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I have a brief lesson on why it's dangerous to confuse freeze and shutdown of the Polyvagal Theory. And after that, I have a video quiz for you to test your ability to spot the difference. Why this confusion is important Freeze and shutdown of the Polyvagal Theory both refer to immobilization. Yes. But the flavor of immobilization is very different. This is important when it comes to therapy or working on your own process of getting unstuck from trauma. The flavor of your immobilization is going to affect what getting unstuck looks like for you. The intensity of freeze could benefit from active fidgeting, while the slowness of shutdown could benefit from being immobile in an environment with reduced stimulation. Immobility and freeze don't go well together unless you are capable of tolerating the frozen flight/fight energy. That is, unless you can tolerate the experience of fear. As a therapist, it will affect what interventions I implement with my clients as well. With someone in shutdown, I allow more time and quiet and stillness. With someone in a panicky freeze, I am more talkative and directive as they ground themselves. From shutdown, you need to allow flight/fight energy back into your system. From freeze, flight/fight energy needs to be discharged. Shutdown immobilization needs to be allowed and slowly come out of. Freeze immobilization is experienced as fear and needs to be thawed through titration and pendulation. The experience of these two states is different and so is the path of getting unstuck. You're maybe in the phase of learning about the Polyvagal Theory, so this is probably too far down the road for you. But I designed the third phase of my Polyvagal Trauma Relief System with this key difference in mind. Coming out of shutdown and freeze are not the same thing. If you're brand new to this Polyvagal stuff, I don't recommend jumping to the third phase of my System. You're probably a better fit for Polyvagal 101, which is the first phase. Click the link below for more information. Click here to learn more about Polyvagal 101 > Freeze or shutdown video quiz I also thought you might like this. It's a little video quiz for you to see if you can decipher freeze vs shutdown. Check off what you're learning through the Polyvagal Checklist download below. Join the Stucknaut Collective for free  and gain instant access to a course on trauma recovery, practical Polyvagal Theory resources, and exclusive downloadable tools to support your healing journey.

The defensive autonomic states are usually how people get introduced to the Polyvagal Theory. And I think tend to be the focus. But the safety state should be the area that you spend more time on and learn more about. It's also an aspect of the Theory that you can take action on. What is Polyvagal Safety? Polyvagal safety is a reference to biology first and foremost. In the PVT, we are discussing biology. Not simply feelings. Not just “trauma responses.” But biology. Polyvagal safety refers to the ventral vagal pathways of the autonomic nervous system. Why Polyvagal Safety is Important When active, these ventral vagal pathways result in your ability to connect with yourself and with others. They allow you to socially engage and provide cues of safety to another, a Polyvagal process called "co-regulation". When you’re in your safety state, you can then do things like: smile genuinely use vocal prosody make eye crinkles from listening or smiling get close physically to another You'll also be able to use a couple of Polyvagal mixed states - play and stillness. Meaning, you can mobilize while socially engaged in play and/or you can immobilize without fear in stillness. If the safety state is not active, then these mixed states and their resulting behaviors and experiences are not possible. Of course, you can learn a lot more about the Polyvagal Theory in my Polyvagal 101 course. It covers the essentials of the Polyvagal Theory in a self-paced course. Everything you need to know, all in one place, in less time. Click here to learn more about Polyvagal 101 > Accessing Polyvagal Safety Accessing your Polyvagal state of safety is not simply a choice that you make. Remember, it is essentially a biological process. The biology for safety needs to be active and this is done through neuroception . Essentially, this is the autonomic nervous system's process for unconsciously detecting safety or danger in the environment, then shifting to the appropriate autonomic state: connection, mobilization or immobilization. You need a couple basic things to neurocept safety: Environmental safety - You need literal safety. To be free from actual danger to your person. This also includes a more subtle form of "safety," which involves passive cues of safety from the environment. Things like the hums of electronics, loud sounds, harsh lighting and crowded spaces will all give you cues of danger, even though they are not literally dangerous. Interpersonal safety - Again, literal safety. To be free from danger from others. But it's more than that. This involves receiving co-regulative cues of safety from others. Smiles, eye crinkles, vocal prosody, you get the idea... Having these two pieces are essential to accessing the Polyvagal state of safety and social engagement. However, it may not be that simple. (Duh, right?) Building Polyvagal Safety I started this blog by saying that learning the safety state is the next step after being introduced to the Polyvagal Theory. I say that because it's also the aspect of the PVT that you can take action on immediately. The safety state needs to be exercised, just like anything else. Through exercising it, you build the strength of the ventral vagal safety pathways. This builds the strength of your "vagal brake," which is the influence of the social engagement system on the heart, keeping it at a calmer pace and keeping the flight/fight sympathetic state from activating. Polyvagal safety is not something to be used. It's something to be developed. It's not something you can make a conscious choice to turn off or on. You can definitely increase the chances of your safety state being active. You can do so through creating passive safety cues for yourself in your environment. In my Building Safety Anchors course, this is the starting point. Creating environmental safety cues. From there, you can then create active safety cues. These would be activities that you can do, like mindfully using your senses or movement, to feel more safety in your system. If you can mindfully do so, you can then exercise and increase the safety pathways. Be patient with yourself Be as mindful of what helps you to access your safety state as you can. It'll feel like connection with yourself or with others. It'll feel more like being grounded in the present moment and more awareness of your senses. You will be more curious than evaluative. Building the safety state is a long process. Be patient with yourself. Check off what you're learning through the Polyvagal Checklist download below. Join the Stucknaut Collective for free  and gain instant access to a course on trauma recovery, practical Polyvagal Theory resources, and exclusive downloadable tools to support your healing journey.

You know the Polyvagal Theory has direct understandings and implications for trauma. And you know that the PVT describes the mammalian body's potential for accessing safety or danger states. But did you know that a traumatized person has significant difficulties with being able to access their safety state? And do you know why? What trauma is. Briefly. In Polyvagal terms, trauma is being stuck in a defensive state. (See? Brief explanation of trauma.) Safety is a challenge for a traumatized person If you're stuck in a defensive state, then you're obviously going to have difficulty accessing safety. Otherwise, if you could access safety, then you wouldn't be stuck. I don't know if that's you or not, Fellow Stucknaut, but I hear this often from listeners of the podcast . Those pathways may not be developed enough for safety. Not yet. Feeling your safety state might be uncomfortable, bringing things like feeling trust and vulnerability along with it. In therapy , my clients will often get to their safety state and then feel new things, like vulnerability. But it's uncomfortable - at first. They look at me and make eye contact, then look away as they lose access to their safety state. And that's totally okay. It's part of the process of coming out of a traumatized state. As their safety state increases, they will be able to extend their eye contact with me naturally. For the traumatized individual, accessing safety even once might be a major obstacle. But accessing it repeatedly and building the strength of those safety pathways can feel like an insurmountable obstacle. I can help to guide you if this describes you. I built a course for you, that should be taken after Polyvagal 101 . It's all about building the strength of your vagal brake. The course is called Building Safety Anchors. Click here to learn more about Building Safety Anchors > Desperation for change You may have a level of desperation you're feeling. Again, completely okay. But that desperation stems from a stuck defensive state. Like freeze possibly. It's desperation for change. For relief. For lessening or even obliteration of the pain that you're in. This desperation can be harnessed and utilized eventually, but that requires a stronger vagal brake. So your desperation for change might be at odds with your need for safety development, which might be your next step. You can't make the change you're desperate for without the safety state being prepared for it. There is hope! Luckily, it's entirely possible to reduce the intensity of your stuck defensive state and to also increase the strength of your safety state. The two actually go together. As you develop the strength of your safety state, then the intensity of the defensive state reduces. Focus on identifying what helps you to feel as grounded in your body in curiosity as you can. It may not be time to delve into the stuck defensive state. That day may come, but first, working on your capacity for safety might be what you need. There is definitely hope. Check off what you're learning through the Polyvagal Checklist download below. Join the Stucknaut Collective for free  and gain instant access to a course on trauma recovery, practical Polyvagal Theory resources, and exclusive downloadable tools to support your healing journey.

