Why Everything You Know About Emotional Regulation Is Wrong (And What To Do Instead)
- Justin Sunseri, LMFT
- Sep 5
- 9 min read
I think the way you understand and approach emotional regulation is wrong.
And not just you, but also the people who raised you, your friends, your classmates, your boss, your coworkers—pretty much everybody. I know that’s a bold claim, but I’m going to explain why, point you in the right direction, and give you specific things you can do for better emotional regulation starting today.
The Common Misunderstanding of Emotional Regulation
So, what's the common wisdom when it comes to understanding and regulating our emotions?
Typically, we don't give it much consideration at all!
When we do consider our emotions, we tend to describe them as problems that need to go away (unless they feel good, of course).
We might describe emotions as a "chemical imbalance" (a hypothesis that’s debunked at this point).
Or, we believe our emotions are simply the result of our thoughts—if we could just think differently, we’d feel better. Entire cognitive-based therapies and coaching programs are grounded in this idea, relying on changing cognitions to change emotions.
We also tend to view emotions as something that happens to us, like a virus or an affliction, or even a disorder we fall victim to. They're often seen as a sign of weakness, a lack of control, or irrationality, sometimes lumped into "positive" and "negative" categories.
We also tend to view emotions as an individual burden rather than an accumulation of life context involving many people.
And I think all of these common ways of viewing emotions are wrong. Not only do we understand our emotions incorrectly, we also manage them incorrectly.
Five Common Ways We Avoid True Emotional Regulation
How do most people deal with their emotions? Or, more accurately, how do they avoid dealing with them? I'll bet you do at least one of these five things:
Resisting Your Emotions: This involves suppressing them, pushing them down, or trying not to think about them. Resistance can look like "shoulding" yourself ("I shouldn't feel this way") or questioning ("Why do I feel this way? What's wrong with me?"). It can also be arguing with the emotion, using logic to make it disappear, or aggressively telling it to go away.
Ignoring Your Emotions Through Distraction: This includes doom scrolling, binge-eating, excessive partying, watching too much TV, and other activities that divert your attention. Minimizing your emotions, convincing yourself "it's not a big deal," or downplaying them also falls into this category.
Behavioral Adaptations to Cope: These are actions we take to manage emotions we struggle to feel. Beyond the distractions mentioned, this can include addictions, oversleeping, or any behavior to numb or keep our minds off our emotions—even lashing out at others.
Intellectualizing Your Emotions: Rather than feeling them, you explain them, categorize them, and analyze them. It’s all in your head, not in your body.
Seeking Perpetual External Validation: This kinda acknowledges your emotions but relies unendingly on others to validate them. While support is good, relying on constant external validation prevents actual emotional regulation.
These avoidance strategies are common, and most of us engage in at least a few of them. But they don't lead to sustainable emotional regulation.
The Core Problem: Why Typical Emotional Regulation Attempts Fail
We have two main problems regarding emotional regulation:
Understanding: You understand emotions incorrectly. Misunderstanding is a top-down, cognitive issue.
Management: How you manage your emotions is also incorrect. Mismanagement is a behavioral issue.
You can make changes in either thoughts or behaviors and see some benefit, sure. But, personally, I believe addressing our thoughts and behaviors is the least effective and least sustainable path to lasting emotional regulation.
Think of it like this: trying to change your emotions by changing your thoughts is like trying to change the smoke to stop a fire. Obviously, the smoke is a problem, but it's not the problem. Even if we could somehow channel all the smoke out one window, the fire is still raging.
That's why it's so difficult to truly change emotions by focusing solely on thoughts or behaviors—the "fire" of the emotion remains, festering and growing. Clients intuitively know this, and I'll assume you do too.
While you can see change through altering thoughts and behaviors, I recommend a third option. This approach leads to sustainable changes in emotional regulation that don't rely on behavioral coping or trying to change the way you think.
The Body-Based Approach: Emotions as Bodily Experiences
Our emotions aren't just a way of thinking, and they aren't just a way of behaving. I argue that our thoughts and behaviors are a result of our emotions. Yes, they affect and reinforce each other, but emotion seems to be the driving force. Basically, if our emotions change, so do our thoughts and behaviors.
When you're relaxed, you're not ruminating about what someone said at work, right? And when you're joyful, you're way less likely to engage in doom scrolling.
Emotional regulation truly begins when we understand emotions differently. Emotions are something that exists in our bodies. We can feel them. We can identify where they come from in our body and also what they need.
For example, when we feel angry, it's not just a state of being in the brain; it permeates our entire being. We feel more energized, heat, maybe tension. If you pay attention, you'll probably notice shorter breathing into the chest—a lot of action happens with anger in the chest and upper body.
Not only can you feel the emotion and where it lives in the body, but it's possible to identify what the emotion wants to do. (When I say "what the emotion wants to do," I really mean what your body wants to do.)
What you identify as an emotion is actually the conscious experience of some sort of activation in your body. When your sympathetic fight system is active, for example, your body shifts its processes to prioritize aggression. You feel this as the emotion of anger. But underneath the anger emotion is the body's state of sympathetic fight activation.
The Polyvagal Theory teaches us that the state of the body drives the emotion. The state of the body is the primary factor. If you can change your body's state, then your emotions change. And so do your thoughts and your behaviors as well.
Changing the state of the body is key to true emotional regulation.
