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It occurs to me that you may not be comfortable with looking inward. With consciously feeling what you may already be feeling. Meaning, you already have whatever feeling it is that might be too much or too uncomfortable or even too minimized or denied. So whatever is inside of you could very well be a stranger if we were to give it a persona (which I don't like doing, but it serves as a metaphor). I think my course could be a great way for you to get more acquainted with your inner feelings and ground yourself more in the present moment. And this blog could be a good compliment to that, providing a new framework to build from. Learn more about my 30 day course through the image below. Read on to learn how to treat yourself more like a potential new friend and less like a dangerous stranger. TREAT YOURSELF LIKE A POTENTIAL NEW FRIEND Let's first define what a "friend" is and how it's unique to other relationships. Yes, there are fairly obvious, but it's worth a very brief differentiation. a stranger is someone you don't know (I told you it's obvious!) a co-worker is simply someone that you work with. This would be a person you say "hi" to and exchange simple pleasantries (aka "mindless chit chat") with as you pass by each other. an acquaintance is someone that you might spend more time with and discuss more superficial things, like a co-worker that you go out to lunch with. Or a peer in class that you hang out with between periods. But a friend is something different than these. a friend is someone that you spend more time with, know better on a more personal level, have more emotional investment in, have more trust and empathy in Think about your relationship of your thinking self to your somatic self. If these were two different beings (they're not, just a metaphor), what type of relationship would you say they have? On the spectrum of stranger to friend, what kind of relationship is there? That might be an indicator of how in tune you are with your more whole self. If there is a stranger type of relationship, then your thinking self and your somatic self are probably not very connected. Your story always follows your state, so the two are factually and biologically still very much connected. But we want your thinking self to be in tune with your somatic self. For them to be close, to have a friendly relationship. When those two are in sync on a conscious level, then that will create a more whole individual or true self. Steps to friendship When you make a new friend, there are steps that you might follow to get to know them better. You first start off as stranger, then meet each other as peers at school or work, then get to know each other better as acquaintances and then reach the level of friendship. The way you interact with a friend is much different than the way you interact with the stranger, co-worker/peer or acquaintance. You're not going to start that new relationship off with disclosing all of your biggest fears, dysfunctional relationship patterns, deepest secrets or painful memories , right? And if you do, I highly recommend you don't. For that new person in your life, it might be too much too soon. And that's true for your thinking and somatic self as well. The thinking self might not be ready for the pain that your body holds. Likewise, your body might not be ready for the vivid memories that your thinking self has. These two things interact all the time anyway, but when you bring it to your consciousness, it could result in too much sympathetic or shutdown activation. Instead, allowing the thinking and somatic selves to get to know each other a little at a time might be a better approach . If they spend no time together right now, then having a little lunch together per day might be appropriate, just like hanging out with a co-worker who is now becoming an acquaintance. And if these two selves of you are complete strangers, then a simple introduction might be in order. Here's how this might look: Focus on the positives Just focus on what is pleasant or a relief . No, I am not referring to drug use or cutting or anything similar. I mean what textures are pleasing? I mean what colors? What sounds and what smells? These simple steps might be a first large step toward getting to know yourself better without it being overwhelming. You would keep things light and positive with a friend too. You'd talk about the tv show you both like. You'd talk about your kids or your pets. It wouldn't be threatening. It might be a little awkward, sure. But it's doable in bits and spurts. Besides the senses that bring you feelings of pleasure, you could also focus on memories that bring you feelings of happiness or contentedness. You could engage in play that brings a smile to your face. No matter the route, you need to actually pay attention to the experience of these things. If you can notice them, then you can begin to savor and extend them. Deb Dana calls these "glimmers" and "glows." What's happening during these is that your ventral vagal safe & social state is activating. This state is responsible for connection, safety, relaxation and happiness. Without this state active, you simply won't be able to access more of yourself as you begin to befriend yourself and your nervous system . So when I recommend that you not focus on the pain yet, I'm not saying to simply ignore it and it will go away. I'm saying that you first need to develop the tolerance by building the strength of your ventral state . This is no different than building a friendship. First, you need to know that the other person is safe before learning more about them. After you've spent some time with that person, become acquaintances, know they're safe and built trust in them, then you can begin to disclose more of yourself to them. And that is what will happen when getting to know yourself and looking more at the memories or emotions of yourself. You won't feel as much fear/apprehension from these things. Just like when your new friend tells you they don't have the same religion or politics as you, they won't necessarily be as threatening. You might be more curious as to how they came to their conclusions instead of being scared away. You might want to learn more and build a different type of connection. Discovery When we live in a defensive state, that really becomes our reality. Not just the external world which is perceived as more dangerous, but also the internal. So from that defensive state, when you look at your somatic self, you're going to see danger . It's going to feel like danger and be overwhelming. But there's a lot more to you . There really is a lot more inside of you that you might not be aware of. When you learn about a new friend, you assume there is a lot to them that you don't know, right? So bring that same understanding to yourself. For better or worse (I assume better), there is a lot more within you. The work of change is not static. It's not exactly either/or. It's a process of blooming and discovering (#bloominganddiscovering ooh I like that). It's about what you have within you; but also what you have yet to experience. When you have more access and more of an anchor in your ventral safe/social pathways, new experiences come along with it. New opportunities and potential. Your window to new experiences opens up. Curiosity > Evaluation Foundational to this venture is going to be utilizing whatever curiosity you have and directing it inward. If you make a potential new friend and learn about them, you will need curiosity. If you think you know everything you need to know about that person, you're not going to truly get to know them better. If you've judged them already and put a cap on their potential in your life, you won't truly get to know them better. Same goes for your thinking and somatic selves. They can't be evaluating each other. They can't be judging each other. They need to be curious about each other. Likely, you've already got some judgments and evaluations. Just like anybody else, including myself. We all do it. So it's not that big of a deal on a larger human scale. It's kinda normal. Not ideal, but normal. But that also means it can be improved, since other people are able to do so as well. And you're a person, so this applies to you. There is some curiosity within you already. If there isn't, then why the f**k are you reading this? So bring that curiosity to the "parts" of you that you don't know. The somatic feelings. Meet it and greet it using these tips I've laid out here. I think eventually you're going to learn you've got a pretty kickass friend within yourself. They're worth loving and worth getting to know better. You are worth loving and getting to know better.