I think when people first get interested in the Polyvagal Theory , they're looking for answers. They want to know what to do with their trauma. They want relief and they want to make change. They find the theory and see there is some avenue for learning and applying new knowledge. They want to identify their stuck defensive state and then climb their Polyvagal ladder into their safety state. And yeah, I totally get it. Of course. And yes, the PVT can provide some insight into these things. It can, but it's also not prescriptive. It's science, not therapy. It's knowledge, not medicine. It's research, not technique. The real benefit to learning the PVT Really, the immediate and potential lasting impact of the PVT is applying it to yourself. When you do that, it opens the potential for you to create a new narrative for yourself. A new story of your past. Before PVT, you might be looking at past events and blaming yourself . Saying, "Why didn't I do this" or "Why did I have to do that?" After learning PVT, you might instead be able to realize, "Oh, I was stuck in a freeze state and that's why I didn't do that." Along with that blame, you might be shaming and judging yourself . "I'm so stupid, why didn't I..." and "I knew it, I'm unlovable and not worth anything, that's why..." After learning the PVT, you might realize that the people in your life - even your parent(s) - are working from their own stuck defensive state and were not able to care for you the way that you needed and deserved. And maybe that's still true for them. Allow the learning to settle I know you might be wanting to recover from trauma and ready to take the next steps. I've got you covered through my Polyvagal Trauma Relief System. Click here to learn more about the Polyvagal Trauma Relief System > But before that, allow your Polyvagal learning to really settle. And by that, I mean to take your time, learn it as deeply as you can and don't try to do anything with it quite yet. Besides learn and sit with your learning. Once you think you understand it well enough, what you can do next is apply the knowledge to yourself in your present moment. Not the past; not yet. Just focus on the here and now and apply this knowledge to yourself with as much curiosity as you can. When you're ready to, then apply the PVT knowledge to your past as you can handle it. Build that new narrative of yourself through the lens of the Polyvagal Theory. I have some prompts for you below. Don't answer these unless you think you can handle it. It's totally okay to come back to this point when you are ready. New past narrative prompts Here are some prompts to help you develop that new narrative of your past: How much access did you have to your safety state? Was it realistic to be able to develop your safety state in that context? How much access did other people have to their safety state? Is it possible that you had to exist in a defensive state in that context? Is it possible you existed in a defensive state to get your needs met? Do you think your body actually did its job by putting you into a defensive state in that context? Do you think that you had an impulse to connect with others in safety that maybe could not be returned by them? For all this to really click, you must have a clear understanding of the Polyvagal Theory and how it connects to trauma. My Polyvagal 101 course gets you from Polyvagal confusion to Polyvagal clarity . With my simple but solid Polyvagal education in place, you can then begin to apply it to yourself and build your new, judgment and shame-free narrative. Click here to learn more about Polyvagal 101 > Check off what you're learning through the Polyvagal Checklist download below. Join the Stucknaut Collective for free  and gain instant access to a course on trauma recovery, practical Polyvagal Theory resources, and exclusive downloadable tools to support your healing journey.

One of the things that may be keeping you stuck in an uncomfortable emotion is that you are not giving it permission to exist. You may be repressing it in some way, which is understandable. But this coping tactic can only last so long and makes things worse. What to expect in this blog: I want to teach you the third step in my 3 Top-Down Self-regulation openers. This comes after validation and normalization. I will do a brief review of the first two, then teach you about giving yourself permission to have your emotion(s). Jump to a section: give your emotions permission to exist 3 top-down self-regulation openers why would you give them permisson? examples of giving your emotions permission to exist using your imagination to give permission if giving permission is too difficult after allowing your emotions to be present Give your emotion(s) permission to exist. To feel your feelings, you first need to give them permission to exist. "Giving permission" simply means that you are allowing your emotion to be with you in the present moment. This means that you do not minimize, deny, excuse, ignore or any other sort of reflexive cognitive adaptation to reduce the intensity of your emotion. You are absolutely not the only person to engage in this type of coping. It's actually very common, probably something we all do on some level. Changing your emotional state from the brain to the body It's possible to shift your emotional state from the bottom-up or from the top-down, meaning from the body to the brain or the brain to the body. This can be helped with top-down self-regulation openers. 3 Top-Down Self-Regulation Openers These 3 steps help to open the path for shifting your emotions. They lay the groundwork for further techniques you can use and also soften the intensity of the negative emotions you are experiencing. My 3 top-down self-regulation openers are: validation normalization giving permission Validation explained briefly Validation is recognizing the factual matter that your emotions exist. Validation does not mean that you are okay with it or that you like it. Validation means you recognize the emotion is real. Read more about validation here > Normalization explained briefly Normalization is making sense of your now-valid emotions based on the context they exist in or came from. This could be the immediate context and/or the past context of your life and how it affects you in the present moment. Read more about normalization here > Why would you give yourself permission to feel your feelings? I know this may sound odd. But look at it this way - the emotion that needs permission to exist already exists within you anyway. It’s already there, whether you like it or not. Whether you want it there or you don’t. Your emotions exist already. You’ve just successfully ignored, minimized, denied, stuffed down, neglected, or coped with it until this point. Now it may be time to do something different. How to give your emotions permission to exist Instead of those reflexive cognitive coping skills and instead of a behavioral adaptation, your challenge on this step of your journey is to allow the emotion to be present. Here's what it might sound like: “I'm allowed to have the emotion of _____.” “I'm allowed to feel what I have inside.” “Other people are allowed to have emotions, and I'm allowed to also.” “I feel them whether I want to or not. I might as well give myself permission.” “I'm going to allow myself to feel and be curious about the emotional experience of my traumatized state.” I want you to pick one that feels right for you or make up your own. What would that sound like? What would it sound like to permit yourself to have the emotion that you have? Using all 3 top-down self-regulation openers Steps 1-3: validate, normalize, and then give permission Ground yourself back in the previous two steps you already completed. Is your emotion valid? (Does it actually exist?) Is your emotion normal? (Does it make sense that you are experiencing that based on your life context?) If yes to both of those, then the next step is to allow it. When you allow the emotion to be present, it can further reduce its intensity . Isn’t it exhausting to keep running away from or subduing the emotion that brings you here? Doesn’t it just leave you worn out? Frustrated? Defeated? Instead of going down that road, let’s try a different one, which is just giving permission for the emotion to exist. Create an image and welcoming message for your emotion Using your imagination can be more inviting I recommend to my therapy and coaching clients that they give their emotion an image and a welcoming message. This is a playful metaphorical cognitive technique to make the process more manageable. Eventually, this won’t be needed as you continue to practice. This is what it could sound like: " You’re welcome to be here with me, [emotion name]. I am going to stick you in my pocket and let you hang out with me.” Then imagine tucking it away into your pocket. That’s it. Silly, I know. That’s the point. The point is not to ignore your emotion Tucking it into your pocket is not intended to be ignoring the emotion. If that feels dismissive to you, create another image that works for you to feel like you’re allowing the emotion to be present with you. Here are other options: Maybe the emotion walks beside you throughout your day. Maybe it’s sitting on your shoulder. It really doesn’t matter, give it an image if you have one that you think will allow the emotion to be with you in compassion. Allow your emotion along