How to Shift Your Emotions by Changing Your Body State
So, how do you change your emotions through changing your body state for better emotional regulation? I'm not saying it's easy, but I can explain how to do it. I'll tell you the same thing I tell my clients and Unstucking Academy students. And I'll assume you think it's "weird" or "different," just like they do initially.
I tell them they need to actually pay attention to how they feel and stop rejecting, explaining, or minimizing. You need to pay attention to your emotions.
It's weird and different, I know.
When we pay attention to our emotions, it becomes a portal to change our state. As our state changes, the emotions soften or can even resolve. To change your state, you need to connect with the experience of your body mindfully. Use your emotions as a portal to connect with your body's state.
If we use the anger example again, you would mindfully connect with the body's experience of anger. You would give it permission to be there. After permitting the anger, you would then direct your attention to the present-moment experience of anger and how it shows up in your body.
The goal is not to get rid of the anger (or other emotions). The goal is to connect with the anger. When you connect with the anger, it allows your body to self-regulate. In other words, it opens the potential for your body's state to shift, leading to more effective emotional regulation.
I know you're likely assuming it'll get worse if you pay attention to your emotions. That's a common concern. But no, things don't need to get worse.
The essential piece of this is to only begin paying attention to your emotions when you have a sense of grounding in the present moment. You'll know you're grounded when you feel a sense of connection with yourself, perhaps with others, or with your environment. You'll be in tune with your senses. You'll be curious about what's happening internally.
This sense of groundedness stems from your body's state of safety—your body's built-in safety system, which utilizes the ventral vagal pathways in your brainstem. That's what helps you to feel grounded and connected. When your brainstem detects that it's safe, it will shift your body state toward the ventral vagal safety state.
It's totally okay to retain and marinate in this safety state when you access it and aren't ready to challenge it. But when you get there, it's the perfect opportunity to mindfully connect with your other emotions like anger, anxiety, or even depression.
Another key thing is to ensure you are maintaining access to your safety state when you get there, especially if you're going to challenge it by feeling something uncomfortable.
While mindfully connecting with something like anger, you always want to check on your breath. Take an extended exhale here and there. Maybe have a fidget to connect with. And use cues of safety around you, like silence or music, a soft texture, or even a scent you like, like a candle.
As you practice this skill, you'll strengthen your body's safety state. As those ventral vagal pathways strengthen, your other emotions—the uncomfortable ones—will soften and even release.
This is the path to sustainable emotional regulation. It's possible to see benefits from even one of these exercises, but the real benefits come from a proactive practice, just like building any other skill or strength.
Practical Steps to Start Your Emotional Regulation Journey Today
What I've described might feel like a lot, and that's normal and okay. But we need to start somewhere. I find the best place to start is trying to get in touch with your body's safety state. Even small moments can have a big, big impact on your capacity for emotional regulation.
Here are two easy ways to start connecting with your ventral vagal safety state:
Do something you enjoy, like eating a blueberry, smelling a candle, or touching a certain blanket. But—don't just do the thing you like. Notice how it feels.
Notice how it affects your body.
What happens in your breathing?
What happens in your muscles? Are they more tense or more relaxed?
Practice extending your exhale in one mindful and intentional breath. Take in one breath, let it out slowly, focusing on the way your body feels as you exhale.
These two little ideas don't solve every emotional problem you have, but they help you get in touch with your body's potential for safety. And they do start the process of building more safety within your system, which is crucial for effective emotional regulation.
Your Next Steps
Thanks for reading! I hope this blog has helped you think about your emotions differently and given you a couple of ideas on what you can do differently for improved emotional regulation, even starting today.
I have another next step for you, and it's free. It's called Your Next Steps, a free course in the Untucking Academy. It collects my essential podcast episodes that I think you should start with to learn the Polyvagal Theory foundational knowledge.
Learning the Theory helps you lay a strong base to continue building on.
Q&A from this Blog
What is the common misunderstanding about emotional regulation?
The common misunderstanding is that emotions are problems to be eliminated, often incorrectly attributed to a "chemical imbalance" or seen as a direct result of our thoughts. This leads to managing them incorrectly through avoidance and suppression.
Why do typical attempts at emotional regulation often fail?
They fail because they focus on changing thoughts or behaviors, which are like the "smoke," rather than addressing the underlying bodily state, which is the "fire." This approach isn't sustainable because the root cause isn't addressed.
What is the body-based approach to emotional regulation?
This approach understands that emotions are experiences that exist and can be felt in the body. It posits that the state of our body is the primary driver of our emotions. Therefore, to change your emotions, you must first change your body's state.
Takeaway Quotes from this Blog
Trying to change your emotions by changing your thoughts is like trying to change the smoke to stop a fire. Obviously, the smoke is a problem, but it's not the problem.
The goal is not to get rid of the anger (or other emotions). The goal is to connect with the anger. When you connect with the anger, it allows your body to self-regulate.
This sense of groundedness stems from your body's state of safety—your body's built-in safety system, which utilizes the ventral vagal pathways in your brainstem.
Author Bio:
Justin Sunseri is a licensed Therapist and Coach specializing in trauma relief. He hosts the Stuck Not Broken podcast and authored the Stuck Not Broken book series. Justin is passionate about the Polyvagal Theory and proudly serves on the Polyvagal Institute's Editorial Board. He specializes in treating trauma and helps individuals get "unstuck" from their defensive states.