Journaling has become one of my main ways to self-reflect, to grow, to anchor myself in safety, gain new insight and self regulate. If you are taking my Building Safety Anchors course , this would probably fall into the Cognitive Anchors learning and practicing module. It's a lot more than cognitions, but thoughts are a big part of it. If you're new to journaling, stuck on journaling or need a different take, this might be for you. I. Alternate speed Journaling doesn't have to be a slow, tea-sipping, curled up experience. It could be. But it could also be fast and furious. Literally, it's okay to be furious and let your fury out through journaling. It's okay to be fast, to be anxious. Allow your feelings to dictate and come through in your speed. When you're journaling from a shutdown state, it might be slower. Your journaling might not have much energy to it and might be fairly minimal in amount produced. And in all honesty, sitting in silence and breathing, then journaling might be a better idea versus just jumping to journaling. When you're in a sympathetic flight/fight state, then your journaling might be faster. You might feel the impulse to move faster, to write faster, to sketch faster. I find that when the sympathetic energy surges, I tend to start scribbling or rapidly dumping words one after the other in a column that eventually sort of blend together. In this state, the movement is more important to me than what is on the paper. More on this later on. It's important to be mindful of the experience of your journaling. To be mindful of the speed you're working at and the feelings underneath it. Really experience the sensations of your speed and alternate when you feel some polyvagal shifts happening. II. From feelings It's important then to journal from your feelings. Your thoughts, your images, your memories are all going to be instrumental in the journaling process as well. It's really the marriage of all of these things (more below). But your feelings could very well be your starting point . There might be a feeling you're having that you're feeling particularly stuck on. Or is too much at that moment. Sadness is a feeling that might bring you some heaviness or emptiness. Anxiety is one that might keep you too distracted and revved up. Anger is a feeling that could keep you in a mindset of blame and focus on others. Take these feelings and bring them to your journaling. This means you give yourself permission to have those feelings in the first place. You give yourself permission to experience them and to externalize them into the journal as well. Give yourself permission for them to be felt and to be real. III. The marriage of experiences Allow yourself to alternate and fluctuate amongst and between the "marriage of experiences" : thoughts feelings memories somatic sensations spiritual/religious When you utilize all of these, you're really tapping into the more complete you. Cognitions are one aspect of you. But cognitions come from a polyvagal state. And so do your feelings and your somatic sensations and maybe even your spiritual experiences in that moment. All of these pieces are a reflection of whatever polyvagal state that you're in . As you feel into and experience these pieces, you're bringing mindfulness to your polyvagal state. And this mindfulness will allow your autonomic nervous system to climb the polyvagal ladder, back into a state of safety and social connection. Or closer to it, at least. IV. Process vs Outcome The importance is in the process . Not in the outcome of what's on the paper. Journaling is similar but ultimately different than creating a piece of art or a short story. They're all creative expressions and the process of creation is important in all of these. But with journaling, there isn't an end goal in mind for a finished piece that will be submitted to others to view or judge . It's just for you. No one else needs to see it. If you're thinking in terms of a finished product or a result, then the viewer that is going to be judging the finished product is you . Journaling is about noticing and allowing. Not judging and evaluating. So view your journaling as an unfolding process that you get to witness, not a product that you get to view and judge . If you do, what you're inherently doing is judging yourself, your feelings and all of the other pieces of the marriage of experiences. What you're pouring into the journal is hopefully an honest reflection of you . That honesty requires interest, curiosity and love. Focus on the process of the shifts that are happening within you. Focus on the process of the speed that you are working at and how that feels. Focus on the feelings and images and memories and thoughts that arise within you as you peel back layers and come more to the present moment through journaling. My course can teach you other ways to come to the present moment as well. I call it being "anchored" in the present moment. It's really being anchored in ventral vagal activation, the biological pathways responsible for safety and social engagement. There are other potential anchors that you could use to be more present and I teach you about them in the course, then guide you in practicing them as well. Learn more about Building Safety Anchors by following the image below. (More blog after the image) V. Don't use a journal Who said journaling needs to be done in a journal? Yes, journals can be really fun to use. I love looking at journals and sketchbooks when I'm at an art store. I love holding them and flipping through the pages, especially sketchbooks. They're cool and they bring a certain calm, right? But journaling doesn't need to be limited to a thing that was created for journaling. It could be done on a plain piece of paper that you throw away when you're done. It could by typed into a Google Doc. I like to use One Note on my Surface Pro 7 (I got the i7 model ) . It gives me some room to play with colors and line weights. It's fun to use with the Surface Pen. It just feels right for me. At least for now. But let's go a step further. Why does it have to be written? Why not speak your thoughts into a voice recorder? Or use some sort of microphone dictation on a word document? That way you could harness your energy through speaking. Maybe at this point it's not "journaling" anymore, but I think it counts still. Point being here is that journaling doesn't have to look a certain way or be in a certain thing. You do what feels like the next right thing for you and your needs. I hope you benefited from this blog and got a new angle on your own journaling practice. Let me know what you do that helps you!