with compassion Speaking of compassion, ensure you anchor in safety to allow your emotion to be with you. When you’re anchored in your safety state, your curiosity in your stuck defensive state emotions will be higher. Your tolerance for allowing them to be present will also be higher. If you’re not in your safety state enough, then there is more of a chance of dysregulation occurring if you are not prepared for this 3-step process. And if that’s the case, then you probably are not ready for Unstucking Defensive States and would instead be a better fit for Building Safety Anchors . BSA prepares you for the work of UDS. If giving permission is too much for you But even with the silly image of allowing your emotion to exist, maybe it’s still too much for you even when you are anchored in your safety state. Okay. Allow a recent, tolerable emotion Practicing permitting your emotions with something more manageable might be a good idea. Still make sure you are coming from compassion, but pick an emotion that is tolerable, maybe something you felt earlier in the day. These emotions might be: irritability worry or concern mild sadness disinterest. Would you then be able to anchor in safety, validate the emotion, normalize it based on context, and allow it to be present with a silly image and message? If negative emotions are too much for you If allowing a negative emotion is too much for you, then you could practice this 3 step process with a more positive emotion. Examples of these emotions would be: calm or relaxation happiness joy connection After allowing your emotion to exist Further down the trauma recovery journey, you will also give the defensive Polyvagal state that underlies your emotions permission to complete an impulse that connects to it. For this step, you are just letting the emotion be present. There's a good chance you are stuck in a defensive state and went through something that didn't allow your impulse to survive to complete. But even if you didn't, no matter where you're at on your Polyvagal ladder, there's going to be some impulse to climb up the ladder. That is eventually a process that you will need to allow happen and complete. One more self-regulation opener There's actually one more top-down self-regulation opener that I have. Since your emotions are valid, normal and have permission to exist, what if you affirmed that you are worth it and the effort that it takes? I'll go into this one another time, probably in the book I am working on based on my Unstucking Defensive States course. Make sure you are signed up for my email list to be the first to know a release date. The Slow & Steady Path to Healing: Coming out of Shutdown Coming out of shutdown is a process that is done slowly, but steadily. Someone in shutdown is more apt to seek out low stimulation, quiet and solitude. This blog teaches about coming out of a depressive shutdown. Click here to read the blog > Q&A Why is giving yourself permission to feel your emotions important? Giving yourself permission to feel your emotions is important because it allows you to acknowledge and begin to process them in a healthy way. Ignoring or suppressing your emotions can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and other mental health issues. What are the three Top-Down Self-Regulation Openers? The three Top-Down Self-Regulation Openers are validation, normalization, and giving yourself permission to feel your emotions. These techniques help you manage your emotions from a top-down perspective, shifting your emotional state from the brain to the body. How can I use visualization to manage my emotions? You can use visualization to manage your emotions by giving your emotion an image and a welcoming message. This playful, metaphorical cognitive technique helps make the process more manageable and allows you to experience your emotions in a compassionate way. Author Bio: Justin Sunseri is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Coach specializing in trauma relief. He is the host of the Stuck Not Broken podcast , and author of the book Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm . He specializes in treating trauma and helps individuals get "unstuck" from their defensive states.

The Polyvagal Theory has three brand new additions to the mixed states: intimacy, fawning, and appeasement. I'll discuss appeasement in this edited podcast transcript. Jump to a section: What is appeasement through the lens of the Polyvagal Theory? Appeasement: Connect to Survive Appeasement and Dissociation Experiences of Appeasement Dr. Stephen Porges (creator of the Polyvagal Theory) has a new book - Our Polyvagal World . His son, Seth, wrote the book, and Dr Porges gave it his stamp of approval. Here's a book review . I recommend it overall, and you can order it through this Amazon affiliate link. I get a portion of the sale at no extra cost to you - https://amzn.to/47UIxjV The new book discusses the application of the Polyvagal theory to various life domains, like incarceration and schools. But it also adds three new mixed states to the Polyvagal Theory: intimacy, fawn, and appeasement. Rebecca Bailey, Jaycee Dugard, Stephanie Smith, and Dr. Porges also discuss appeasement in a paper called " Appeasement: Replacing Stockholm Syndrome as a Definition of a Survival Strategy. " What is Appeasement through the lens of the Polyvagal Theory? The basic idea is that appeasement is a sort of co-regulatory mixed state. When in the face of extreme danger, like in a hostage situation, I think the isolation aspect of this is really important. Appeasement through the Polyvagal Theory lens is conceptualized as more of a replacement for Stockholm Syndrome. We should view appeasement as a two way neuro-biological interaction. The "Appeasement" paper calls it a "super social engagement." This is the ability to use social interaction, even in extreme, dangerous situations. Appeasement as a "Super social engagement"? Even though it's called a "super social engagement," it seems to me to be more of a function of de-escalation. I don't think appeasement results in actual co-regulation with the end result of the perpetrator actually accessing their safety state fully. The perpetrator does not actually feel compassion, or at least not enough to change their horrific behaviors. Though perhaps not full co-regulative safety state, there may be enough co-regulation to result in de-escalation. This neutralies the defensive state of the perpetrator. Or neutralizes it enough to reduce the potential for harm or death to the captor that is appeasing. Appeasement is seen in other mammals. Appeasement actually is something that we see in other mammals as well. The Cleveland Clinic says that one theory of appeasement is as "a learned technique, passed down from our ancestors. In the early civilization, there was always a risk of being captured or killed by another social group. Bonding with captors increases the chance of survival." The Polyvagal Theory argues that appeasement is a result of neuroceptive shifts in threat detection. The shifts trigger autonomic states, resulting in the appeasement of a captor. These shifts are a part of our DNA; and appeasement is one potential result, though it is not overtly common in extreme situations. But it is a possibility. Appeasement: Connect to Survive. Porges' appeasement article says that "social connection to the perpetrator may be experienced as a type of lifeline." When it comes to looking at this as like a biological process, or a neuro-biological interaction between two mammals, ee should look at the benefit of connection, even if it is an extreme situation. Mammalian bodies do better when they have more access to their ventral vagal safety state. When the safety state is active, there is more capacity for homeostasis, which is basically utilizing our body's resources for health, growth, and restoration. So simply connecting with somebody, even in a situation like this, may have better results for using bodily resources. The benefit of appeasement is not simply survival, but also homeostatic functioning. Appeasement is not a choice. So I wouldn't view this as a choice-driven behavior. I don't think someone is consciously choosing to connect with their perpetrator through appeasement. Instead, we want to look at this as a biological drive that optimizes resources. Appeasement and Dissociation Dissociation is going to be a factor in appeasement as well. Dissociation buffers the conscious understanding of the severity of the situation and the life-threat potential of it. Existing in a dissociative state is an adaptation that allows that person to not enter a full-on shutdown, which would be life-threatening. So instead of completely shutting down, the body is able to enter into a more dissociative disconnected state, which allows basic functioning to continue. The chance of survival increases, but the dissociation keeps that individual from truly recognizing the impact of what they're doing and their connection with the perpetrator. Appeasement as a Polyvagal Mixed State Appeasement is a mixed state. So what are the states involved in appeasement? And the answer to that is all of them. Safety state in Appeasement - There is enough activation of the safety state to provide cues of co-regulative safety to the perpetrator. Flight/Fight state in Appeasement - The sympathetic state is also probably active as well. This enables the captor to escape if the opportunity arises. Shutdown state in Appeasement - There also seems to be a significant amount of dissociation regarding appeasement. So shutdown is a big part of this as well. Again, dissociation allows for disconnecting from the extreme experience, which entails the appeasing captor to sacrifice their personal values in order to connect with the perpetrator and increase their chances of survival. Experiences of Appeasement. I will highlight three potential experiences of the appeasement mixed state: positive feelings toward the captors/abusers. sympathy for captor's goals and beliefs. negative feelings toward authority figures. 