeking help, are often not in a well-regulated place. That’s why they’re seeking support.

If someone comes in lacking self-regulation skills, asking them to dive into difficult states without sufficient groundwork is not realistic. This highlights a crucial point in building safety in trauma recovery: the individual's current capacity for regulation must always be considered to avoid retraumatization.

To ask someone to do a really difficult skill like pendulation—especially between two very difficult experiences like shame and anger—is not realistic and, likely, dysregulating or re-traumatizing.

The teacher's recommendation overlooks the fundamental step of building safety in trauma recovery before engaging with intense emotions.

What Is Pendulation—Really?

Pendulation involves gently shifting between a felt sense of safety and a manageable state of defensive activation. The key is that you only explore difficult emotions when you’re anchored in a strong sense of safety.

Key tips for pendulating successfully:

• Start Pendulation with Safety: Before exploring shame, anger, or shutdown, anchor yourself in safety.

• Explore Defensive Activation Gradually: Once you’re anchored in safety, you can gently notice whatever defensive state is most present. If you can handle that, then you can permit deeper held defensive activation as your safety state allows.

• Return to Safety as Needed: If you start to feel overwhelmed, simply return to your safety anchor. The process is slow and titrated, not forced.

Asking someone to pendulate between shame and shutdown without first having that anchoring in safety is not realistic. While it might work for a well-regulated individual who can tolerate that level of activation, for someone in a dysregulated, traumatized state, it's not advisable.

Shame may be the most difficut emotion to feel into. It's held deeply in the body and will connect with other highly difficult emotions, like:

• alone

• rejected

• abandoned

• worthless

• digust

Why “Anger as an Antidote to Shame” Can Be Misleading

Katie mentioned her teacher suggested starting with anger, then calling up shame, then moving back and forth. She then shared her experience:

I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to do this exercise. And I’m wondering how to explain what might not be working for me in terms of the autonomic nervous system. I can call upon anger, but moving from that into shame feels like such a downregulation that I can’t hang on to any of the anger while in a shame state.

Katie, your experience is completely understandable, and it's not because you are broken or defective. This is a very tall order for anyone. In part, due to the difficulty of feeling shame. But also, due to the lack of safety activation.

Anger vs Empowerment

There’s a significant difference between raw anger and empowerment.

When we are simply angry, we are often not curious, self-compassionate, or even aware of our underlying safety (or lack thereof). This kind of anger is dysregulated and doesn't foster self-reflection or healing.

However, when we have an anchoring in safety first, and then welcome some anger, and pendulate between the two, something transformative happens: it turns into empowerment.

This empowered mixed state, while it may have a bit of fight activation, is deeply anchored in safety.

This state is huge for setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. It opens up skills like:

• Say “no” clearly and confidently.

• Have clear and positive expectations for yourself and others.

• Speak up for yourself effectively.

From this empowered state, you might be able to gently approach shame, but the integral piece is the safety activation that balances and transforms the anger. Perhaps this is what the teacher was referring to?

A Polyvagal-Informed Approach to Shame, Angerm and Building Safety in Trauma Recovery

If you're willing to help me reframe the trouble I'm having with this exercise in Polyvagal terms, I'd be grateful. Or is there a more Polyvagal informed version of working specifically with anger and shame that you might suggest?

The Polyvagal-informed piece of this problem is to ensure a strong anchoring in the safety state first and foremost. The safety state will dictate how much one can handle.

As one loses access to safety, defensive activation increases. At that point, I recommend pausing the exercise and re-anchoring into safety again.

Pendulation isn't a Polyvagal-specific technique. It's something I use extensibely within the Unstucking Academy, but it's also a component of Somatic Experiencing and other methods, I'm sure.

I know people want to feel into and relieve their stuck defensive states, but the priority is starting in safety, ending in safety, and maintaining safety while pendulating. This is crucial to avoid dysregulation and retraumatization.

If your safety state comes offline, your body can feel like it's back in a very scary moment from the past, or it can experience a whole new level of dysregulation in the present, which is not helpful and will likely dissuade you from trying again.

Pendulation, in the Unstucking Academy, is an advanced skill. Before someone is ready for pendulation, I recommend they be able to:

1. Anchor into safety.

2. Validate their experience.

3. Normalize what they’re going through.

4. Engage in "imagery and invitation" (a way to gently approach difficult sensations).

5. Balance defensive activation.

6. Identify "obstacles" as they surface

7. Maintain their safety state through the above.

From a well-regulated place, it’s easy to say, "Just do this skill" or "Feel into your anger and shame." But for clients, remember that many people are starting from zero, or even undoing unhelpful past learnings. The goal is small, incremental steps.

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The Unstucking Academy

We do things differently in the Unstucking Academy.

The Academy is a small community, limited to 150 people, as I want to maintain a cozy and personal atmosphere. It’s designed for the layperson—for anyone who is really tired of the psychobabble and woo-woo and just wants to get unstuck.

Instead of a mountain of courses to figure out, there’s one clear Pathway. This Pathway takes you from learning Polyvagal Theory very simply to advanced practices like pendulation, but always in small, digestible steps.

• Short, Actionable Lessons: Video lessons are often under 10 minutes each, making them easy to absorb without feeling overwhelmed.

• Micro Mindfulness Practices: We focus on small, practical applications.

• Guided Practice to Mastery: It's not just "here's a lesson, good luck." Each lesson is followed by light practice, then guided practice with me, and finally, the opportunity to try it on your own. If you’re not ready, you go back to the guided practice until you master the skill.

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Takeaway Quotes from this Blog

If someone comes [to therapy] lacking self-regulation skills, lacking a history of co-regulation, or lacking the ability to look inward and be curious about their feelings, asking them to feel into their shutdown state, and talk about or think about their shame is not realistic. It is potentially retraumatizing.

Pendulation involves gently shifting between a felt sense of safety and a manageable state of defensive activation. The key is that you only explore difficult emotions when you’re anchored in a strong sense of safety.

...ensure a strong anchoring in the safety state first and foremost. The safety state will dictate how much one can handle.

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Author Bio:

Justin Sunseri is a licensed Therapist and Coach specializing in trauma relief. He hosts the Stuck Not Broken podcast and authored the Stuck Not Broken book series. Justin is passionate about the Polyvagal Theory and proudly serves on the Polyvagal Institute's Editorial Board. He specializes in treating trauma and helps individuals get "unstuck" from their defensive states.