If you're a creative person, you have a perfect opportunity to feel into your stuck defensive energy and to begin to release some of it, climbing your polyvagal ladder and into your state of safety and social connection. I talk about this some in the podcast episode above, but as a piece of a larger discussion. I'll focus more on creativity and getting unstuck here. What is creativity? I'm defining it as this - using your individual inner inspiration, motivation or imagination as fuel to bring something into existence. This can look a lot of different ways, here is a short list: drawing/sketching/inking coloring painting dancing singing/rapping/beatboxing podcasting writing/poetry/spoken word I kinda want to differentiate these various creative outlets into movement based or visual or audio and whatnot. But I think that focuses too much on the end result. When it comes to using creativity as a means to unsticking, the point is not the end result . It's the experience. It's the process. If you're taking my Building Safety Anchors course, creativity might fall into the cognitive, body or maybe even the sensory anchors (heck maybe even the environmental too). Really depends on what your creative outlet is. If you're not taking the course, it's for anyone that needs to be more grounded in their bodies and in the present moment. It's 30 days of learning and doing. This blog would fall neatly into the spirit of Building Safety Anchors. I've got six learning modules that are not available anywhere else, in both printable PDF (with a few worksheets) and downloadable audio. Experience vs Result When we create, it comes from some sort of energy. It could be a lot of energy, like a sympathetic flight/fight energy. It could also be a very small amount of energy, like from a shutdown depletion. It could also be a joyful, happy energy, coming from the safety state. Unfortunately, creators focus far far too much on the end result (and the anticipated reactions to it). Of course, if you're working professionally, the end result is pretty damn important. So maybe this is in reference to when we're creating just for the sake of creating. And if you're not doing so, then maybe this is a reminder to make the time to simply create. When we focus on the end result, we lose the experience. We don't mindfully attune to the experience of creating. We're up in our heads, thinking about the result or the reactions or we're telling ourselves it's not good enough. All of this analysis comes from a sympathetic energy. Maybe some flight; maybe some fight. If you're attacking yourself and your skill level, it might be fight. If you're anxious about being judged, it might be flight; though shutdown could be a possibility. You'll have to notice the energy that's underneath those thoughts. If you're more anxious while creating, that's probably sympathetic. But if your projections about the end result stop you from creating altogether, that could be the shutdown system keeping you immobilized. Regardless, the experience is what matters. Feel into that energy level and then bring forth something into existence. Whatever it is and whatever energy is driving it. That means you have to actually notice the feelings and the sensations in your body. What may happen is that the end result is something completely unplanned, completely spontaneous. It could very well be a true reflection of your polyvagal state. And maybe something that looks very different than your typical creation. Feel and then climb If you're feeling sad or angry or anxious or even happy, just let yourself feel it . Give yourself permission to simply feel the way you do, but consciously. Don't block it out. Don't minimize. Start with where you're at. But take it a step further if you can. Realize that the feeling you have is not simply there on its own. It's connected to a polyvagal state. Here's a rundown of some typical states and their feelings: Ventral safety - happy, joyful, awe, vulnerable, safe, trusting, connected Sympathetic flight - anxious, nervous, worry Sympathetic fight - angry, aggressive, dominant Dorsal shutdown - sad, lonely, empty, numb Step one is to recognize the feeling on an emotional level. Step two is to actually feel the feeling on a more somatic level . Notice where these feelings live in your body. Become curious about what those feelings look like, what color they have, what texture they have, what shape they have. Notice if any images pop into your mind as you feel these sensations. All of this can be channeled into your creation. You can create from that feeling and then put it into the world in whatever for feels right for you. It's possible to climb the polyvagal ladder simply through creation. You can actually start at the bottom of the ladder and work your way all the way to the top. But you have to feel that shutdown stuff. The emptiness and the disconnection. Creating from that could be a slow movement. A small voice. Small steps. As you feel that smallness and slowness, you may notice some energy come into your body as some sympathetic energy returns. At that point, you want to feel that sympathetic energy (fight and then flight as you go up) and create from there. Your movements or your voice may become louder and more purposeful. Don't be afraid of the power. Allow it and channel it into your creation. You may actually notice a shift from your fight energy into your flight energy. Fight might feel more purposeful and dominant. Flight will feel more anxious or evasive or jittery. It's not hard and fast, but you may experience something similar. After you successfully channel that sympathetic flight/fight energy into the world, then you will feel your ventral safety pathways activating. You might notice that you become more playful and imaginative, willing to experiment and feel silly. Your breathing will become easier and you might smile. You'll look at your creation with curiosity and not evaluation. We're all creative The punchline here is that we're all creative people . I truly believe this. It might not look the same as someone else in your life, but I bet you have some sort of creativity within you. I've listed some back toward the beginning of this, but you might have something else that is a creative outlet for you (knitting, collage, calligraphy...). Maybe you don't think of yourself as a creative person. That's not necessarily true. Maybe you simply haven't found your creative expression(s) yet. You won't know until you try, right? I highly recommend that you begin to wonder what might be a good fit for you. Don't compare yourself to others. Easier said that done, I know. Just be interested in what might work for you and you alone. And then allow whatever is inside of you to be created into the world . No one has to see it or hear it or read it. Thanks so much for reading. I'd love to know what creative outlets you have in the comments below.