1. Positive feelings toward the captors or the abusers. Britannica.Com says, "Psychologist who have studied the syndrome believe that the bond is initially created when a captor threatens a captive's life, deliberates, and then chooses not to kill the captive. The captive's relief at the removal of the death threat is transposed into feelings of gratitude toward the captor for giving him or her life." (sadly no citation for these "psychologists.") The captive is probably connecting their own well-being to the "happiness" of their captor. forRemember that our nervous system adapts based on the need of survival. So in order to survive, our nervous system potentially could enter into this appeasement state where we are surrendering in order to reduce the threat from another. 2. Sympathy for the captor's beliefs and goals. The captive identifies that their potential to survive is directly connected to the captor's goals. So it may look like they have sympathy for the goals of the captor. The captive learns that compliance and submission to the captor's goals will get their needs met. These survival means have otherwise been cut off, as these situations happen in extreme isolation from help. 3. Negative feelings toward police or authority figures Authority figures are a potential threat to the captive's survival, at least while they are in captivity. The captor is their survival, not the external world. So hiding the situation from others becomes necessary in order to maintain survival for the captor. Think of it in terms of the Polyvagal ladder . The captive cannot connect with the other person in a very meaningful, safe, and social kind of way, but they can do so enough to reduce life-threat. But they also cannot run away. They can't fight. They've they have been isolated. And trapped. They also can't exist in a shutdown state for very long, because that would result in death. So the captive is utilizing their best means of getting their needs met and surviving. And that is existing in a dissociative state that also allows them to be mobilized for escape, but also allows them to surrender their own personal values and connect with the captor in a way that is convincing enough through co-regulatory cues to get the captor or to reduce their aggressiveness. And if you think about it that way, the potential for escape probably goes up. I don't know how often this is effective, but we could see from a biological interaction between a captor and a captive through this neuroception of co-regulation (pseudo co-regulation?) that there's probably more of a chance of escape if the captor reduces their level of defense/aggression. Access free resources in the Members' Center I have curated Learning Hubs, downloads, and a 3-day course in the free Members Center. It brings together topics like the Polyvagal states and parenting but makes them easier to access so you don't have to hunt around everywhere. Become a free member > Q&A Q: What is Appeasement through the lens of the Polyvagal Theory? A: Appeasement in the context of the Polyvagal Theory is conceptualized as a co-regulatory mixed state that replaces Stockholm Syndrome. It is termed "super social engagement," which involves using social interaction as a survival strategy, even in extreme, dangerous situations. Q: How does Appeasement relate to Dissociation? A: Dissociation plays a role in appeasement by buffering the conscious understanding of the severity of the situation. It allows the individual to function at a basic level without entering a full-on shutdown, thus increasing the chance of survival. Q: What states are involved in Appeasement as a Polyvagal Mixed State? A: Appeasement involves multiple states: Safety State: Provides cues of co-regulative safety to the perpetrator. Flight/Fight State: Enables the possibility of escape if the opportunity arises. Shutdown State: Involves significantdissociation, allowing for disconnection from the extreme experience. Page: N/A (Blog Article) Do you trust in your power to self-regulate? Your body is compelled to self-regulate, but trauma stops this process. Do you trust that you have the innate power to self-regulate, release your trauma, and live more calmly, confidently, and connected? Read more here > Author Bio: Justin Sunseri is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Coach specializing in trauma relief. He hosts the Stuck Not Broken podcast and is the author of the book Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm . Justin is a member of the Polyvagal Institute's Editorial Board.

Some links will take you to Amazon where I will get a portion of the purchase at no extra cost to you. She came back! This is my second interview with Deb Dana, the Polyvagal Wonder Woman. After this, give the first a listen . :43 - What's it like to be admired across the world? "It's ventral vagal energy that's the active ingredient here." 1:45 - Therapists don't express that they're "good." There was a study that says warmth is the first quality that clients look for but confidence is the next. Not arrogance, but confidence. I'm gonna lead you on a journey to a place that you have not wanted to go and don't know how to go safely. So I better be a really good guide that you can trust. 3:12 - 2nd book on April 21 exercises for people to do between sessions good for feeling some management over life way to feel like you're actively controlling something You really can't reshape a nervous system efficiently one hour a week. BASIC: Befriend, Attend, Shape, Integrate, Connect 4:58 - Is the homework individualized per client? written to go in order exercises build on each other but can be customized out of order clients will stick to the ones that resonate the most to them and create a set of practices 5:49 - How much homework between sessions? a discussion with the client nervous system and brain may disagree What feels like it would be reasonable and doable for your nervous system? You brain just answered that question and now let's ask your nervous system. 8:32 - What's the line between success and challenge? We want to stretch the nervous system and then savor what we've stretched so that it becomes more patterned. As soon as you cross midline, you're going to go to stress and survive. So we have to stay on the left-hand side of that line in stress and savor and not challenge the nervous system so much that it goes into a stress response and a survival response. Because once you go into survival - into sympathetic or dorsal - any possibility of change shuts down. 9:15 - What is too much? Is this safe outside of therapy? anything in the nervous system is based on the therapist having already mapped their nervous system client understands how their 3 states work and can notice and track 10:23 - the importance of the map from book 1 she does the map with every client If you don't know your nervous system in a basic way, you're going to feel lost. brain will create a story about autonomic shifts If we can have a basic understanding of our nervous system, then we don't just get that brain cognitive narrative. We get the biology of what's going on. And then we can do something to shift our biology rather than getting stuck on the story. the importance of organized movement 12:00 - the menu of pathways to regulation discern between what is helpful, not helpful and maybe helpful listen to the nervous system in deciding the menu of pathways I really am encouraging people to create an actual menu. This is my menu of pathways to regulation. As soon as we take somebody else's suggestion and make it a protocol for ourselves , we're no longer listening to our nervous system. 13:32 - the importance of the present moment and movement The question is "In this moment, in this place, what I'm feeling right now, what will help me move towards ventral or what would help me really stay in ventral?" differs day to day ongoing conversation with the nervous system not a set of techniques choose from a few choices As soon as we get into sympathetic or dorsal, we're no longer in the moment. We're in a fear and anxiety or we're in a disappearing. What we need to do is to preplan for this, to be proactive. put the menu somewhere visible in preparation and already done When you dysregulate, your prefrontal cortex does not go along for the ride with you. 16:15 - Context, Choice & Connection There are these three elements the nervous system really looks for to safely navigate the world: context, choice and connection. each of these being challenged during COVID-19 Connection is about connection to myself, and to others, and to nature and to spirit. harder to find an anchor in ventral as these are all challenged 18:00 - If you don't have these... what are you left with? You have to get creative with what you have digital connection has its place and may be the best option for some 20:10 - opportunity for global change currently becoming more appreciative as restrictions increase 20:57 - social engagement scale continuum between solitude and being with others exercise from the new book 22:26 - how might we hang onto what we are learning during COVID-19? 