This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. Basically, our autonomic state is going to be either Safe & Social, Flight/Fight or Shutdown. Our state is going to be a reaction to the outside world, the internal world, and our perceptions of either or both. It is of course more complicated than that. These primary states can actually mix and there appear to be degrees of severity for each. In essence, our state is not just how we behave, but also the filter that we experience the world through. Living in the social engagement autonomic state is more calm, soothing, connected, hopeful and loving. In the flight/fight state, life is more anxious, aggressive and dangerous. And in the shutdown autonomic state, life is very empty, numb and disconnected. What can trigger shifts in autonomic states is often unpredictable with someone that has been traumatized: the wrong look, the wrong sound, the wrong smell even. Any of these and more can trigger a state shift. Those clients or students that have a meltdown or a crisis out of nowhere? It’s not necessarily out of nowhere. These meltdowns can typically be traced back to a moment of detecting danger and losing access to their social engagement system. Autonomic shifts have consequences for daily life . Although they have evolved within us to support survival, they kick on and off throughout the normal day: at work, school, home and in relationships. Events that the body detects as dangerous shift the body into a mobilized flight/fight energy even if the event is not actually dangerous. Such as a child saying “no” to a parent. There is no danger in this situation, yet the parent may shift into an aggressive fight energy, which results in the feelings of frustration and yelling to get compliance. Being in a defensive autonomic state for a prolonged period of time misdirects resources that the body would otherwise use for health, growth and restoration. This is why we see trauma survivors having higher rates of other problems, such as autoimmune disorders, severe obesity, stroke, cancer and more. For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share . There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast , episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course below

This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. “Neuroception” is the word that Dr Stephen Porges created for the concept of unconsciously detecting cues of safety or danger from the internal world or the external world and then shifting into defensive or safety autonomic states . It’s one of the main pillars of his Polyvagal Theory. The body is constantly scanning the environment for these danger or safety cues. And it does so through the senses. Information from the senses goes to very primitive parts of the brain outside of our conscious awareness. Meaning, neuroception has nothing to do with choice . It has everything to do with predetermined neurobiological responses to safety or danger. When we neurocept safety, we then engage in prosocial behaviors. And when we neurocept danger, we engage in defensive behaviors like running or fighting. And when we neurocept that our life is in threat, we engage in shutdown behaviors. Neuroception ties directly back into the autonomic nervous system and autonomic state. These neuroceptions of safety, danger or life threat “hijack” the autonomic nervous system , shifting our autonomic state. If the autonomic state is shifted, how we filter and react to the world shifts along with it. For example, if we neurocept that we are in danger, our body becomes more mobilized for running away: heart rate goes up, hearing is more attuned to danger sounds and breathing becomes more shallow. In this autonomic state, social engagement becomes much more of a challenge. Although unconscious, we can mindfully attune to the experiences of the state shifts that come from neuroceptions. For example, if you’ve ever been around someone that makes your stomach turn, you might be neurocepting a life threat. Not that your life is actually in threat, but that system turns on around that specific person. Neuroceptive shifts are noticeable as they are happening or even after the event when thinking back. For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share . There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast , episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course

This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. The safety and social engagement system is the ventral vagal parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. The safe & social state evolved within mammals and is important for optimizing the resources that the body has for health, growth and restoration . Examples include: homeostasis of bodily functions, hormone release, immune system and digestive system functioning. When the ventral vagal pathways are activated, our heart rate slows, we take fuller breaths into the belly, and we also have the ability to use our face and neck muscles. When in the safe & social state, we instantaneously socially engage with others: closer proximity eye contact wider range of facial expression wider range of physical gestures and posture hear human voice more accurately, while tuning out other noises vocal prosody: stress, pitch, intonation, pauses, volume and pacing The world is: safe, fun, peaceful, interesting, manageable Thoughts become : understanding, empathetic, balanced, hopeful, curious Feelings of : calm, happiness, connection, joy, motivation, excitement, relaxation, hope, awe Able to : focus, plan, weigh options when making a decision, self-regulate and provide co-regulation, use play, be self-reflective For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share . There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast , episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course

This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. The flight and fight system is the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. The flight and fight system is important for optimizing the body for evasion or aggression . It repurposes resources because some functions are not necessary during moments of danger. For example, chewing is not necessary when in danger, so saliva is not produced and the mouth goes dry. The body needs to stay at a higher level of energy, so breathing becomes shallow and heart rate increases. These changes are intended to be temporary ; for small bursts when in times of danger. When in the flight/fight state, we lose our social engagement with others: increase in distance when in flight invasion of space when in fight removal of eye contact or aggressive eye contact flat facial affect with wider eyes muscles tense in preparation for survival ears attune to sounds of danger and not vocal prosody voice becomes more monotone and rushed The world is : dangerous, threatening, out of control Thoughts become : concrete, evaluative, focused on the past or the future Feelings of : danger, tenseness, anxiety, anger Able to : mobilize, escape, avoid, use aggression Unable to : self-regulate, provide co-regulation opportunities, think critically, weigh options, be empathetic For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share . There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast , episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course below

..This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. The Autonomic Nervous System controls everything. It regulates all the internal organs without any conscious direction or effort . It’s autonomic. Breathing, heart rate, sweating, internal temperature regulation, digestion and more. It’s historically been known as two antagonistic systems: sympathetic and parasympathetic. As if these two were competing against each other for dominance. But Dr Stephen Porges explains that it’s more complex than that in his Polyvagal Theory. It turns out there is actually the sympathetic system and two parasympathetic systems that work in concert to benefit the mammalian organism. The sympathetic system is the flight/fight mobilization circuitry. This is located in the chest and controls the legs for evasion and the arms for aggression. The mobilization system is ideal for pushing away a danger and then getting to safety. The first parasympathetic system is the immobility system, located in the gut. This circuitry is responsible for the shutdown, collapsed behaviors that we see in a mammal when its life is threatened. And the second and newer parasympathetic system is the social engagement system, located in the face and neck and connected to the heart. This system is active when safe and allows for social connection with other safe mammals. When autonomic shifts happen, the internal organs and bodily resources are repurposed and used for defensive or connective purposes. For example, when in danger and more sympathetically charged, the mouth may go dry. This is because the body no longer needs saliva for chewing when it’s mobilized for running or fighting. The body prioritizes its processes based on what it neurocepts as safe, dangerous or life threatening. When under life threat, all systems are reduced to support basic life maintenance, such as heart rate and breathing. The entire body slows down, imitating a corpse. For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share . There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast , episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course below

..This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. The Polyvagal Theory is the science that underlies mammalian connection and defense responses... including human beings. Dr Stephen Porges first published the theory in 1994. The Polyvagal Theory is the first to illustrate the three distinct neural pathways , which evolved over time into a hierarchical structure. These three neural platforms control our abilities to socially engage with each other, mobilize or immobilize. The vagus nerve is the highway these three neural platforms utilize. Each one is part of the autonomic nervous system . Social engagement and immobility are parasympathetic; while the mobility platform is sympathetic. These are each autonomic, meaning outside of our conscious awareness. For the most part, we don’t direct the ANS. Things like breathing, heart rate, digestion and sweating. We don’t choose these things, they just happen based on what autonomic platform is active. Ventral vagus = safety system Sympathetic = mobilization Dorsal vagal = immobilization When we are safe , our parasympathetic social engagement neural circuitry is activated. We have use of our face and neck muscles. When we are in danger , the flight/fight sympathetic circuitry is activated. This allows us to run with our legs for evasion or use our arms for being aggressive. And when we are undergoing a life threat , our immobility circuitry is activated. This results in a shutdown, collapsed behavior. It’s also possible to mix these primary neural platforms . Activating the safety/social engagement system along with the mobility system results in play . Activating the safety/social engagement system along with the immobility system results in stillness . And activating the mobility system along with the immobility system results in freeze . For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share . There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast , episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course

Last week's blog was on Validation . This time, we're going to look at Normalization. Let's refer back to the Instagram post differentiating betwixt the two - Validation is affirming the existence of a feeling and the inherent worth of it. But Normalization is making sense of a feeling based on its context . The historical context could be something as far back as childhood or as recent as the present moment. We often have great difficulty with our present-day feelings, thoughts and somatic experiences. We tend to judge ourselves, shame ourselves and basically perpetuate the state that underlies these. We think that our feelings are some sort of defect, we're cut off from the somatic and we experience our thoughts as an invasion. It all gets very out of control. Having some normalization can help. It's a way to make sense of how we feel now in relation to the past or the precipitating event(s). It helps to make the experience less chaotic and can bring a sense of "oh, that makes sense now." Normalization doesn't really fix the issue. But it does help to make sense of it. Often times, this might be enough to self-regulate or make a different choice. Normalization can be instrumental in the process of ladder climbing . It can help someone to come out of their shutdown and into some righteous anger. It can help someone to come from a sympathetic flight/fight state into a calmer and connected state. I find myself being extremely unsurprised by what my clients report about their current problems and the context of where these problems came from. I sort of expect my clients - any of us, really - to live in defensive states after living through something that would get them stuck there. Or not having certain needs met and not experiencing healthy co-regulation. The presenting problems they come to therapy with are normal reactions to abnormal situations. They make sense . I'd be more surprised if someone didn't have some sort of presenting problem when considering the larger context of their lives. Practice Let's do some practice with normalizing. Read what Person 1 is saying below and do the best you can to make sense of what they're saying within the context of their life. Person 1: "I just feel completely disconnected and alone. My parents didn't pay much attention to me and I was left to sort of just take care of myself. Never really felt much love from them." Pretty simple, right? What about this can be normalized? I would hone in on the feeling of being disconnected and alone. And it makes sense why they would feel this way - they never had a terribly strong, loving connection with their parents. And having that is pretty essential to being able to feel connection later on in life. The feelings of disconnected and alone make sense within this small context of their life. Let's do the exercise again - Person 2: "I'm pissed! My f***ing boss is changing my schedule duties and leaving me with the worst people on my shift!" What can be normalized here? It makes sense to me that someone could be angry by a sudden change in their work schedule that is less than ideal. So as a listener, I can make a normalizing statement along those lines, like "Yeah, I can see why you'd feel that way. I'd be pissed off too if my boss did that to me!" It tells Person 2 they're not only being listened to, but their feelings are okay and make sense and are relatable. Would you potentially feel the same way with similar contexts? That might be helpful for you as a listener. To ask yourself - If I were in a similar situation, would I feel something similar? Or at least, does it make sense the other person feels that way? This is potentially problem territory, since we so easily tell others that they are overreacting and minimize their feelings or the problem. But someone who is in their safe/social state will be able to answer that question and offer some normalization. For the self Now let's turn the lens toward yourself. It's not easy to normalize our own stuff. You might look back at your childhood and idealize it, even if it wasn't ideal. You might minimize and invalidate your feelings and the context of those feelings. So maybe it's most helpful to start with a simple agreement. And here it is - your feelings are probably not random . Can we agree on that? You might not be able to make sense of your inner world and give yourself the normalization that you need. But maybe you can at least normalize the fact that your feelings are probably not random. Feelings are there for a reason. They serve a purpose. I've never met with someone in therapy or otherwise that I thought had truly random feelings. The feelings are consistently tied to a polyvagal state on the ladder. And that polyvagal state is consistently tied to some sort of context. Even if you don't know the context, can you normalize that your feelings, your thoughts, your somatics are there for a reason? I hope that's helpful. If you thought this was, you might be interested in my Patreon . It's an entirely separate podcast for members that are paying $5/mo. Every week, I release at least one mini episode of around 10 minutes. Usually I release more than one short episode as well as my Open Letters and Instagram audio. Trust me - it's a lot!