24:05 - introversion, ambiversion & extroversion and the polyvagal theory the social engagement scale understand your own system and how you move along that all the time labels can be given after identifying where one is on the social engagement scale may relate to the vagal brake 27 :25 - categories vs the polyvagal continuum DSM, introversion and extroversion, ACEs autonomic stuff happening under the categories If you look at the DSM through the lens of the nervous system, every diagnosis (pretty much) is an outcome of a dysregulated nervous system. I'd be in favor of let's not use DSM diagnosis, let's just look at in what particular ways is your nervous system dysregulating and when does it dysregulate in these ways? A DSM diagnosis does not help me work with your nervous system. What I think the nervous system shows us (and from a polyvagal lens) is everything is on a continuum. an individual's nervous system is on a continuum, categories like "introvert" do not help Part of it is what happened to you, but the more important part is how did your nervous system respond to what happened to you? The number of ACEs and what they were doesn't give us that next step. It's a beginning, we just need a part 2. 31:00 - client independence The reason to bring a polyvagal-informed approach to your work is that you want to help your clients become active operators of their own nervous systems. understanding an ability to navigate their states When a client comes to you, they bring a presenting problem. But that presenting problem is really not what I want to work with. I want to work with the nervous system. And then once we get some regulation, we can look at that presenting problem and... it's going to have changed. 32:30 - what are you hoping people get from book 2? everyday experience vs once a week for an hour using pvt to navigate the day 32:57 - her investment in client independence What I really want is my client's to understand their nervous system and have skills to come back from sympathetic or dorsal dysregulation... to ventral. We all leave our home in ventral many times a day. therapy is an important addition to the ability to navigate and operate a nervous system to know when support is needed as an addition When we have enough co-regulation it builds the platform for us to be able to use self-regulation... I want my clients to co-regulate with me and have enough experiences with that so that they can then take that on the outside and self-regulate and come back when they need either a tune-up [or]... because there's some crisis in life they need some support with that. 35:55 - doses of co-regulation We need enough experiences of safe co-regulation first and for many clients they've missed that. People have been dangerous and the therapist is taking on that role of being the first safe co-regulator in their life. self-regulation can eventually become a choice and nourishing co-regulation experiences for some clients may need to be more numerous, more often and take longer 37:02 - when are you coming onto social media? and next steps it's not going to happen online offerings 39:10 - listen to the nervous system It's either a drainer or a filler. It's either going to nourish me or it's not going to nourish me. Then the question is "What's going to nourish me today? Or in this moment?" 39:33 - more of Deb's next steps book study group for book 1! long term training - Foundations Part 1 Teaching is nourishing for her 49:19 - the experience of awe Awe is a solitary experience. [Awe] is something that happens to ourselves and by ourselves. [Awe] often invites us to want to share that with somebody else. Moments of awe are all around us: nature, art and music. find awe out your window or online Awe is the sense of being small but connected to something much larger... We need to remember, we are connected as a human race and we are connected to something much bigger.

How do I tell my child - who is in a shut down state - that I love them? The obvious answer is that you just tell them. Honestly, I'd rather you just put it out there than not. If your anxiety about saying it "the right way" is stopping you from taking action on this at all, just take the leap forward and remind them that you love them. Trust your parental feelings, your attachment to your child. Forget about what experts say the right way or wrong way is to go. Just express your love to them in a way that works for you. Ultimately, that's my best advice on it. But I'll go into more detail as well... How do you feel safe expressing love? We talked in episode 27 about the four ways that children will receive expressions of love in ways that they will understand: say it out loud write it down physical affection play Out of these four, which one feels safe for you? It's important that it feel safe so that it comes across as genuine when you express it to your child/teen. If you don't feel comfortable expressing love through physical affection, then putting your arm around your shut down down is going to feel very tense, anxiety-producing and awkward. It's gonna backfire, potentially. But if saying it out loud is something you can do, then start there. Start where you already feel a strength or where you're willing to grow. Writing it down is often times easier for parents. We should also consider - How will they take it in? Someone in shut down generally needs: a gentle approach, slow movements, calm and quiet. So let's take a look at our four ways of expressing love and how they might look: SAYING IT OUT LOUD I think this is a decent way to go, if you can handle it. Saying it out loud can be gentle, calm and quiet. It can be done over the phone, it can be done in person, it can be done in a whisper or a regular voice. Singing it in a song might be too much, but maybe not. If you can pull it off, go for it. I'd encourage parents to approach a kid in shut down with a lot of calm and quiet. It might mean sitting next to your kid and allowing some silence. Or sitting on the floor with them. Doing so without distractions is important - so maybe in their room and not in the family room where there's more commotion. Make sure you have the time to sit in silence and allow your compassion to come forward. WRITING IT DOWN This is probably a very safe way to receive love for a kid in shut down. In fact, I've met with many kids as a therapist that use journaling or write letters as a way to express themselves, even to their parents. It's safe, it's from a distance, it's quiet and you don't need to be there to see the reaction of the person reading it. I think writing a letter is a great idea. I also think writing a brief note is a great idea. Heck, it could be an "I love you" through a text message. Many of the parents I've worked with do this and say it's a solid approach for them. It's meeting the kid where they're at - their devices. Reading these little notes or longer letters brings a small (or big) sense of connection for kids - in a safe way. They can choose to read them or not, as many times as they like and they can return to the written messages easily. PHYSICAL AFFECTION I think this can work wonders, but it's easy to do too much. A kid in shut down needs a gentle, slow approach. So running up to them and giving them a squeeze that lifts them off the ground might be overdoing it. But sitting next to them in silence, or giving them an ear to listen, then following it up with a hug can be powerful. You may be able to simply approach them and give them some physical affection and they're okay with it. Or they're so desperate for connection they accept it. PLAY A kid in shut down isn't going to be going outside and playing baseball or handball. They're probably going to want to be indoors and isolating. So playing may not be a hugely physical act. It might be more of a board game or video game type of play. But even video games require some level sympathetic energy to really play them as there's a large component of competitiveness oftentimes. Board games might be a safer route: chess, Risk, Monopoly, whatever you got. This can be a good, safe way to connect, make small bits of eye contact or chuckles here and there and start climbing the polyvagal ladder. FINAL THOUGHTS Again, these are some detailed thoughts about the 4 ways, but ultimately, I recommend you listen to you. Feel free to say "Damn it all" and express love in the way and the intensity that feels the most genuine to you. As long as it comes from a place of empathetic and loving compassion, I don't think you can go wrong. But if for some reason it doesn't go the way you have in your head, you can always try again the next day. Oh and by the way, approach your kids without an agenda. Don't go in there with the intent of hearing "I love you" back or even them being able to receive your message of love. Ideally, that's what happens. But we express love to our kids or anyone else because... we love them . And we want them to know it and hopefully feel it too. But that's it. Your goal is to express your love. Whatever happens within them after that is out of your hands.