Validation is distinct from Normalization. They are both integral to the process of therapy, something that can be done for others outside of therapy and also something that can be done for the self. In this blog, I will focus on validation - what it is and how to do it. I find that my therapy clients commonly have a very difficult time with validation. Heck, we all do. Myself included. Validation isn't exactly easy or natural, maybe especially considering one's upbringing. You may not have grown up in a family/environment/culture where validation was even a thing. I think many of us didn't. Validation is I posted this to Instagram, comparing the words "validate" and "normalize" - I think that's what it boils down to. A recognition of the feelings of someone else. A recognition of their existence as is. Not an evaluation of the feelings, not an assessment of those feelings or a judgment. Simply recognizing the factual existence of those feelings. But also recognizing the worth of those feelings. Not like a dollar amount. Not really a judgment on how much or how little those feelings are worth. That's not what I mean. By worth, I am referring to the inherent worth. As in, those feelings come from another human being. And by simply existing, you have value as do your feelings. The feelings that we have are significant just by their existence . Now, I'm not saying that all people at all times are going to recognize either of these things. Nor will the people who maybe should. Nor will they do so in the best way possible for you in particular. And I'm not even suggesting that because of Feeling X, that someone else should act in this way or that. I'm simply saying that validation is the affirmation and recognition of someone else's feelings. This isn't a prescription for how someone else should or should not behave based on someone else's feelings. Practice Let's do a little exercise on validation. Read what Person 1 is saying below and do the best you can to affirm and recognize their feeling(s). Person 1: "I'm so sick of doing virtual classrooms! I miss seeing my friends and I feel so lonely." This should be fairly obvious. What feelings are existing here that you can recognize? Being "sick" of something. But drilling down a bit more, it might be frustrated, bored or maybe dreading. There is also the feeling of missing, or wanting connection. And also loneliness. Again, wanting connection. So when you validate this person, you could simply use their words or even give them new ones that might fit. (They'll let you know if you get it wrong.) Let's do the exercise again, but make it less obvious. Person 2: "I had a really hard day at work today. My boss is changing my program duties and putting me into a program where they're incompetent." What could be validated with Person 2? Sounds - at the very least - like a "hard day." But there could also be some stress about the unknown. Some dread. Maybe they feel unwanted or discarded. Could be a lot of things, but at the very least, recognizing the difficulty of what they are feeling from their "hard day." And if you're unable to even provide this level of validation, worry not. Simply being interested in the other person and being an active listener is a validating act in and of itself. You could ask questions about their feelings or try to paraphrase what they are saying. If Person 1 or 2 received that from you, they would feel important to you. As they continue to talk about their feelings, they might feel validated. Your active interest in them as a valuable human being and your active interest in their feelings will be validating. It shows the other person they are important. And we all need that. For the self This doesn't all just apply to Person 1, Person 2, some other person or a client in therapy. No, this applies to you as well! Like I said at the beginning of this blog, we all have some difficulty with validation, but maybe no more so than when attempting to apply it to the self. First, we kinda suck at slowing down and noticing that we even have feelings at all . We live fast-paced lives, chock full of constant streams of immediate gratification. We're incessantly distracted by our own avenues of entertainment that we don't look inward. We focus on the problems of the external world and ignore the problems of the internal. We direct our energies to this cause and that cause; or in response to someone else's cause in defensiveness. But we don't really just pause and recognize the feelings that we have inside of us. No, instead we maybe identify that we're angry, but then use that energy to create a narrative of blame. We maybe identify that we feel sad or alone, but then create a narrative of how worthless we are. I don't think this is purposeful or conscious. " Story follows state ," you know. But that's kinda the problem. It's reactionary and is very disembodied and not conscious. Instead, to validate the self, we would simply notice the feelings we have inside and be with them for a bit . Not judgmental evaluation or judgmental labeling. Just noticing what is there and allowing it to be. Just like if a loved one were to be with us and notice our stress. The noticing, naming and being with it are validating. The feeling is there . It does exist . This applies not just to the emotional feelings that we have, though that is often the start of it. But also to the polyvagal, somatic feelings. We can acknowledge the existence within ourselves of these internal discomforts, like a tensing of the jaw. We can identify it on the polyvagal ladder as sympathetic energy (probably fight) and give it a name like "stress." This is different than a judgmental label, like "bad" or "'weak." Be curious Doing these little steps can help to provide some validation to the self. Simply bringing some of this to the self can help the feelings to alleviate or the stuck energy to continue to course through the system . No, it's not this easy. It never is. But these are pieces of the puzzle. I don't think anyone is going to be able to do something like meditation work without these pieces; of being with the feelings and noticing and recognizing. To do so requires some curiosity. And being curious requires some level of autonomic safety ; some ventral activation. This is typically where I see people lacking and needing more support before they can delve more into their defensive feelings. I can teach you how to be with your safety feelings in the Building Safety Anchors course . And through that course, you can identify what brings you ventral vagal feelings of safety. As you continue to develop the ventral pathways and the capacity to remain activated, the stuck energy will become more tolerable and the potential to validate your feelings will increase. But the ventral activation - or enough of it - is key. BSA goes into six different potential paths to feel safety and be more grounded in the present moment. If you're ready to invest in your own change and can commit to thirty days of learning and doing in small doses, you might benefit from Building Safety Anchors. Thanks so much for reading this week's blog. I hope it was helpful in understanding and applying the concept of validation in your life and yourself personally.