This is a section from my free e-book, Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm . The eBook is also available in its extended version as Stuck Not Broken: Book 1. Download the eBook in PDF and ePub: Hope you enjoy the read! < Read the previous section first Paradigm to Self-Narrative This is what this paradigm-building has been leading up to. You understand the Polyvagal Theory on a cognitive level. The biology, trauma, the importance of connection. Knowing is not good enough though. A nostalgic phrase from my childhood speaks volumes here - Knowing is half the battle (G.I. Joe) . It's not enough to simply know, you also need to apply that knowledge. When you apply the Polyvagal paradigm to your own life, it builds a narrative. A narrative is the story that you have around yourself. Who you are, how you are, why you are. Your worth in life - to yourself and others. Your potential in life. Your responsibility in making change in your own life. The role of your parents then and now. Why events in your life unfolded or did not unfold. How lovable you are or are not. The answers to these things are all narratives, for better or worse. I can't answer these for you, but I invite you to journal around these when you can. I do have one more piece I would like to offer you, hopefully a new narrative that you can take on... Stuck Not Broken You're stuck. You're not broken. I know it can feel that way, but really, you gotta believe me on this - you're just not broken. You're stuck. This is the central idea of the Stuck Not Broken podcast. And the great news is that being stuck means you can get unstuck . It means that your momentum is still moving forward, but there's something blocking that from happening. The momentum, the potential to get unstuck is there within you. The momentum might be to release the freeze energy that you've got stuck inside of you. Or the momentum could be allowing the sympathetic energy to return, getting unstuck from your shutdown state. The body is ready to make this happen. Your body knows exactly what to do. It's just stuck. And what's keeping it stuck? You are. Okay, it's not that simple, because maybe you're in an environmentally unsafe place. But for the most part, you're stopping this unstuckness from happening. From the bottom up, from the body to the brain, the change is ready to take place. That energy is ready to discharge or to come back. But from the top down, from the brain to the body, that's where things get more difficult. There's probably something(s) you're doing to keep yourself stuck without even realizing it. Here's a short list: judging yourself escaping your internal feelings somehow distracting yourself from the inner stuff somehow blaming yourself blaming others dismissing or minimizing your pain and more Basically, you're doing some sort of behavioral or cognitive adaptation to your stuck defensive state. When we do these things, it just serves to keep the energy stuck inside or to prevent it from returning. It's like putting a cap on a bottle before tipping it over. Or if the internal momentum is like rolling a bowling ball, then these thoughts/behaviors are like placing a wall in the middle of the alley. So what happens is the internal stuff that you're ignoring/avoiding/minimizing/squishing festers and worsens. It doesn't just sit there patiently. You know that already though. It tends to grow and get worse. It infects other facets of your life, like your relationships or work. The pain that you're going through - the anxiety, panic, fear, depression... it's telling you something. And it's your job to listen. Not to ignore the pain. Not to dismiss it. Not to squish it down or fight it off. To listen. Calmly and curiously. Not judging or evaluating it. But to listen in moments where you're actually safe. And look inward at what your body is telling you. Just a little bit at a time. It's hard work, I know. You might be cut off from your body in a major way. I do a lot of therapy work with clients who have survived abuse and are left in a numbness or fog. When they look inward, they find nothing (at first). Or they've been left with a ton of anger or anxiety. And when they look inward, they don't like what they find and escape in one form or another (at first). So looking inward and expecting to deal with all of your stuff all at once isn't always practical or doable. You come face to face with the energy that wants to get unstuck; that's ready to come back to life and do it's thing. And it's too intense. And with that intensity, memories pop into your mind that aren't very comfortable. Which makes things worse. At first. The good news is - you don't have to do any of that. You don't have to . You may want to. That's your call. But to get unstuck, you can basically do the opposite. Focus on the positives; focus on what energizes you safely. Things like art, dancing, music, singing, cooking, playing sports - whatever it is. It doesn't matter. As long as it brings you some energy, some joy, some connection or being a bit more in the present moment. If you’re really struggling with identifying safety, my course Building Safety Anchors can be helpful. It helps you to identify what brings you to safety. You do these things, but do them mindfully. Listen to your body while you draw. Let it speak to you through your artwork. Or listen while you're running, listen to your muscles as they carry you. Do something safe, which will allow you to listen safely. Little by little, you may notice that the pain isn't as intense. And you might be ready to go inward and listen more directly. But at first, it helps to have a positive energy resource. Or even a safe person. Not necessarily someone to talk to about your pain. But someone you feel safe with. Not protected. Safe. Someone you can smile around. And be a bit vulnerable. This could be a club, a yoga class, being with family or a friend. When we're with safe people, we can become unstuck. But again, bring some mindfulness to the experience of being with a safe person and hold it while it's there. Build the capacity to be able to handle the stuckness. And obviously find a safe place. Might be home or a certain place in your home. Might be a church, might be at the gym or even grocery shopping. Somewhere you feel safe, comfortable and more at ease. A place that helps your energy to return without being overwhelming. You could also do the more direct route of looking inward and allowing the stuck energy to discharge or to return. This can be done through meditation, in therapy with someone who is incorporating somatic skills or through yoga, among many other options. There is so much hope it's ridiculous. That momentum is inside of you, ready to take off. Once it gets safety and permission to do so. Your Next Polyvagal Steps Don’t let this be the final step on your Polyvagal journey. There’s a lot more to get into, including applying the PVT into different areas of your personal and professional life. I have more free resources for you to learn more from, many of them linked to in this eBook. I also have my two courses, one for the Polyvagal Theory and the other to help you build your safety system. Courses built on the Polyvagal Theory Polyvagal 101 - https://www.justinlmft.com/pvt101 Building Safety Anchors - https://www.justinlmft.com/bsa Polyvagal Free Resources: Website - https://www.justinlmft.com Blog - https://www.justinlmft.com/blog Podcast - https://www.justinlmft.com/podcast PDF Downloads - https://www.justinlmft.com/fileshare Polyvagal Books There are also a number of paid Polyvagal books you can purchase. Here are my recommendations and who I think they are for. For therapists - The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy For those building their self-regulation - Anchored & Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection The Polyvagal Theory applied to various professions - Clinical Applications of the Polyvagal Theory For a deeper level of Polyvagal reading that’s still digestible - the Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory For serious Polyvagal nerds that want the primary source in all the academic jargon - The Polyvagal Theory Thanks for reading!

This is a section from my free e-book, Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm . The eBook is also available in its extended version as Stuck Not Broken: Book 1. Download the eBook in PDF and ePub: Hope you enjoy the read! < Read the previous section first As we have already laid out, trauma is being in a stuck defensive state. This is an inability to regulate back up the Polyvagal ladder and into the ventral safety pathways. That is, the inability to self-regulate. An adaptation is a means to cope with stuck defensive energy and the discomfort that it brings. When we are in these defensive states (and the safe/social state), it's really important that we actually feel the experience of that defensive state. Mindfully. When we do so, it allows the defensive energy to run its course and discharge. Then the autonomic nervous system can regulate to the top of the Polyvagal ladder, into the safe/social state. Instead, what we humans do is ignore the defensive energy. And I don't blame us - it kinda sucks! That energy is experienced as sorrow, despair, panic, rage, anger, anxiety and more. These are all perfectly natural and simply a part of the process. But feeling them can be very challenging first. Eventually, we can build our capacity to feel them and actually welcome them. But at first, we typically lean toward avoiding feeling these things. Adaptations can be understood as maladaptive coping mechanisms. Or someone's best attempts at coping. Coping doesn't mean the individual is actually making change; they're mostly just getting through the moment or have adopted a prolonged coping mechanism. Porges specifies behavioral adaptations as a means to cope; and I will be adding cognitive adaptations into the discussion as well. Behavioral adaptations A behavioral adaptation is a behavior that we engage in as an adaptation to stuck defensive energy. It's something we do to avoid feeling the discomfort of shifting up the Polyvagal ladder or of existing in a defensive state. Even though we want it - to climb the ladder - doing so is vulnerable and leaves us feeling exposed. Feelings and memories will come up that cause a neuroception of danger and send us right back down the ladder. Being able to tolerate the experience of these states and of ladder climbing is essential to the process of getting unstuck. We have to stay firmly anchored in our ventral vagal safe/social state. But again, instead of feeling into - and not avoiding - the defensive energy, we engage in some sort of behavior. Substance use is an obvious one. It relieves the pain and might give us a pseudo ladder climb. Through using a substance, we can cope with the defensive energy. It doesn't help, but it provides a pseudo-relief. (No, I am not recommending that you use a substance.) Other examples of behavioral adaptations: addictions of all kinds physical abuse bullying isolating acting out in class self-harm oversleeping disordered eating workaholism social media binges Imagine someone is a workaholic. They work all night and neglect their spouse and family. They have a history of childhood abuse and are stuck in a fight sympathetic state. If they were to mindfully feel their aggression, it would be too much for them. They are not ready for it. Their vagal brake is not developed. To cope with this, they focus their fight energy into their work. They don't actually feel their aggression, they just continue to channel it into their work. They are able to complete a lot and be successful, but their state never changes and so neither does their life satisfaction. Interactions with their family arouse feelings of pressure and frustration, which they again channel into their work instead of feeling. They have successfully avoided the defensive state and the pains of actually mindfully being with it. But this strategy keeps them stuck in their state. These behaviors obviously involve some level of cognitions. The gambling addict has intrusive thoughts about the need to gamble and a big payoff. Our workaholic has thoughts of needing more money, more security and the family's well-being. These thoughts compliment the behavior. Let's more specifically call these stories , to use Deb Dana's phrasing. The stories follow the state and reinforce the behavioral adaptation. The workaholic spends so much time working because they "have to provide more for the family!" The story of providing for the family is driven by feelings of aggression and pressure, coming from a stuck fight state. The story reinforces the behavior that reinforces the state. Cognitive adaptations Cognitive adaptations are top-down skills that are implemented in order to cope with the pains of a stuck defensive state. Same as a behavioral adaptation. But rather than being body-based, it's brain-based. Porges does not specifically differentiate cognitive or behavioral adaptations, so this is my own insertion into the theory that I think adds something. I'm not specifically discussing the thought stories, like needing to provide more for the family. I am more interested in the skills that support the thought stories. Using the phrase thought skills might add more clarity, in comparison to thought stories . The thought skill drives the story that compliments the behavior. There are numerous ways that we humans cope through our cognitions: rationalizing minimizing maximizing/catastrophizing denial projection intellectualization ignoring I don't think that the thought skill used necessarily follows the Polyvagal state like a story does. The flavor of the thought skill definitely will though. For example, let's look at the thought skill of minimization. This refers to the skill of reducing the intensity or the importance of something, done through a thought. Minimizing through shutdown - "It's not a big deal. Doesn't really matter anyway. Nothing will change." Minimizing through fight - "It's not a big deal, get over it already! Why do you have to make it such a big thing?!" Minimizing through flight - "It's not a big deal. I'll do better next time, I promise! It's okay it's okay, please don't be mad." Minimizing through safety - "It's really not a big deal. Anyone could have discovered time travel, but thank you. I'm glad I got to do my part." Each of these involves minimizing, but they sound a lot different. You may have used your imagination and created a scenario around these examples. You could probably see the face of the person in the fight example and how different it would be from the person in the safety example. Yet, they are both using the skill of minimizing. And they both intend to reduce the importance of something. The flavor is different and that comes from the Polyvagal state. Minimizing from fight results in someone attempting to make someone else's thoughts less significant. If successful, the individual in fight feels dominant, which is very much a fight-fueled feeling. Minimizing from safety resulted in a story of doing one's part and being a part of a larger group. This leaves us with the potential to use our thought skills for the purpose of coping with a stuck defensive state. The person in fight copes by minimizing others' feelings. This leaves them feeling dominant, misusing their fight energy, but also remaining stuck. The person in flight misuses their thought skills to avoid a danger but reinforces their stuck sympathetic flight state. The person in shutdown misuses their thought skills to appear invisible or insignificant; again, reinforcing their stuck state. This is similar to a behavioral adaptation. The potential behavior can look similar depending on one's state, but have a different flavor to it. If you wrestle with someone in a safety state, it'll be playful. If you wrestle with someone in a fight state, it will be to dominate. I think this is worth differentiating. A thought skill as supportive of, but distinct from a thought story. And how a thought skill is colored by the Polyvagal state. Journal: Do you have behavior adaptation you engage in when you're dysregulated? What emotion is driving the adaptation? What state is driving the emotion? Do you have a thought story about yourself? In other words, how do you feel about yourself? What is your worth in the world? What is your worth to others? Is it possible that thought story is wrong? Read the next section > Thanks for reading!