This originally appeared on January 1 (2021) in my free quarterly e-book for Patrons and email subscribers. It's called "Stuck Not Broken: Quarterly." Subscribe at the bottom of the page or become a Patron for $5 a month. On Christmas Eve I published a short episode for my Patrons in an attempt to bring them a more well-rounded holiday message that was actually pertinent to them. In particular, to those that are not going to have the perfect holiday experience. What that is is obviously up for debate, but I’m referring to these pieces that might be a part of it: Family Friends Decorations Gift giving Joy and other highly ventral feelings Obviously the holiday season is over, so this is less of a message of preparation as it is of a sort of post-mortem processing first. And then maybe some preparation and reframing for the coming holidays. But I hope you’ll indulge me in sharing a bit about my holiday experience(s). We’re sickening My wife and I and our two kiddos are almost nauseatingly festive. Yes, we’re one of those families that celebrates Christmas with lots of commercialism and materialism. Lots and lots of lights and ornaments. We’ve got a stocking up for each of us above the fireplace on our mantle. (Mine says “Justin” and is a hand-knit stocking that I got when I was born, an Aunt made it for me.) We’ve got multiple Christmas jammies and even a set that matches. We have completely bought into the Hallmark and Coke bottle version of Christmas. No caroling, but nauseating enough. It’s truly sickening, I admit it. Please don’t despise me! But it’s also a season for us to do some different family things together, like driving around and looking at lights. We make cookies as a family with frosting and sprinkles. My wife and I wrap gifts on Christmas Eve, I write a note from Santa and take a bite of the cookies the kids leave out for Santa. We also watch “Elf” repeatedly and whatever other Christmas movies we can (“Jingle Jangle” on Netflix is pretty cool, though too much singing for us. “Klaus” on Netflix is incredible and has been on two years in a row now. “Wolfwalkers” on Apple+ isn’t a Christmas movie, but it’s amazing). I guess I tell you all of this to just share a bit of what we do and where I’m coming from. It really is shockingly wholesome. The teen Justin is in shock at least. But it wasn’t always this way. We had plenty of holidays together where things were definitely not so perfect looking. We’ve had our share of disagreements over visiting relatives and spending money. My wife and I are both nearly 40 and have been hammering away at our careers for a couple of decades now. We’ve worked and worked and gotten to where we are. We’ve recently been able to create the holiday experience that we want to have within our own little family. There was one Christmas where we wanted to upgrade. We had gotten a cheap fake tree the year before which was a little bigger than the hand-me-down we already had. We went onto Craigslist and searched for people giving away ornaments. We found someone who was unloading his ornaments for maybe $50. It was a lot and we thought we were getting a steal. Our tree was going to look a bit classier than it had, since all we had were a random assortment of ornaments that had been given to us. The guy we bought them from lived in a nice neighborhood and I remember my wife and I saying that someday we would live in a neighborhood like that. In a large house for our family (our daughter was maybe 4 at the time). We lived in an apartment in the Bay Area. We used to move at least once a year for various reasons. I’m not exaggerating; we would move at least once a year for maybe 10 years. Seeing his home and buying the “fancy ornaments” meant something to us and was a glimmer of a life we were striving for that always seemed far away. But I remember this craigslist guy was eager to sell and seemed like he just wanted to dump everything he had in his garage, including the ornaments. Like, I just sort of felt this urgency to it. Or an uncaring. Or a disdain even. I don’t know, but it was something. We got out that cheap smallish tree, strung up the lights (always do that before the ornaments!) and began to go through and put up the ornaments we had just bought. There were really cool glass ones and shiny ones. We were seriously in marvel that our tree was going to look decidedly more fancy. We felt more adult. More accomplished or independent. I noticed on one ornament in particular that it seemed hand made. I checked the back of it and saw a child’s name. I sort of froze and showed it to my wife. We looked through a few more and saw that there were more. Like they would say “Kyle’s first Christmas” or “from: Jack to: mom.” They belonged to a family. They were a part of a family’s holiday. And now they were hurriedly sold to strangers through craigslist. We assumed the parents got a divorce and the man was simply selling everything off. We have no idea the reality of the situation, but that’s what we came up with. It could be any number of things. We thought of the man that sold them to us. It must have been a lonely holiday for him. And for the wife we’re assuming he was no longer with. And for the kids too. Who knows? Maybe it was a good thing and the kids had their first safe Christmas with relatives. It’s irrelevant to my point here. And to the reframe we gave ourselves. Our reframe Having the “fancy” Christmas meant something to us back then. And it still does. We wanted the Christmas that we currently have. We achieved that goal. But having each other is a helluva lot more important. Having both of our kids, being a close family, actually enjoying spending time together. I think in that moment my wife and I both appreciated what we had and we now appreciate what we currently have. But we also know that it could easily be lost. Fast. Any number of things could go wrong and the nauseating holidays we’ve cultivated would be wiped out. So that’s my reframe for my own holidays. We love it. It’s great. We can now afford the Christmas we always wanted. But it could easily be gone. My reframe is one of deeper appreciation for who I have in my life. For my amazing wife and incredible kids. And simply knowing that what we have is potentially very temporary. Your reframe Believe me, I know that not everyone is going to have a holiday season like I do. The “perfect” kind of holiday. I know full well. I work with kids and families who are simply not going to have those holidays. I’ve been doing so for over a decade. The kids and teens I work with are not going to get much of anything, if at all. It’s simply not a special time for them. Poverty, abuse, violent neighborhoods and a life on welfare are many of their norms. It’s actually the opposite of special. There’s some shame for them during the holidays. The shame of having less than or not at all. There’s embarrassment. There’s jealousy and resentment. A lot of the feelings that I had growing up around people that had a lot more than we did. I work with adults that didn’t have special holidays and dread this time of year. It’s simply not a special time for them. It’s lonely. It’s imperfect. It’s a reminder of what they do not have or have not achieved. And maybe you can relate to that. That’s where your own personal reframe is going to be important. Think back to the holidays that just passed. Whatever holiday(s) you do or do not celebrate. Take a minute and reflect on what they were like for you. Here are some potential journal/thought prompts: What feelings did you have? What did those days mean to you? Now let’s try this from a different angle: How did you want things to be? What do you wish were different? What feelings would you like to have? Validate and normalize first I think it’s important to differentiate between what it was and what you would like it to be. First, I don’t think it’s helpful to gloss over or ignore what you are actually feeling. Maybe as a temporary relief that’s helpful. And that might have helped you to get through the holidays. But now that they’re over, you might be able to reflect on what you were actually feeling. And to give those feelings some validation and normalization. Whatever feelings you had are probably understandable based on what life you live and lived. Like, if I or anyone else had your life, we would probably feel the same way. If your life circumstance were re-lived by someone else, they’d probably end up in a similar circumstance today. I guess what I’m saying here is that whatever you’re feeling is probably a normal and expected outcome of how you were raised and other life circumstances. I’m not saying you should stay in these circumstances and these feelings. And this isn’t an issue of blame. It’s simply a possible avenue of normalization and validation. If I were to tell you that I lived a life of parental rejection or humiliation around the holidays and then felt those feelings around this most recent holiday, you would probably validate my feelings, right? You’re not exactly okay with the feelings. You’re not happy with them. You’re not trying to take them from me and make me feel better. You’re just saying, “Yeah, that makes sense. I can see why you would feel this way.” You might say, “Geez, of course you feel this way!” And that’s what I want you to do for yourself. Validate and normalize. Recognize what you want second Now return to the second set of questions that I gave you. This is a representation of what you want. This probably does not match up with the first set of questions. So rather than being stuck in the energy of the first set and wishing for the second set, let’s differentiate. Again, normalize and validate the first step. It is what it is. Take a deep breath. Recognize what you want. Allow yourself to imagine and feel what you want as something separate and distinct from the first set of feelings. Over time, the present day feelings might alleviate and give way to the future ones that you want. There will be more of a transition, one leading to the next. But for now, let’s separate them and see if we can hold two things as true at once. Because the feelings from the first set are true. And the wants from the second set are true as well. Both of these things are true at the same time. The second set represents a possible version of what life could be like for you maybe next holiday season. It can happen. Or at least some steps can be made in that direction. But it’s not happening now. Not yet. The ability to hold these both true at the same time and sit with them might help to decrease the intensity of the first set. It’s okay to pendulate back and forth between these two sets of feelings and let them intermingle as well. Journaling or meditation can be helpful in this. Reframe third So this holiday is over and the next one is not here yet. You probably have some feelings left from this holiday but maybe not as intensely. You have some image in your mind of what you would like things to be like for the future, but it’s not fully developed. You’re in some sort of gray area. This is a really good opportunity to create a reframe, which could potentially act as a bridge from the past to the future. And maybe it doesn’t lead directly to the future image. It doesn’t need to. What it needs to do is to alleviate some of the suffering that you felt this year and not carry it to the next. It’s taking the reality of your situation and building from there, toward what you would like. When you can hold both of these at the same time (or fluctuate between them), the intensity of the split might simmer and then a clearer mind will begin to think in the middle. This is where a reframe can begin to happen. This is an opportunity to define what the holidays mean to you moving forward. Holiday expectations It seems to me that part of the suffering you might feel is due to a disparity in what is expected of the holidays and what the reality of them are. Like the kids that I work with. Their day to day functioning is already pretty crummy. So they already have suffering. But when you pile on the expectations of the holiday season, it sort of compounds the suffering. If this is supposed to be a time of family togetherness, then the fact that they are already not in a healthy family dynamic is made worse. The problem is already there, but now they’re surrounded by unrealistic expectations on a larger level. Consider these journal or thought prompts for yourself: What expectations do you have imposed upon you from others? Who is imposing these expectations? What societal expectations are imposed? What cultural expectations are imposed? What familial or spousal expectations are imposed? And another set for further journaling or reflecting: What expectations do you buy into willingly? What expectations do you buy into out of pressure? What expectations do you and your spouse agree on? What expectations do you and your spouse disagree on? I hope that you can see that there are of course expectations of all kinds imposed onto us around the holidays. Some of these you might more or less buy into voluntarily. My wife and I know that the holidays aren’t really about the commercial aspects of them, but it’s something that we choose to be a part of. Our in-laws might have their own expectations of what’s going to happen during the holidays, but we may or may not choose to go along with that. You may have more choice than you realize. If you can step back for a moment, notice the expectations put on you and then notice the feeling associated with it, that might be enough to begin to choose differently. Especially if you can first be more grounded in your own values. For our family, we come first. That’s our value. We prioritize our marriage and our children above all else. From that value, we then decide on what to do with holidays, who we see and where we go. All of this could act as a reframe for you. That you and your immediate spouse or immediate family are the priority. That this is first and foremost a season for those closest to you. All the other people in your life are allowed to have their wants and their expectations. You’re not taking that away from them. But you’re also allowed to have your own wants and expectations. And if someone expects something out of you, they don’t necessarily get it. They just don’t. That’s a choice that you make. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. And yes, the other person or people won’t like it. But that might be necessary for you to prioritize yourself and make the change that you want for yourself and those you’re going to prioritize. They’re allowed to be upset. Reframe. Or not. You get to frame and define what the holidays mean to you. If you want to. You don’t have to do anything differently. You don’t have to reframe anything and just keep going with the way things are. That is completely within the options here. And what they end up meaning to you can look way way different than what is expected of you. Maybe it’s just another day and you pay as little attention to it as you can. Everyone else is wasting their money and stressing over another sunrise and sunset. You don’t have to do that. Maybe it’s a day for you to disconnect entirely and dedicate to reading and writing and creating. Maybe the family you spend the day with is actually friends. Your family you grew up with doesn’t necessarily feel like family. These are individuals that you might not want in your life at all. So the people you spend the holiday with might be those that have earned some trust from you. Whoever they are. The gift-giving of the holiday season might be something that you re-interpret. Instead of materialistic gifts, you might make this an occasion to give your special people a specific heart-felt compliment. Or write them a short story just for them. Or just give thanks. Your giving doesn’t need to match anyone else’s giving. It doesn’t have to look or feel the same at all. But if you just stick to the pressure and stress of the expectation, you won’t get to discover your interpretation of the expectation. Instead of giving gifts, you might give experiences. This is something I have seen other parents do and something we did a bit of in our house. Instead of a bunch of toys, we got a few toys and a family trip the past couple of years (not in 2020 though, sadly). You get to reframe Just some of my own thoughts for you. I don’t know of a correct reframe for you and your specific life. That’s up for you to discover. Now that the holidays are over, it’s a good opportunity to reflect back, reframe and move forward. You don’t need anyone else’s permission for this. It’s just for you and maybe your spouse or some select people. Besides all of this, I do hope you enjoyed your holiday season. I hope you got what you wanted in every way possible. I hope the season was special for you in the way that you needed it to be.