This is a section from my free e-book, Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm . The eBook is also available in its extended version as Stuck Not Broken: Book 1. Download the eBook in PDF and ePub: Hope you enjoy the read! < Read the previous section first Regulation “ Regulation ” - loosely - is an individual’s ability to get to a calm enough emotional baseline. There’s way more to this on many levels, but this is the basic idea for now. Even if the person is not entirely happy or entirely social; if they can exert self-control over their behaviors, we could say they are well enough regulated . They have enough capacity to notice what is happening within them on an emotional level and can then use their conscious thoughts to self-soothe in some way. If someone has lost access to their conscious awareness and their capacity to direct their behavior within the contextual rules and social norms, we could say they are in a state of dysregulation . Their emotions and thoughts are out of control and have overwhelmed their conscious mind. This individual has exceeded their limits of being able to tolerate and cope with whatever is happening within them. Self-regulation But it’s not just about what someone does in the moment of need, it’s also about creating the capacity to tolerate greater amounts of distress. Regulation is something that can be built up. Regulation is really the result of enough tolerance having been cultivated within an individual - the building of their vagal brake. This level of distress tolerance can be nurtured within someone from birth and throughout life. We learn to tolerate distress from the modeling that we see as children. We also learn distress tolerance from having our needs be taken seriously and receiving support from others. Neither of these things makes our distress go away, but it makes it bearable. It makes it tolerable. Traumatized individuals have a more difficult time with self-regulation . They are stuck down their Polyvagal ladder in a state of defense. If they were able to self-regulate into their safety state, they wouldn’t be stuck. By definition, trauma is not only being stuck, but also lacking the capacity for effective self-regulation. There are numerous ways to regulate yourself. I don’t think there is one right answer for any specific person or specific situation. Some things might be universally helpful, like slowing your breathing on the exhale from your belly. But even then, there might be times where you’re too dysregulated to breathe into your belly and this won’t be helpful. You might need something else. You might need the assistance of another person. Co-regulation Co-regulation is something that happens between two mammalian organisms. Only mammals have the capacity for social interaction and receiving cues of safety from other mammals to help them into their ventral vagal state of safety and social engagement. Through co-regulation, a mammal can access their safety state. This is done through an unconscious biological process. Co-regulation is not self-driven, nor is it imposed by the other either. It involves yourself and it involves someone else, but it is something received through unconscious cues of safety. This is mostly a passive process, like receiving cues of safety from the environment. A more active process would be adjusting your breathing, dancing or singing. This passive process of co-regulation is done through neuroception. Through neuroception, a dysregulated individual can detect cues of safety from a regulated individual. Someone stuck in an anxious flight state can see the gentle smile of a safe other, which triggers some activation of their safety pathways. They don’t choose to have those pathways activated, they simply are activated with the correct input from the safe other. This process is biologically hardwired to help us regulate as mammals. A baby receives co-regulation from a parent that has a soothing voice, gentle touch. The baby doesn’t choose to calm itself. The baby as an organism detects safety, which triggers the Polyvagal shifts into its own safety state. Why co-regulation matters Humans are social. We need each other. On a very biological level, we need each other. We don’t develop self-regulation unless we have good enough co-regulation and attachment growing up, then continued opportunities for co-regulation as we age. We don’t do well as individuals in isolation. Yes, we are individuals. Yes, we can self-regulate and develop the capacity to do so more and more. But before that, we’re social. We build on the foundations of our social connections. Those of us that are struggling with self-regulation need others that are already self-regulated to provide safety cues. Those that are struggling with self-regulation will benefit from more and more people who are self-regulated and able to provide their eye crinkles and genuine smiles. It’s important to surround ourselves with people who are able to provide co-regulation. We need safe people, safe friends, safe relationships, safe co-workers. This is not always possible or easy. Maybe you have safe people at home but not at work. Or safe people at school but not at home, as is often the case with my student clients. Even if you don’t have everyone in your life in their self-regulated safety state, having someone is much better than no one. That might be a professional someone. Many of my student clients are able to identify that one staff person is their co-regulator. It’s not a solution to life’s problems. But it’s something. And it might be enough to get them through their day and maybe even provide a template for safety in relationships. Therapy can often be that template. We may even be able to get aspects of co-regulation from artificial sources. Not ideal, but something. People often write to me and say my voice is a cue of safety on the Stuck Not Broken podcast. There may be a certain singer’s voice that helps bring you to safety. Or a certain voice on a meditation track. If we don't have others to co-regulate with and we can't self-regulate, this is a good indicator that we will engage in a behavioral adaptation ... Read the next section > Thanks for reading!

This is a section from my free e-book, Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm . The eBook is also available in its extended version as Stuck Not Broken: Book 1. Download the eBook in PDF and ePub: Hope you enjoy the read! < Read the previous section first What the vagal brake is Remember - the social engagement system is at the top of the Polyvagal ladder. It's the newest autonomic pathway, exclusive to mammals. As mammals developed the social engagement pathways, the sympathetic flight/fight and dorsal shutdown pathways became repurposed with the safety ventral pathways active at the same time. Without the ventral pathways active, the sympathetic flight/fight and dorsal shutdown systems still function, but for survival purposes. With the ventral pathways active at the same time, these survival pathways are now repurposed for prosocial behavior. But the ventral safety pathways need to be activated. The vagal brake is the influence of the ventral safety pathways - the social engagement system - on the heart. If the ventral pathways are active, it will keep the heartbeat at a calmer pace. Without the ventral pathways active, heart rate increases about 20 beats per minute. If the safety state is inactive, then the vagal brake is off. If the safety state is active, then the vagal brake is on. The safety state is what keeps the defensive states in check. How to Strengthen Your Vagal Brake You'd strengthen your vagal brake like you would anything else - by exercising it. Meaning, utilizing your ventral vagal safety and social engagement system. If you have a goal to lift heavier weights, then you have to start by actually lifting weights. You won't be able to lift 200lbs before you lift 100. And you won't lift 100 before you lift 50. But you'll be able to reach your goal of 200lbs by starting with what you can and then building from there. You meet your goal of utilizing your safety pathways by starting with what you can. It may not be much, but it's better than nothing. "Cool, Justin, but how?" Okay, okay. Return to the Present Moment If you're consciously existing in the present moment, that's probably a really good indicator that you're utilizing your ventral vagal pathways. And if that's true, then that means you're now exercising that system and building the strength of your vagal brake. It gets more complicated, but that's the basic idea. Let's get a little more complicated... Pendulation “Pendulation” refers to the action of pendulating - going back and forth - from the stuck defensive state to the state of safety. In Polyvagal terms, it is going up and down the Polyvagal ladder. Pendulating requires an anchor - something that grounds the individual in the present moment. The act of pendulation can strengthen the vagal brake. It's like the Polyvagal way of lifting weights. It builds the autonomic nervous system's capacity for tolerating distress by building the strength of the safety pathways. “With each cycle - contraction, expansion, contraction, expansion - the person begins to experience an inner sensation of flow and a growing sense of allowance for relaxation” (Levine, Trauma and Memory ). The process of titration comes along with the process of pendulation. Titration is the act of feeling into the stuck defensive energy a little bit at a time. The key here is to do so a little at a time, not all at once. And to do so mindfully. Titration allows small bits of a defensive state to discharge, which allows for more capacity for feelings of safety. Titration can be a part of pendulation. As you feel into the defensive state, titration will naturally happen if you are doing so mindfully. The Vagal Brake & Daily Life When your vagal brake is sufficiently strengthened, a big benefit is being able to use the processes of pendulation and titration. But daily life also just becomes more manageable and less threatening. Your daily life now has a calmer heartbeat and less potential to be triggered by benign or even negative things. People and events that are truly dangerous will still be treated as dangerous. From the safety state, you’re actually better at recognizing safety and danger on a very biological level. With a stronger vagal brake, that means more access to the safety state. The work, school and relationship stresses of daily life are not as triggering. The parent that would otherwise yell at their child has more patience. The jerk at work is no longer as upsetting. Listening to friends and partners is more likely to come from empathy and understanding. These little to big daily assaults on our autonomic nervous system are not felt as assaults. They are manageable pieces of everyday life. Read the next section > Thanks for reading!